It occurred to me sometime during this week that the anniversary of my ER trip, discovering I was pregnant, discovering it was ectopic, and discovering I was on the verge of death was approaching. It's 11 months today. Last night, I stayed up very late reading stories from women who had elective abortions and ectopic losses.

When I finally went to sleep, I had a long, vivid dream about being pregnant. In this dream (despite my knowledge that my husband would make a terrible partner parent and probably not a good father either) I was excited to learn I was pregnant. The situation was similar to my actual hospital trip. I went to the hospital for some reason (don't know) and discovered I was pregnant past the point of quickening. While I was worried about the prospects of having a child with my husband, I was so in love with the unborn child, it didn't matter.

But then I returned "home" and the pain began. The same type of pain and in the same place as the ectopic loss. At some point, the baby stopped moving. It was only a dream.... but it was terrible.

I am not over the loss. I will openly admit that. I have no way (other than EP) to deal with my grief. To my husband, this doesn't exist.... but I didn't really expect any type of emotional support from him. That's typical and one of the reasons I don't feel he would make a good partner parent.

So I woke up gloomy. I did manage to pass my pre-test for school, which is great, but other than that, I want to sulk all day. This is going to be a crappy last day of vacation.
SnowflakeWonder SnowflakeWonder
36-40, F
Aug 22, 2014