It's Not F*cking Fair

I saved myself for the man I wanted to marry - not for religious reasons but just for myself - and I ended up marrying a man who is completely uninterested in sex. How did this happen? At the beginning he was very much into it. For a brief while, I even felt pressured about having sex. We would fool around but never actually do it and I think the restriction made things really exciting.

Finally, on the night we got engaged, we did it. This was the beginning of the end. The dynamic of our relationship *very* quickly became me begging and him refusing. He became emotionally and physically neglectful and he would take attention but never return it. Now it's 13 years later and I am miserable. He's on the internet looking at other women but can't be bothered to look at me. He doesn't want to talk about it and, if we do, nothing comes of it. Sometimes he cries, sometimes he pretends that he'll take some sort of step towards fixing the situation but it never happens. I am angry and miserable and resentful all the time. I have been trying to numb my feelings with food but it doesn't help. It only helps me to feel more complacent with my miserable life, like it's just not worth trying to make my life better.

I'm so angry that I waited for him. I'm so angry that I've given up my sex life for the rest of my life in exchange for nothing. I spent my 20's feeling rejected and unloved and now I'm in my 30's and I feel like my chances for happiness are slipping away forever. I'll never cheat (I believe that cheating is wrong no matter what) but I fantasize about having a fulfilling, passionate romance with a young, strong and healthy man. I've wasted my life on his constant need for attention, his selfishness, his bad moods, his insecurity. I'm so tired of being so unhappy all the time but I don't know what else to do. I'm unemployed and have no savings. I can't afford to go live somewhere else on my own and, even if I could, I don't know that I'm strong enough to do it. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up.
jejune jejune
31-35, F
4 Responses Jul 16, 2010

Oh Honey- been there, done that. It's so infuriating and humiliating to live with a man who seems more "into" anything but having sex with you! I felt ugly and angry and sexless, and it felt like it was my "fault" even though I KNEW it was his problem, not mine!!
It sounds like your guy has what therapists are just now starting to identify as "Emotional Anorexia". It's a emotional problem where a man is charming and sexy and interested....until you become engaged or married. Go to Amazon and type in "Emotional anorexia" to find the book. It lifted SUCH a huge burden off my shoulders to know it had a name and It WASNT MY FAULT!!
The best therapy I know for it is called Network Spinal Analysis (NSA) it's a kind of chiropractic that crosses into therapy, and has made more changes in our marriage and sex life than any couples therapy. Seriously- I gave my husband a choice between NSA or divorce, he chose the treatment- and it worked! (It takes about 10 months to see results- be patient). BUT- unless he's really willing to admit to a problem and seek real help, sweetie, be ready to leave. Or seek counseling just for yourself. A lot of colleges have low-cost throat clinics they offer to the community. The treatment your husband is giving you causes depression all the time. We all deserve better!!

Go ahead and find satisfaction elsewhere. I'm sure that is what your husband is doing. If he refuses to have sex with you, it is his loss.

I know 2 people in real life, who have this exact experience. If he isn't interested in sex before the marriage, he won't be afterwards.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm in the same situation.