Poetry All Night

I met her online when I was 14, we were playing a roleplaying game online together. I thought online relationships were stupid and impossible so I was never one of those guys always trying to get random women on the internet to send me their nudes like every other 14 year old. We were friends for a little over a year, questing in game, chatting on AIM, until one night we stayed up until 8am writing poetry one line at a time. I could tell she was writing about me, and I didn't realize it at first, but I was definitely writing about her.

I fell in love with this girl, and she said she felt the same. I felt great about this, because before this point I had never seen her face, she was just a friend online I played games with. The thought that I found love purely based on personality and experience, and absolutely nothing shallow. Then we got a little more serious about things, and I finally did see her. She was gorgeous. Cute, and nerdy, and honestly with my social anxiety, far too intimidating for me to have approached in real life. She lived 3 states away and we were both still very young without means to see each other. But we kept talking about the future, and talking on the phone, and making all sorts of promises.

About 3 years later, I have had a (terrible) job for a while now, been saving up so we could finally meet in person, and she brings up this guy that lives in her apartment complex. And as she is describing him, and telling me the things he is doing, I feel threatened. This guy is trying to take her from me and she doesn't realize it yet. Not only that, but he's doing things that I would do. Stupid little hopeless romantic things like leaving an autographed copy of her favorite book at her doorstep, and staying up all night reading with her. She claims they're just friends, of course, but one day she disappears for a week. Not answering her phone, no contact online.

When she does finally show up online again, she says she needs to tell me something. "I have a new roommate... and a new last name."

Apparently, they had gone to Vegas on a whim, and got married there over the weekend. What's more is that I was so hopelessly in love with her that when she said she still wanted to be friends, I stupidly said yes, and as time went on I learned more and more about this guy she married and found out he was nearly identical to me in almost every way. We have very similar goals and aspirations, but his was in movies, mine was in video games. We have a similar physique and sense of humor. I've seen a picture of him, he could be my twin. We even have the same name. That's always been the kicker. I lost the only love I've had in my life, to myself.

About a year of off and on torture of still being friends, I finally broke all contact with her.

All this happened to me so early in life, and lasted so long, that it really skewed my ability to form relationships. I've been single ever since, and never learned to talk to women. Now I'm too self conscious about my actions and afraid of the awkwardness and rejection that's sure to follow. I'm even still a virgin. Turned down a few offered hookups because I just wasn't into them. I've been seeking a meaningful relationship, not a one night stand with a stranger. I've only asked out two women in the past 5 years, both rejections. I'm also afraid that if I somehow do manage to accidentally get a girlfriend, I wouldn't know what to do and she'd leave me out of boredom which makes taking that leap even more challenging.
LostContact LostContact
22-25, M
1 Response May 18, 2012

That is a very sad and ironic thing that happened to you, but you mustn't let it stand in your way. You have a lot to offer in looking for a deeper relationship than many of your peers. Women will appreciate that. You are still young and there will be a lot of interesting women who will come your way and you will become more and more confident. Courtship itself is difficult socially, (for women, too.) So don't let a few rejections get you down. Take them in your stride. I wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve it!