What Social Anxiety Has Done To Me

I can't explain how I feel to anyone. Why has God done this to me? Or is it all my own? Deep down I'm not a shy, secluded person. I am outgoing, caring, articulate, and open minded. I have many gifts I'd love to show the world ... but social anxiety has ended it. I have no hope for going to college anymore. My dream of being a behaviroal therapist is down the drain. My mind is so full of racing thoughts that I cannot speak what I want to say, cannot remeber a lot or put my focus in school. I have a job I can barely do. I feel weak, I feel like a loser. Everyone is wondering why I do not talk. Everyone is wondering why I always mess up everything. Everyone is watching me, I die in my anxiety... I have been from pill to pill... hoping for a miracle one. I am in the process of behavioral therapy.. I try in work.. but it just doesn't cut it, and makes my anxiety worse knowing that I tried and failed. I look to my future.. there'
is no light. I don' know how I will ever have a stable job. I am looking to SSI right now, because I am dying inside and really cannot handle the pressure work puts on me. I don't think they'll take it seriously. I don't think people know really how bad it is .. then again I haven't told anyone. Only people who seek treatment for me. I am glad I know something is wrong and I need help... but knowing I need help is the scariest thing ever. I've become depressed to no end because I do not see a future. It hurts to know the dreams I have had for many years are crushed. Is this all there is to life for me? I know what many are thinking, just keep going and working on it, you'll improve. You'll get better. But it's so painfully hard to make a move to talk to someone... even when people are talking to me. What is wrong with me? I am not shy at all. This is not me. My faith in God got has gotten narrower. I feel ... how can God do this to me... put this burden on me... but I see.. I have done this to myself. I see my siblings around me... with wonderful jobs. One, even becoming a doctor, I have nothing to show for it. It hurts feeling like you're stupid and lazy. People have called me weird .. all kinds of names. They hurt. I just want to die. I imagine myself committing suicide .. but I cannot bring myself to it. I cannot look to anyone. I am embarrassed and ashamed, so I cannot tell anyone. Is there anyone out there like me?
allissaxx allissaxx
18-21, F
1 Response May 17, 2012

I will be praying for you don't give up! I mean it! Jeremiah 29:11