Truth, As I Remember It

ok, i guess i am really ready to admit the truth about the ect. i dont remember most of it.  the things i do remember are the worst ones.  i had to get to the hospital by 6 am. the hospital is an hour away from where i live, so that was no fun getting ready for shocks.  i checked in and then was forced to wait in a  room with other people having outpatient stuff done.  seems like they usually did the IV  upstairs, but maybe before the ect too.  my now ex husband and my mom would go with me. after a while he stopped going because he didn't like hospitals. so i was forced to let my mom see me in the worst state. they roll you into the little space with all the machines. a blood pressure cuff was put around my ankle, a oxygen thingee was put on my finger, then they would attach the electrodes to my head and my chest area. maybe the chest things weren't for the actual shock but there was always a sticky thing on me when i woke up. of course i am crying by now and my mom is gone. the docs and nurses are looking down on me, literally. seems like they strap my head down, but that to could be wrong. after i was all hooked up they put something in the IV to make me sleep. and then put the oxygen on me. it had the worst smell in the world. i still remember that smell today. it makes me sick. after a few deep breathes my eyes got heavy and i was gone. a mouth piece is put in so you dont grind your teeth or lock down to hard. my jaw was always sore afterward, even with the rubber mouth piece. i would wake up in a recovery area crying. i usually got sick afterwards and would throw up. they tell you not to eat but i still threw up. my mom was the only one to see me like this. which i see now is probably a good thing. i woke up all groggy and sore. then you have to wait for so long until they decide you can go home safely. next came the hour drive home and a long day of sleeping. i dont ever remember doing much after wards. i dont know how may i really had or even when they were. to this day i have memory problems. this may be one of those things that no one gets  unless you have been through it. and i pray  if you do go through  with this last resort to chronic depression it is well considered,  or you  are not the one in charge to make the decision. i know i am not the only one who has been in this, but when you start to get sick again it is always a fear of having to go back to the last resort. i dont think i can do it again. yet my depression is getting worse along with  anxiety, paranoia, ocd,  all the crap is coming back. please dont let this be another last resort time,

metalgirl99 metalgirl99
36-40, F
9 Responses Jul 15, 2008

heard about it on the news its supposed to help with depression

i dont even know what that is. guess i will be doing some research. and check into it.

well it was in this decade thats what i was asking your not pathetic that treatment has given you brain damamge <br />
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but seeriously the next doctor you see ask about deep brain stimulation

it was in early 2005. but i dont remember when. i just know it was cold on the first round and warm on the second set of them. at least i think it was 2005. i would have to look and see in records to be sure. that is pathetic.

was this something that was done to you recently or years ago

honestly, i dont know. i guess you have to weigh the good against the bad. is it better to not remember or to actually make it through the day? thanks for all the comments. nice to see someone trying to understand.

have they taked to you about deep brain stimulstion <br />
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and if it works why are some of the thngs seemkng to come back???<br />
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and (keep in mind this is amied at the treatment not you as a person) what good does it do for you to go through this if you are left with a horrble memory and memory issues surrounding the event that seem to cause you distress and the whole thing seems to be leaving traumitizing scars on your phyche

lasting yes, but for some screwed up reason it works. which is truly sad.

this is not treatment its TORTURE and should be outlawed and seems to do lasting damage