The Anger...

Bad tempers run in the family. My grandfather had it, my mom has it, my oldest brother has it, and I just try my hardest to hide mine. I have this fear that I will be like them. Growing up, my brother would always get angry over everything and he would hit things and throw things. Whenever he would babysit me and my younger brother, it was always like a wrestling match. I hated it. One time, he got mad and kicked a chair really hard and broke his town. Another time out of the blue he decided to trip me and severely sprained my wrist. As we got older, his anger got worse and it always made my mom and him go at it. There were times when I got sent down the road to a neighbor's house to be away from the fights. But that still didn't protect me from what was to come. The damage was already done. By 7th grade it was a regular thing to have happened. I was deathly afraid of having my own opinions because sometimes the frustrations my mom had from my older brother would be taken out on me. I did everything I could to maintain some peace in the house. Whenever there was to be yelling, I was close by watching, waiting to see what  I had to do next. By this time my schooling was impacted. Whenever a teacher would yell, I'd feel like crying inside b/c I was afraid. I guess a part of me was waiting for osmething to be thrown, even though it was school. I can't tell you how many dishes I'd seen broken in my life, or how many dents there were in the fridge from being kicked, or even how many doors had to be replaced. The yelling would go on late into the nights and I was getting minimal sleep. I had switched schools and didn't trust any of the kids. However, when I'd mentioned that on average i'd get 3 hours of sleep, they didn't believe me because by then my body was "used" to it and I didn't show dark rings under my eyes. Still, I preferred school to home; my life was controlled by fear at home. In 8th grade, my mom and bro were yelling back and forth and my mom broke down, reached into the drawer and grabbed a knife. In one swift motion she took it to her throat, going for the juggular. My bro instantly changed moods and grabbed her arm just in time to stop. I jumped in to help pry the knife out of her hands. She got taken away for 2 nights and released early b/c she convinced the shrink that it was all his fault. The following year I had a friend over studying for finals when my bro got upset over something and went to hit my mom. He towered over her and swung his fist down to hit her on top of her head. She raised her hands in protection. Just like that, she had a broken hand. He got arrested and a restraining order was established, but he was still allowed over by mom occasionally.
Things really didn't get better until now. Now I'm at college and don't have to deal with this stress all the time. Plus my brother might actually be getting the help he needs. He really is a good guy, just has some issues. My only regret in dealing with his anger problems is that I never once called the police when I should have. I never once spoke up about everything that happened. I just kept it in. Just like all the other stories on this topic that I have chosen not to speak about. Stilll, the way I grew up in all this yelling and violence has effected me in ways I never realized until I went to college. I may not have been direcetly attacked, but still, I can't help but feel like there has been some sort of abuse from this?? I'm still working to deal with everything, but find it difficult some days. When I get angry, I'm afraid that I'll do something like I'd seen growing up. I have a fear that if I ever get married and have kids, I'll be angry towards them and cause them scars like I have from all this anger I've seen.

mcdonaldsworker mcdonaldsworker
1 Response Jan 25, 2010

Your past is so simualar to mine it actually scares. The constant violence scars u life. Ive lost count of the times i had plates thrown at my head that were meant 4 somebody else. Nobody cared if i had friends over, so i couldnt do that as it was to embarassing. Now i have my dad & older bros temper due 2 the phisical & emotional abuse. If u ever wana talk,im here!