My Personal Nightmare.

My husband and I had been married for just over a year, although we had been together for 9 years, when we knew we wanted to start a family. I began taking prenatal vitamins and after a few months of letting them build up in my system, we started trying. I found out I was pregnant on Friday November 4th. My husband's great grandma had  just died and this happened to be the day of her funeral. We waited a few days to tell our families because we didn't feel the day of the funeral was the best day to share our news.  Even though I began feeling nauseous as soon as we found out, I couldn't have been more excited. My husband was equally as excited. I felt so sick I wondered how I'd be able to work the following Monday. Although to my surprise, I woke up Monday morning feeling perfectly fine, I even made it to my aerobics class that evening. I started spotting on Tuesday morning and that's when the panic set it. I called my doctor and the receptionist assured me that everything was fine, even though I knew deep down that it wasn't. I then decided to switch doctors. My best friend was pregnant and she spoke so highly of her doctors office that I decided to make an appointment with them. They got me an appointment within the next few days (longest days of my life). I then met with a nurse for about an hour where she described to me the dos and don'ts of pregnancy. Before making me an appointment for an ultrasound later that afternoon, she explained to me that it was still very early in my pregnancy and she made me promise not to be upset if they couldn't see the heart beat that day. I promised, although I knew exactly how'd I'd react if the heartbeat wasn't visible. My husband left work early and met me at the doctor's office for the ultrasound. My biggest fear was confirmed when the ultrasound tech nonchalantly said, "I just don't see anything." I called my doctor the next day and they scheduled me an appointment to have lab work done. My first hcg level was taken on a Thursday and it was right around 1600. In the mean time my husband's great grandfather passed away. I waited the miserable 48 hours to have my second set of lab work, which happened to be the day of the funeral. I hadn't shared the problems we had been having with family because I didn't want to worry them with everything else that had been going on. Therefore, I was congratulated on the pregnancy many times that day. I had to fake a smile and say, "Thank you" when I was secretly dying on the inside. We were at the funeral when I received the phone call that my hcg level had dropped to 1200. I rushed out of the funeral and was actually told "Bye mommy to be" as I walked through the parking lot, which cut like a knife. Dealing with the deaths of two family members and having a miscarriage all within 2 weeks was nearly more than I could handle, little did I know that things were going to get even worse.  In the days to follow,everything happened just like the doctor said it would. I remember saying to my mom, "Go figure that I would have a textbook miscarriage." Boy was I ever wrong! A couple days later I began experiencing the worst pain I had ever felt in my life! I called the doctor and was assured that "It's normal with miscarriage." Things didn't quite seem right but I took their word for it. That is, until a few days later when the pain came back, only worse this time. My husband drove me to the ER where we waited for 9 hours before seeing a doctor. They did an ultrasound and took blood to test my hcg level and then the doctor told me once again that it was all normal with a miscarriage. When the hcg results came back my hormone level had actually went up! I saw the look on my husbands face and I knew exactly what he was thinking. He now had hope that just maybe the baby was okay, but I knew better.  I had spent many sleepless nights learning everything I could about miscarriages. The ER discharged me that night (or should I say morning) and told me to schedule a visit with my regular doctor the following day. My regular doctor then scheduled an ultrasound which confirmed I had an ectopic pregnancy. She said that looking back to my first ultrasound they could now see it, when they had missed it the first time and then again at the ER. I received a methotrexate shot, which made me feel incredibly Ill for a few days. I started going for weekly blood tests to check my hcg level and after a few weeks my levels were at 0 and everything was back to normal. Or so I thought. I, once again, started to experience extreme pain that would last for hours at a time. It was pain so severe that I couldn't even go to the ER because even the thought of moving or riding in a car was too much to bear. I called my doctor after the pain finally ceased and she scheduled me for yet another ultrasound. This ultrasound confirmed that I had developed a hemoraghic cyst on my left ovary. I was prescribed birth control pills and scheduled for routine ultrasounds. I felt pain often from the cyst. Sometimes it would be a 2 on a scale of 1-10 and others it would be a 7. The doctor scheduled me for one last ultrasound and said if things werent better she'd like to do a laproscopic surgery. A couple of days before my appointment the pain finally went away and I was certain I would get good news at my next ultrasound. I was right! In April I was told the hemoraghic cyst was gone, although I still had a small clear fluid filled cyst which caused me only mild pain. I had never had cysts in my life. In fact, I never had any health problems, ever. My doctor informed me that after taking prenatal vitamins for a few months we would be able to try again whenever we were ready. 

Just last week I stopped taking my birth control pill and started taking my vitamins. My pills made me an emotional wreck and I often took it out on my husband, who has been my biggest support through all of this. I felt emotionally drained and my life pretty much consisted of working then coming home and throwing myself a pity party. I've never cried so much in my life. Even though I've only been off the pill for a week, I already feel a huge difference in my energy level, or as my husband put it I finally have some, "pep in my step".

All I think about all day, every day, is having children. The only thing holding me back now is fear. I am terrified of going through this again. These last six months have been by far the worst of my life. I've tried to find any good I can in this situation. This is what I've discovered:

- My husband and I are closer than ever. He was compassionate and supportive through this entire thing. Our love for each other has grown and I know that since we made it through this we can make it through anything.
-I'm a lot tougher than I ever imagined. Looking back there were somedays I was stronger than others, but I made it.
-I knew I was ready for children and this only confirmed it. I also know that when I do have children I will be even more thankful for each and every day I get to spend with them.
AKHarper AKHarper
22-25, F
May 20, 2012