By The Same Guy

First post. I don't really know how to start this. I'm bad at sharing things that make me feel weak about myself. I always want to be a strong woman, and I am. This just makes me feel so powerless. The guy I fell in love with my freshman year of college and have been with on and off for three years dumped me yet again. It's really nothing new. It happened a while ago, actually. However, he keeps trying to contact me. He has dumped me three times. Why would I stick with someone like this? I don't know. I guess it's because, unfortunately for me, I love him with my whole heart. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I'm scared I never will. He flat out told me one time, that he didn't love me. That's why we were breaking up: he thought he could love me, but he couldn't. He was scared. Excuse after excuse. Now, he's writing me again although our last breakup is months behind us. I'm in a different country than him, for crying out loud, and he still writes me. He's written four times, and I've ignored every single mail, because he just ends up breaking my heart time after time.
I feel as though I have no one to talk to about this. Last time we got back together we had to sneak around everywhere, because my friends hate him for breaking my heart repeatedly and his friends hate him, because they love me and don't want him to hurt me anymore. So, we kept "us" a secret, and then he dumped me again. That was the last time. Now, he's written me saying how he wants to talk, understands that I don't want to talk, but that he definitely wants to talk. Followed by, "goodbye beautiful." It made me burst into tears. Why did I even read this? It's the same thing every time. Yet, I hold out hope. I hold out hope that I've misjudged him. I hold out hope that he DOES love me. Why else would he do this over and over?
How do I know if he loves me? What do I do? Do I respond to him? Do I continue ignoring him although it hurts? I'm going back to where he lives again soon and I don't know if he'll want to see me. The worst is that I WANT to see him. I WANT to get back with him. Yet, I don't if it will only hurt me again. Do I sound crazy yet? I hope not. I could write an entire essay about this for days. The point is: am in love with a guy who doesn't love me, but tries to get back with me all the time, and I'm feeling hopeless, lost, and heartbroken. Please, share your words of wisdom. I usually never post on this sort of thing, but I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.
Love, V.
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4 Responses Jul 9, 2012

Anytime dear wish we could get to know each other more

Vviolet dear even if you take him back guard you heart still. make him work to earn your trust confidence and love. If he is not for real it will show. bless u

It's really sad he keeps doing this but if udont mind give him a test behave unconcerned andharsh for two months and see if he will endure or stay if he does maybe he is changing but he doesn't then maybe he just wanted a quick fix which u definitely are not

My ex has broken up with me a couple times, and like you, I love him so much, so strong, like I have never felt before and I feel he is my soulmate, my best friend, perfect for me. He broke up with me both times without any real reason at all, keeping in contact with me. The second time, I ignored him for months and recently he wanted to hang out, so I did, we hung out a couple times, and I was fallen hard again, but with my walls up this time.<br />
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I want nothing more than to be with him again, but when he broke up with me the second time he said "I just need time to sort my life out, like a year to get **** sorted" I give him that year? faithfully waiting? It has already been six months.<br />
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We were sexting a bit, me naive, thinking it would win him back enough, all I got was "I could do friends with benefits, but I am not ready for commitment right now and if we dated again, I want to be ready"<br />
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...he was the one pushing commitment from the start and btw, we we're a great couple, it worked. But like he says, for whatever reason he isn't ready (he is a man, they are more complicated than women I think) <br />
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I want to be able to let him go, move on, but like you, I am afraid that if I do, it will never be the same, it will always be me just settling for what I can get.<br />
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Whatever you do, if you want him back, make him work for it, if this man ever comes back to me he will have A LOT of work ahead to gain my trust again, but I will be moving out of town and starting school again, not far from him, but whatever happens I hope things work out for me and hopefully they will for you too. Everything works out in the end, or so thats what keeps me hoping. <br />
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Just know, you are not alone in this and love is not as easy as a fairy tale, and the games played in it are cruel and heartbreaking.

Well he hasn't talked to me in over a week now, and since I was the last one to contact him, I don't feel like its my job to keep in contact. I have no idea what he needs to "sort out" and why he "isn't ready to commit" when he was the one from the start who said commitment, BUT he is obviously confused, or making really bad excuses. I don't know what I'll do, try to move on I guess and stay strong, if it's meant to be it will be sort of thing I guess, but I am tired of trying now.

It seems at first when I was ignoring my ex, he was always contacting me and once we started talking often, he backed off again, maybe he got bored because I wasn't giving him something to chase anymore. Who knows!

I know it hurts to bad for me to be playing these games with him, so I am going to try and let go, like I said, if it's meant to be it will happen, he will come back and if I am with someone better by then, its his loss.

As for giving your ex another chance, look at what he has done to change, has it been anything? Prepare yourself for it to possibly happen again, and if you are ready to handle that. If you're not ready then keep ignoring him and take your time. You want him to be your bf, but you don't NEED him to be.

It's not easy though, I think about my ex all day everyday, it's like he is a virus in my brain that keeps spreading. I'm just hoping with a new life in a new town, the thought of him will dull down.

Hopefully for you, you'll figure out what is right to do, its hard, but if you feel like trying, then try, I always say, how do you know when to give up? I guess you just get to that point and you'll know.

