Nervous About Therapy & First Panic Attack Experience.

Yeah I guess it's officially out there now. I'm...going to therapy soon insha Allah.



LOL. Not cuz I'm nuts. Cuz I'm not.



But because of these damn symptoms...this anxiety..and panic attacks. Now whenever I sense just a HINT that something odd is going on in my body, I think it's gonna be another anxiety or panic attack! And I'm starting to get anxious when I'm outside ESPECIALLY college because I don't want to look like a nut case in front of everyone there. That's the last thing I need, really.



I still have self control. But when I begin the hyperventilate from not being able to get in enough air when I'm experiencing shortness of breath...I'm gone. It just hits like I owe it child support (yes I stole that from Chris Rock cuz he's awesome :P). And I'm afraid of hyperventilating when I can't take it anymore and it really frustrates me.



Not to mention the first couple of attacks I had when I woke up from sleep. Those were the MOST TERRIFYING crap ever...



Imagine waking up paralyzed, unable to breathe properly, shaking, feeling this HUGE weight laying on top of your body, your heart beating out of your chest, sweating hot and cold, unable to say anything and scared to bloody death.



You'd think it's something...there gripping you down. Your mind goes to SO many places. And you can't even talk. Or scream. Nothing. Just locked inside your head. Praying to God inside your head till your able to verbalize those words and repeat whatever Quran comes to mind over and over and over like you have OCD, till the weight is lifted off of you and it all subsides.



There might've been more but I can't recall. I recently learned I tend to suppress things easily.



Wow. Come to think of it, I had a pretty bad one for sure (There were two of this kind but I say one to be safe, case my mind is playing tricks). This whole time I actually thought my attacks were nothing. Well compared to THAT one, the few that came later were a piece of cake. At least I wasn't scared in those ones of DYING. Ha, I thought it sounded ridiculous reading the symptoms on medical website, only to realize that's exactly how I felt...and it felt so real.



There are definitely others who've suffered much much worse than I ever did. My heart goes out to all of them. Panic Attacks surely aren't funny and I can't blame those who develop agoraphobia, after a while of having them outside. As ridiculous as it sounds initially.



Right now I feel my pulse throughout my whole body. Something a cutter would love to be feeling. But it doesn't feel good. Cuz it makes me feel lightheaded. The numbing adrenaline that rushes through your veins in a later stage of anxiety or panic, is something I used to lash at my skin with needles for in the past. Not anymore.



Haha, I'd like to meet someone with panic disorder who cuts themselves. That'd be a twist. I imagine if I injured myself or even got hurt accidentally, that I'd panic through the roof lol. Maybe, maybe not.



Anyway...I was supposed to see a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist today. They say he's one of the best. Apparently, good enough not to be able to come in today due to a conference meeting... so I'm booked for an appointment on monday insha Allah.



I'm really nervous about going. I want the therapy. Trust me, if anyone knows me, they know I've been wanting therapy for ages lol.



Where do I begin with him? What do I say? What do I hide? What do I disclose? I'm not sure what to do. I don't even know if I'll trust him or even like him to continue.



I don't feel well right now. See? Anxiety sucks lol. I think my acid reflux is connected to my anxiety somehow. It seems to flare up when I get well...anxious. You know, before this whole panic stuff began, I didn't even KNOW what anxiety really was. I mean, I thought that was for the worrybots. Not me. I know I worry sometimes, but I sure know other people in my life that could win first prize! So I don't get it...



All I know is it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. And here's the kicker: When under a lot of stress for a LONG ( I mean Looonnng) time, the chemical balance is affected or can be. Ain't that da ****?



I guess that's what I get for holding it all in all these...since I was born lol.



Please don't pity me. Those who really get to know me tend to. So...don't. It's my blog and it's my rules! LOL :P. I used to seek that kind of attention but...well, when you get it...you don't want it anymore.


velvetaurora velvetaurora
26-30, F
5 Responses Aug 13, 2009

Thank you Torishu for your support. It means a lot to me :). Someday I'll go back but when im out of this country! lol. I am doing much better now though than before. no more breathing problems or panic attacks. And i'm withdrawing from my antidepressants.

Im sorry to hear what your going threw. It isnt fun at all i know how you feel. Go threw the therapy just hearing some encouragement and telling anything you can of your mind to a stranger actually feels pretty good. If i had money id go back to therapy but i just continue to keep the advice in my head along with relaxing techniques it does seem to help. I hope it works out for you

Unfortunately the small number of therapists I've seen so far have shattered any hopes of finding a decent and good doctor out here. Egypt isn't exactly first world...*sigh*... . It wasn't asthma, I had myself checked. Plus when I doubted, I bought an inhaler just in case but it didnt seem to help. Think it might just be a bunch of crap stuffed inside that has no more room :P.

Could you be having an asthma attack? it could be worse if you have acid reflux! my brother went through the same thing, though he didn't start to hyperventilate...<br />
also, do you recall any dreams from when you woke? <br />
Mention something about scream therapy to your councilor....it would be interesting what he would say.<br />
Blessed be,<br />
DunkelAugen~

Good luck with therapy.