Complete Failure of My Life
I've tried to ask for help from the doctor, i've tried to call social workers to have some discuss, but it seems everything still go in an unsure way that makes me very uncomfortable. Then i contacted the psychologist doctor( should they be called that way?) and i experienced the first time of psycholotherapy. I expected the doctor to give me more advice, but there is not much, i talk more than the doctor speak. The doctor only said that i am thinking in a very negative way. And everything is just in the preliminary stage, she could not judge what kind of problem i have yet. She mentioned the difference of depression and anxiety and she suspected that i had social anxiety.
I told her lots of things that i've already told to social workers, friends, and my parents, i am feeling a kind of lost of what to do, i am suspecting whether the psychologist doctor can help me...
The told her these:
Recently i am thinking the complete failure of my whole life. My brain always flashes with the stupid things that i've done in the past. Seeking for reasons from all directions for my failure seems to be endless. I blamed on my father who are very very quiet and slow response to everything and I blamed my family to be too noise all the time that makes me unable to communicate with other people. I do find my self have serious problem in getting the meaning from others. Every time i am gossiping with a group of friends, i always get lost from what they are talking about. Although my mother language is Cantonese, sometimes i complain myself to be week in Cantonese. This looks so ridiculous to other people. But actually... i do think in that way. There is a constraint of my language ability that i cannot overcome. I can speak fluently but i just cannot express my words well enough to convery the meaning. I have quite a lot of experience of blasting some words in a group of hotly gossiping friends, and... the horrible consequence always happens..... the whole gossiping stopped and the whole atmosphere is fall into dead air. Er.............. then i always try to think of some to kill the dead air, but i just can't figure out any method. Some of my close friends may laugh at me of my funny behavior. But for others, i do think they are thinking that i am weired, very weired. So, most of the time, i am not dare to talk in a large group of people, because i would never convey the precise meaning to others. It seems that i am destroying others' conversation. So, i got to stop. But, i dont feel good to be silent in a social group...
I have experience of joining student society in the university which i need to organise activities to others. But i've never done any thing contributable to the society. Every time my committees and I are having general meeting, i just can't follow what they are talking about. It seems that i can only get 5~10% of the information when i am listening to a lot of people discussing. It's horrible, it sucks. When i suggests something, i made it wrong. When other people instruct me anything, i made it wrong. The time, the day and what sort of things all messed up in my mind and i found that i will never be a man who are capable of handling anything...
When i receive phone, i must put down all the things that i am doing and be highly concentrated so that i can understand what my friend is talking about. Must of the time, i would be walking or having class or having lunch with friends, the environment could never allow me to completely concentrate on what they say. As a result, i always misunderstand people or always ask them to repeat, which i found it very frustrating. I suspect the physical problem of my ear, but after hearing test by doctor, i find no problem at all. I suspect my cellphone, but even i've exchanged my friend's cell phone to use, i have the same problem. The only conclusion is: i have serious problem in getting the meaning from hearing.
Plus, i have very poor memory. I cannot remember the name of new friend even a minute after self introduction. I totally forget my time schedule or mess up all the things. When other people is trying to appointing things to do in a very easy way, i always need to say: hold on! i have to check my schedule book. You know, this just making every thing so unnatural that i can never make appointment with others in gossiping.
Every simple things just goes so difficult for me. I found even when i am talking with friends when i am walking, i totally can spare any mind on finding which way to go. When i am talking, my ears are not listening. When i am paying the cash to the cashier and collecting the changes and getting all the stuff i've bought, i just cannot spare a little bit mind on counting the changes and checking whether the stuffs are complete. Well... all these made me to be very messy in reality.
I am thinking when i was young, i never understood what the teachers had told me to do, then i always need to bother my friends.
I am thinking when i was in high school, i did nothing contributable in extra-curricular activities.
I am thinking whenever i join any kind of group game, i look like a dumb who can't follow every thing.
The most horrible thing is in a situation of a large ceremony, i am standing in a crowd with no one going to talk to me.......and then i am becoming so nervous that even other people try to chat with me, i am completely unable to response.
Well, i am really like a robot which is lack of something in the head. I don't know what i can do to overcome these.
Not to mention that i am having very bad temper these days. The preliminary conclusion from doctor and social worker is that i might have some sort of mild depression(dysmetic) which doesn't cause me to completely unhealable.