I'm So Sad And Confused

Hi everyone. I've very recently had an ectopic and I think I'll feel better just by writing my story. About three days after I found out I was pregnant I started having these horrific pains in my right abdomen, to the point where I was just curled up in a ball on the floor in absolute agony. My husband took me to the ER and initially the doctors thought I had appendicitis, based on where I was saying the pain was. They would not run any tests on me, like a CT scan, because they didn't want to harm the fetus. So I laid in the hospital with doctor after doctor telling me there was nothing they could do. They sent me home that night saying it could be a possible "muscle spasm".

The next night, the pains struck again. This time I had a sonogram and the doctor said he could see a faint mass in my fallopian tube. Still, oddly enough, the consensus was I had appendicitis. So I get wheeled into surgery to remove the appendix and lo and behold, it's an ectopic. They removed it through a small incision in the fallopian tube, and also took about the appendix while they were in there. I am lucky they didn't have to remove the tube though I'm told, even if they did, that doesn't effect my fertility either way.

I had a followup today and there's a 15-20% chance this will happen again. And apparently my tubes are scarred, so that was the reason I had this. It's a horrible thing to hear your reproductive system isn't exactly up to snuff. I just feel so awful that I can't have a baby like all these other women who just seem to snap their fingers and get pregnant. I'm also scared for if/when I get pregnant again -- the first person I call won't be my mom but the gynecologist to schedule an immediate appointment. It hurts inside, it's so sad, it's scary, and I feel like less of a woman. I would like to know how other women dealt with this in the aftermath, how they got through it. I just had this whole experience so it's very new, but does it get better?
stellabella79 stellabella79
31-35, F
3 Responses May 11, 2012

Hi, sorry for your loss. I had emergency surgery at 9 weeks pregnant. I am too very sad and scared. I do want to have a baby.. I'm still recovering. I go through a lot of emotions in regards to my pregnancy, I ask myself why does this happen, it's so sad. I lost my left tube, now I'm left with a lot of questions. I do wish it didn't happen, but it does when you least expect it, I lost my tube that's the hardest part, we only have so many chances.. Goodluck to you, and all the women in the world that have gone through this. Take care I hope this helps.

Also, it's so hard for me to get pregnant I've been tryin for 12 years, tried everything nothing worked( except invitro) too expensive so i gave up, until it happened on its own. I was so happy when i found out i heard the heart and saw it, then it had to be terminated, it was a Corneul pregnancy.I cried and felt hopeless.. And asked why????
I hope things are better for you, this post was some month back. I pray for all of us to have healthy pregnancies in our near future..

I joined this site just a couple of hours ago and it was just to tell my story because I felt no one would care as it happened 2 years ago. The pain of losing a child in such a abrupt way is something you never get rid of but you will learn to cope. I still hide in my room and cry my eyes out. I was offered therapy but I turned it down thinking that I would be ok. The next thing I know all within a year, my brother, best friend and ex all had children of their own and that was tough. It will get easier. I promise.<br />
I am sorry to hear you have had such an awful experience and my heart goes out to you and every other woman that has been through this too. It is a difficult thing to process and get to grips with.<br />
I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope that you will try to smile again.<br />
Xxxxxxx

Hey, thank you for your very kind response. It's hard to hear have those so close to you having children... I know it'll get easier. It really has these past few months. I feel a lot better, time really is a great healer. I cried too a lot and now I just feel like... wow, did that really happen? It's such a blur....

Hi<br />
I share your hurt. I'm 31 years old soon to be 32 and have been undergoing infertility treatments for the last year and we've been trying for a year and a half. I too experienced an ectopic pregnancy 4 weeks to the day. God was good and they thought they could manage me with chemotherapy medication. I still ended up with severe pain landing me in the ER and the hospital but eventually the pain improved and they continued to monitor me with ultrasound and blood levels. I still have a long long way to go. The experience has left me feeling lonely, helpless, hopeless and my feelings have transitioned from feeling like a failure to anger and bitterness and I'm praying for peace at the end.<br />
At this stage of life all your friends/colleagues/co-workers are pregnant or have children. I know what you mean about feeling less of a woman- it feels like you lost your purpose in life and it is hard to see anything good coming out of such an experience. Other than hearing the stories online, I have found no one to relate to who can share my pain and tell me it will be ok. I think putting your feelings in words can really help and despite my initial resistance, I'm realizing that the more I share this with friends around me, the easier it gets. If you belong to a faith system, seeking God is so important. At the end of the day, no one knows why this happened to me and all my friends who went through infertility treatments already have kids and they have been trying for less time than I have. It feels unfair yet I realize nothing is fair in this world. Prayers, sharing with others, writing my feelings, and being around those who are less fortunate (soup kitchen/serving the less fortunate/volunteering in a hospital....ect) has slowly helped me to gain prespective. I am trying to hold on to the hope that having gone through this, a healthy pregnancy in the future can only be so much more meaningful/exciting/glorifying. It is hard to have that hope at all, but that's where prayer comes in. We all need hope to survive.

Hi Strongerfaith -- thank you for your story. I cried a little when reading it. It's a heart wrenching experience, even when the baby doesn't have arms and legs, and is just a cluster of cells. It never got the chance to be born. A few weeks after my surgery, I just feel shame now. I don't know, probably because my body couldn't do what it was conditioned to do.

You are lucky to have your faith, and you have a good attitude about what is/is not fair. I'm your age, 32, and yeah, all my friends have kids too. But I try to block that from my mind because we're all different, when we decide to have a family. My husband and I will try again but at this point, I'm not going to assume that I'll get pregnant again, though the chances aren't that bad. I'm going to try to stay grateful for the wonderful things I already have in my life; my husband, family, overall health.

I'm so glad to hear your story because I can relate, and it makes me feel better to know I'm not alone. Like you, I don't know anyone who's gone through this so that's why this group has been so great.