Bit Of Self Counselling :)

You came along when I was low & vunerable, Had a child as a single mum as one fairytale had already gone wrong and you were my light @ the end of the tunnel.
I was given all the right signs that you were bad for me but I clung on to an ideal, being so young & scared of life alone with a baby, When you belittled
your little brother for being a drunk & a waste of life in front of me (he may well be but god? kick a man when he's down), I found out you'd given me herpes,
you said you didnt know but you did, also finding out you had been using escorts weekly for a year before you met me, I stayed still clinging, we moved in together,
One night you turned to me while we were watching tele & said "your not that pretty kelly" I didnt understand this at the time, I do now. 6 Months went by with me
and my daughter living with him, everything was ok as long as I was doing everything he wanted,ie sex, cleaning not going anywhere or seeing anyone & keeping little
one quiet. Then I fell pregnant, I honestly thought this would help us as a family unit, you'd love your own child and be better with mine. I didnt mind staying in
I was a mum, and was happy looking after everyone, When I was pregnant nothng changed it was so hard to watch you just worrying about yourself, drinking,
panic attacks etc, Never doting on me like I craved. One thing that was the most constant was your want/need of sex, this became hard when I was nearly due but I
always tried to make you happy. I had our child, I wasnt perfect kelly so it all fell apart, I begged for some help, just a little maybe a night off 3 hourly feeds,
you did nothing but get drunk lay in bed and have panic attacks when I asked for help. You would come home and say "what the hell do you look like"? Why is the house
so messy. I threw your dinner on the floor one night in an arguement and you literally beat me up, I left the next day.
The calls started after 2 weeks, I did forgive you, you blamed your childhood & said it would all change. You begged cried & offered me an alternative to moving back in,
We'd rent me a house closer to you for just me and the kids so that we could work on our issues, and if it didnt work out at least i wouldnt be moving around with young
kids in tow, I agreed. I moved into the rented house, still no help still arguements but now you could just go home so you did, all the time, only coming if id arranged
your dinner or you needed sex, Using money as a weekly weapon to hurt me, cant have any money unless your nice etc. Then I found out i was pregnant again.
I knew at this point he wasnt ever going to be a good dad or partner so I arranged an abortion. He persuaded me that I was vile for even thinking
to abort our babys sibling, and he swore he'd do more to help me, stop using money as a weapon, staying away for long periods, drinking would all improve. I agreed
The pregnancy itself was again healthy but I was so unhappy, his behaviour got so much worse, He started accusing me of cheating or having an affair, I just wanted him,
My memory of that pregnancy is tears & desperation. I had our baby and got really ill, you helped for a day or two then bye bye again, Now I was literally F****d 3 kids & alone. I took your abuse for another year, mainly from being scared of being a single mum of 3. Luckily we were given a secure home which is what gave me
the security & confidence to get rid of you! I got so used to doing it all alone, struggling in every way I decided that your abuse on top of looking after 3 young kids
was too much, They needed me strongish not crying constantly. This is where we are now.. you wont see your kids, you say your too busy, text me calling me every name in book
I have gone to the CSA for help coz im struggling financially, which you know but continue to text how many Gs you earned that day, what holiday your booking or how much
savings you have. Even making up girlfriends. But my dear I learned the lesson put in front of me so no matter what threats you make or however you plan on bribing me back
wont work this time. Now I have learned so much, I dont feel hurt, I feel determined to make it on my own, to continue my job of being a mum & showing them how a
strong person rolls! I gave you all my love and laid my life out for you, it hurt like nothing else, but I learned so much. So genuinely Thankyou,
0808kk 0808kk
Nov 26, 2012