Exactly! Keep strong and keep moving on!! I'm just going to try and focus on me, someone will appreciate me for the good woman I am and one day my ex will regret leaving me and realize how much he messed up and threw away a chance at happiness

He had texted me since, just "hey" so I replied "sup" then he asked how my move went and said he is sorry he hasn't talked to me, he wasnt in a good place. Seems even though he has been super depressed since he left me, he still can't see the light I brought into his life, but my cell phone just broke so I have bigger problems to worry about! Lol it just sucks loving someone who is so confused and all over the place.

It's so true!!! Like just as you start to come to terms with the fact, okay, he isn't interested, wont be talking to me again, deal with it girl. They come back. It is so messed up, I think I'd like to confront him to his face before I delete him out of my life, just to say "wtf is with these head games, if you want to be with me, then talk to me, if not leave me alone!" like, stop being so confused and man up and make a choice already!

So I had him come over and see my new place, we watched a movie, at first I was excited to see him, hopefully, then nothing happened, and he was leaving before I knew it, maybe he sensed my disappointed energy, but just before he got in the elevator I told him to come back, I confronted him about all this, not as much as I probably could have but I kept it short, I felt sick to my stomach, loosing the one person I love for good, I told him I can't be just his friend and it's not fair that he keeps saying "he just can't be with me right now" then I called him a scumbag for using me and playing games, his excuse was "I'm an *******", no you're not, your just acting like one, he said "did you just want me to say we won't date again" (yes I want the truth now, I don't want hope for something that will never happen) but when I said yes all he said was okay and then I told him to leave, he wished me good luck (with school and my new life) but like wtf!!! I don't even know what I'm feeling, love, lost, hate, I was such a wreck in my new apartment, new city, alone, my parents had to come get me to spend the night at home, where I am now, and I have to say, I know it won't be easy, but I know I can't keep letting him walk all over me and get what he wants, it's going to be very hard but I hope I can be strong though this, but talking to you helped give me the courage to finally tell him off, I was making myself sick and not eating, always worrying if he found someone new, why he wasn't texting me, what he wanted, I probably still will but I hope with no contact it will finally pass, I will hopefully move on and he will regret this forever

See I had my friends and he had his, like we all were friendly, but I deleted him and all his friends off my facebook, I couldnt see what he was up to or what not. I dont want to know. But I am surprised your ex didnt tell you he was moving. I have to say, since I cut ties completely, I do have a free feeling. I am not making myself sick wondering why he hasnt contacted me, what he is up to, what he wants, whats going to happen. Sure, I still think about him, and I wonder if he will ever talk to me again. But I would never have moved on if I kept holding onto him. I was still almost committed to him, even though we werent together, waiting faithfully for him to be ready to be with me again. Was he leading me on, or did he actually have feelings for me and was just a confused, sorry excuse for a man? Well, I will probably never know.
School is helping a lot too, I am going to school now to do hair and its fun, hands on and keeps me pretty busy. I am meeting new friends, and even though they are all girls, I am sure boys will come along at some point. I try to have faith that no matter what happens, I'll be okay, if my ex comes back and confesses his love to me or if I move on, or if I move on and in a few years my ex comes back, you never know. I just didn't like the way I was being treated, and making myself sick over my feelings for some guy who could care less about what he was putting me through wasn't worth it anymore. I can eat again, my anxiety of being alone is gone, sure I am alone, but I dont feel as alone as he made me feel, the constant rejection was just agony, torture. I'm not out looking for a bf now, just focusing on me, part of me hopes someone will ruin him they way he ruined me, sure maybe I am still a bit bitter, but who wouldnt be, right? Part of me also hopes he will come begging back. But from here on out, I worry about me, do what feels right to me, do what I enjoy and I dont have to feel guilty. I feel more free and like I can grow as a whole person on my own. He is messed up and he will only continue to mess up relationships because he still, after 6/7 months has not gone to get the counselling he said he wanted, he hasnt changed. I think I might go see a psychic, I dont know if I really believe in that stuff, but just for the fun, theres one down the street from me lol. I hope that you too can move on, whatever happens, be strong. It was a hard choice to make, but I am glad I made it, I feel so much better now. I dont even have his number anymore, if he ever wants to contact me, he can find me, but I know if I ever open that door it will only lead to hurt and I dont need that. It sounds like your ex is just as confused, getting whatever he wants from you and never returning the favor. Thats why I had to stop, I was not going to let him use me as a friend and get comfort from me when he needed it, an ego boost from me, for him to be hot and cold with me, deserve better and so do you :) You'll know when you're done because you'll just be done with it all and the energy to put up with it will be gone and you'll give up, and if they admit it ever or not, they will know they messed up and they know what they lost.

also, there's this song that, well its kinda scremo I guess you could say, Im not one to really genre music, but its from a band called memphis may fire, its called; red in tooth &amp; claw.....I dont really get the name but if you google the lyrics, it was just too true to what I was feeling at the time, and now I can say, sure I guess I still feel it, but I'm not in that darker place anymore and things are getting brighter, sure I will probably still have dark days, but there is light at the end of my tunnel

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