Friend Of A Friend

He was everything anyone could want. I was foolish in thinking I could be what he wanted. I feel stupid writing this because I'm only in high school, and everyone knows finding real love there is like searching Antarctica for a desert rattlesnake. The kicker is, I still refuse to acknowledge that I might love this guy. Some how, admitting to it makes the pain more real. Well, it all started in the beginning of Freshman year. I wasn't looking for anyone special, I just wanted to get good grades, have a few close friends, and get into a good college. I never really thought I'd care about someone like I cared about him. He was smart, funny, kind, talented, and everything else I could ever want. At first, my feelings for him scared me. Just last year my parents got a divorce that changed my view of the world and my life thus far.
I was stupid, I dallied and wouldn't admit to my own feelings. It took me a month to finally admit I found him... charming. Amazingly so actually. A few weeks later my best friend admitted to having feelings for him also. I held my breathe and waited. I didn't tell anyone how I felt about him. I was afraid of getting rejected by him or hurting my friend. As our schools dance rolled around my best friend slow danced with this boy who I harbored secret emotions for. It was the hardest thing I had to do that year. I bit my tongue and went outside in the rain to silently scream in frustration. It didn't matter though. He didn't like her. Turns out our mutual friends had pressured him into asking her because they knew how she felt. I knew I couldn't tell her how I felt, so I comforted her and waited.
Near Thanksgiving I got my first email from him. Needless to say, when I saw his name in the return address my heart stopped. This is the kind of person who means so much to you that you want to laugh and cry when you see them smiling. That he sent me something when he had no reason (we weren't amazingly close and only really talked in class) made me feel happy and worthwhile. It was poetry. I had never seen this side of him, but everything about him seemed to be full of surprises. For the next few months we traded poems online. I declared it our official "Poetry Battle" and looked forward to every line.
But again, I was stupid. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him face-to-face. Some of our friends teased him about being in denial, but I was so embarrassed I acted like I didn't understand. He was sweet and caring and tried to make me feel important. I didn't return the favor. I finally made myself tell my best friend (the same one who liked him before) how much I liked him, but only because she was in a relationship with someone else. It didn't matter though. By the end of freshmen year I knew I was losing him. He had given up on me I figure, but that didn't mean I cared any less about him. I constantly thought of him and blushed whenever I heard his name. My best friend would often tease me about him. Because my affections for him were so strong, he turned out to make me so weak. I still had the flutters of hope. I wasn't special or unique in anyway, but I knew I cared about him more and more each day. I wanted (or maybe needed) another chance. I'd make things right and treat him how he deserved. I set off on a mission. One to make him see himself through my eyes. My biggest problem was that I was shy. I tripped over my words and lost track of what to say. He had that affect on me. It seemed to improve slightly, but my dallying and timid nature were working against me.
Summer came around and I saw the beginnings of change that scared me more than I thought appropriate. My (now single) best friend was getting closer to him again. I saw it coming. I feared it. I tried to deny it. I ran from the idea. The only thing I didn't do is try to stop it. Who was I to deserve this boy, especially after everything I had done, or more like everything I hadn't done? The started going out in October of Sophomore year. I'm not sure what hurt most, the feeling like I'd been back stabbed by my best friend or seeing him holding hands with another girl. The months dragged by and the most curious things happened. My best friend started slowly pushing me away and me and him got to be much better friends. I was spending too much time with him. That was the bottom line, but my best friend felt bad about going out with him and didn't want to say it. We just seemed to click somehow. He could geek out about the silliest things and we could talk about it for hours. I grew to depend on him, and I'd like to think he did the same. Months pass... It's only now, after they've been together for 7 and a half months and I've had these emotions for more than 20 months that I'm telling him. I didn't really think much of it. I don't expect anything from him, but he deserved to know why she gets upset when he pays attention to me. He was kind and considerate about it. He didn't freak out or get disgusted. He was sorry. Sorry for not being interested in me like that. Sorry for continuing to think of me only as a friend. I had hope that this wouldn't change our friendship. He even asked for me to please act normal. But I didn't feel rejected, just empty.
I talked to my best friend trying to explain what happened, but I said the wrong things. As always. She's angry with me now. I wanted to just drop the subject matter of my affections for him after getting it over with, but she wants to talk to him about it. Without me. Which is her right as a girlfriend, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's not just that I lost this guy who I just can't seem to find words to describe, I also seem to be losing my best friend. I'm torn and shattered because I now fear I'm losing them both. As I sit here typing this out while holding back tears, I realize I may have to walk into school tomorrow without the two people who are most important to me by my side. High school sucks that way, and you know what? It's only Monday.
LovedOnly2Lose LovedOnly2Lose
18-21, F
May 22, 2012