I Will Never Be The Same =;(

It's... almost like I laid on that hostpital bed as Me.. and woke up Me, but yet different. I had my sugery in 2007 I think it was.. I was happy, well I was happier then I am now before my sugery (I got screws in my back).. I had low self-asteem and other common issues; issues that could have been worked out... When I woke up on that hostpital bed.. I woke up screaming. Feeling the nurse or whoever it was pulling the tube from my throat. I was so thirsty.. and all they did was dab my tounge with a small sponge on a tooth pick... I was so weak. I remember laying there staring at the sealing not being able to move... I remember being awaken from my daise to another paticent screaming and crying in the bed next to me.. I knew what she was feeling =/
I don't remember after that...

The next morning I remember sitting up in a chair.. screaming, and crying out about the pain. Why they had me sitting up I don't know and still to this day understand.. I remember cursing my grandpa out for telling me to suck it up... It hurt so bad.

They released me a few days later? I went home and laid on my back for six weeks.. They gave me medication for the pain and it was very strong... It made me have horrible dreams about being molested, death, and strange hillucinations (spell check).. After six weeks, I went back to school (highschool) ...I ended up being sent to a medical hostpital for depressed and suicidal teens... I was 16 at the time. All the feelings I felt before my surgery were even stronger after... It got to the point where I didn't even understand why I was so sad, and angry with my life when it was all fixable.. How can a person want nothing more then to save themself, and yet have no stregnth and will power/motivation to do it... ?

My mom felt as if there was nothing wrong with me and that I just wanted attention... that wasnt the case at all... I wanted help! So the only way to be taken seriously was to harm myself =/ I found out later that it only leaves ugly scars to remember what should be forgoten... I got out of the hostpital a week later.. went back to school and supposingly my best friend told eveyone where I was.. I was so embarrased at the time.. I began to question my friends and everyone else... even if they werent looking at me differently I felt as if they were... So I isolated myself from EVERYONE....

Went back to cross point a 2nd time... after that week ended there I asked my mom to let me go to a alternative school.. she allowed me.. but it was the same there... time went by and still I counldn't focuse.. so she told me to just drop out and get my GED... I was 17 at the time....

20 years old... and still I feel the same.. I have no answers for it =/ I don't know what's wrong with me... I just feel broken and empty... My back never stops hurting... I literally feel 50 at least... My bones ache and pop... my job strains my back.. and it's so stiff... My shoulder are uneven, including my ribs (but not noticable), and I think I have the flat back sendrome... my depression never went away...

I feel like Me, but different....



IMISSMYBFSOBAD IMISSMYBFSOBAD
18-21
1 Response Dec 14, 2012

That's hectic I had surgery 3 months ago why do u still have pain u are young and hav lots to live for