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..He Broke My Heart. Or Was It All My Fault?

It all happened nearly 10 months ago, last May. I've met this man on my friend's party. It turned out it was his first time in Kuala Lumpur and he came to work for 3 months. As soon as I heard that, I thought to myself, "oh, forget it, haven't you had enough of those temporary men in your life". But yet again, there was something what attracted me in him so much, somehow we ended up talking the whole night. We exchanged numbers and the next day I toured him around the city a little bit. We turned out to share a lot of things in common, mainly, our interests in music. So we started attending all the gigs together, get drunk, take drugs, have fun. It probably is the still happiest time I've ever had in my life. So, we got hooked to each other. It was nearly a month we started all that, so I dared myself to ask if he has a girlfriend back home. All the while we kind of kept it really cool, something like a "no strings attached" kind of thing. But I was just curious to know. He replied that he doesn't, and the kind of job he has, with all this travelling and stuff, he simply cant manage having a girlfriend. I smiled back and said "it's great, I'm not the relationship type neither", then the topic was forgotten. Although, somehow, at that moment, I started feeling like its not actually cool with me, but I couldn't understand what was going for, apparently I was falling for him already.
Then, few days after that conversation, we met up at his hotel as usual, he gave me the card before so I was waiting for him at the room as usual (We basically used to live together). He was getting a little late so I started calling him. I heard the melody then I realized he left it there. I kept on calling until I found it under the bed. I took the phone and accidentally pressed on missed calls and messages. Well, not really accidentally, but by habit. Whenever I see the missed calls sign I automatically click on it, as if its my phone, and then I saw about 8 missed calls and 3 messages from a girl named Christina. There was her last name as well, but I just don't want to expose it here on a forum. I didn't read the messages, but I was curious to find out who she was, so I facebooked her by the name. There was an image attached on her contact, same turned out to be on her profile. I tried to find out more about her, then I clicked on Info. Then I saw what was the shock of my life for me: the relationship status! It was updated over 3 years ago. I couldn't see anything on his page because he blocked all this kind of information from me.
I felt myself so stupid for believing his lies, I wanted to confront him, to contact Christina and tell her not to believe this man that he is not worth her time and attention, but at the same time I didn't want to cause troubles for him. I left the hotel and sent him a text I had a quick change of plans and I'll call him tomorrow. The whole night I was thinking what to do. Then I decided I'd keep quiet. It was just another month or two left for him. He could choose whether to extend the contract, but I suspected he was not going to do that. I didn't want to ruin whatever's left for us, I tried to keep myself cool, so he could remember me as the fun and adventurous time he had. Every inch of my heart, body and soul was terribly aching. I'm not much of a drama person, but that was literally how I felt. Then the time came and he left. He said he couldn't extend the contract, because his boss needed him back, but I knew it was all lies. He left me totally heartbroken. It took me 3 months to get over the whole thing, I started drinking hard, almost to the point where my friends thought of sending me to rehab, but somehow I managed to keep it together.
Till now, we are still in touch online whenever he is nearby he lets me know, so I could fly and meet him there. I always got away lying I don't have time, money or not feeling well for trips. I had a chance to meet him about 2-3 times since he left, but I just couldn't do it. We send texts to each other every once in a while.
I'm not sure about the feelings I had for him, was it love, affection or something else. I was hurt so much, I feel that I still am, now. It's just not as bad as it used to be. I wonder, what he felt for me? He might have liked me, but he just needed a woman to shag obviously. Sometimes I think I hate him. I hate that he killed romance in me. I've seen to many guys right after him, some were one night stands, some are still on my booty call list. I don't feel anything to the men around me. I started seeing them only as either sexual or financial objects. I don't know how to completely get over it.... I might just need a little more time I guess....
clair07 clair07 18-21, F Feb 7, 2013

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