Confused And Feeling Alone

im 29 years old. my first pregnancy was when i was 21 i lost that at 13 weeks. and had a horrific experience with the d&c. I decided for a long time after that that children were just not for me. then with in the last year i started to have a change of heart , it started slow but grew from something i would consider to something i wanted very much. So when i took a home pregnancy test that came back positive myself and my boyfriend were thrilled and excited we started looking at cribs and discussing our lives and our coming childs life right away. about a week or two after the home test things started going all wrong. i woke up one morning to a bad cramp in my abdomen and later that day i started bleeding in a panic we went to the ER . They drew blood did two external and an internal ultrasound and a pelvic exam. my cervix was closed and my tests were positive but they could not find any sac or embryo any where. they sent me home telling me it was very early and it may be a threatened miscarriage and to lay down and take it easy. the next day the pain came back only worse so we went back to the hospital. again more tests and no answers. this began the next 3 weeks of my life with blood test every two days and ultrasounds every three days. my level kept rising but there was still nothing on any ultrasound. i was told something different everyday i spoke to the doctor first it was a viable early pregnancy, then it was a misscarriage about to happen then it may be ectopic. then back to it cant be an ectopic do to my levels but lack of any embryo anywhere. so through it all it was impossible to know what to feel or prepare for every pain scared the crap outa me every time i went for a new test it drained a little more of me till i was just done and ready to give up. so i finally told the doctor that even though we didnt know that we would go ahead with the methotrexate shot since he kept going back to it may be ectopic. it did not sit well with me to know i might be ending a pregnancy i wanted so much and it may be for not real reason. but we decided it would be safer that way i cried and cried for days before the appointment the morning we went to have the shot my doctor wanted one more blood test done first. the results showed my levels had jumped way way up so even though i had prepared myself for the end of this pregnancy my dr came into the room and said wait it might be viable by now my mind and my soul was spinning. so i waited and then the pains really started the bleeding wouldnt stop and i could feel my self weak and drained. i wanted to stop. stop the tests stop the questions just stop and let nature , god , fate whatever take its course. i felt like i was slipping away. my boyfriend convinced me that we should try a second opinion and go from there. so i went to another doctor did more tests at first from doing the latest ultrasound at that point the new dr was convinced it was just early pregnancy and not ectopic. then he looked at my hormone levels and changed his mind. we left the office saying we had to think the next day i called and set up a new appointment for the methotrexate  two days later we went to have it done at the new hospital they did one more ultrasound and finally found the embryo in my right tube. so we did the shot i was told id have some cramping in a few days. the next day i could hardly move from the pain i called my dr who told me to take and advil and lay daown and ride it out. two days later i literally couldnt get outa bed. when i finally crawled to the bathroom i fainted and woke up on the floor to my boyfriend over me as i was shaking and sweating i ended up in emergency surgery 3 hours later that day. the shot had caused me to bleed internally they removed alot of blood from my abdomen and the ectopic luckily they were able to save my tube. that was a week ago.
now though im not as sore as i was and my stitches are starting to heal i can feel this sadness mixed with anger bordering on rage creeping in on my edges. everyone around me keeps asking when i may try again ..... yeah sure ... i have so many questions and no one can answer me my heart hurts i cant work all i can do is sit and wait and try to heal try to accept whether or not i ever want to concieve again or maybe that im just not ment to have children. i had no risk factors for this to happen so im just so afraid it will happen again. i just dont understand this life really how can something that i felt like i loved almost as soon as i knew about it and maybe even before how could it end up this way? i feel like something is wrong with me i see so many others with children and able to have safe healthy prgnancy and i just cant. i dont know what to do or how to handle these thoughts and feelings. no one i know has ever gone through this so no one knows what to say. my boyfriend has children from a past relationship so i feel like he cant understand how i feel not having any and having to have two pregnancy end so horribly. i dont know thats my story as of right now i know i was lucky in alot of ways so maybe im being selfish in feeling so much pain and anger. i mean they were able to save the tube and my life so thats a plus right?