They Always Refer To It As Broken, More Like Shattered

im not sure how deep i want to go into this or what i want to say. i guess i'll start off with saying that i fit the criteria for this group or whatever. My previous relationship started off about three years ago wonderful. we loved each other, we never had a dull moment together. From the moment we first kissed there was a feeling i can't explain. almost as if i could actually pass out from kissing her. Well saying all that i should also say that when we meet she already had a daughter. me i had no problem with that and i began to fall in love and treat her daughter as my own. Later on down the road we had our first child. things were bad. you know newborns can be a pain in the a** sometimes with the no sleep thing. but i moved in to her parents apt. which was about 15 miles away from where my parents live. well things were going. i mean everyone has their arguments and everything but it was like when the kids went to bed and we had time to talk without getting interrupted or whatever she would be off in her own little world with her iphone. im not bashing on tech. im just saying she put FB and everything else in between our relationship. then after she had my other child it felt like she was loosing her love for me. The real father or ***** donors as they are referred to as, got out of prison jail whatever you want to call it. Suddenly it was he wants to see his daughter. this is how she settles it lets her 6 year old daughter make the decision. so he gets to see her i have to hear her refer to him as daddy, when i was that person for three years. it hurts to love someone with everything you have knowing all their faults and still wanna be there. they say love is like a fart and if you have to force it then it's probably sh**. i guess so cause it seemed right after he started seeing his daughter she(my ex) started "seeing" him too. the one night i forget how he came to be at the apt but she said she was going to walk him to the bus stops well two hours nothing three hours and the same nothing. well the next day it was well i walked him home cause he missed the bus. just for perspective walking him home includes walking to another state. so she doesn't give me answers till i keep at it asking her what was she doing. and she came out and said it. she lifted up her hair and said this is why i went home with him. she had hickeys all over her. well i have developed the problem of her ******* me off and upsetting me so bad that i need to hit something. and when nothing was around at that time i punched my self. i ended up almost breaking the bone under my eye and swelling the side off my head up pretty good. well anyways she said she was sorry for doing it and everything but somehow they ended up going to go donate together (her ex the felon) and when they got back four hours later i knew something was up so it was he missed the bus and has nowhere to go. you can just get the f*** out if they(her parents) are taking your side. you know calling me every name under the book. well i lost it when all that happened broke my hand in two places on a very nice sized tree. I slept outside that night just crying every tear i could felt truly broken hearted betrayed just everything. i think for me it was too over whelming with all the emotional pain and sorrow that i felt that maybe if i had physical pain the emotional pain would ease or slow down or whatever but that isn't true. not matter how bad my hand hurt my heart still hurt worse. she was it for me i feel like i'll never find someone else like her. but ive realized i don't want anything like her. since then she has been seeing that ******** of an ex until he treated her bad. i comforted her told her what she need to be told and she played me had sex with me made me feel like we had a chance of getting back together and everything only to return to the felon(her Ex). so i had to shut her out of my life which meant shutting my kids out of my life which it whats really breaking my heart. the thought of not knowing what the doing how their doing if they need something or anything like that. in the past month it went from this to that and back to this then something else completely. now she got involved in something that never would have worked out he only uses her someone else he can stick his d*** into. Im really lost as if i should still offer any of my love to someone that treated me like **** and who appears to want to go out with anyone else but me. Amazing how someone can break your heart but you still love them with all the little pieces. i think im really done living. with the medical issues, relationship issues, financial issues, depression and everything i see why people just give up.
ClydeRoberts ClydeRoberts
22-25, M
May 8, 2012