What Herpes Has Done To Me...

Hello everyone...I just found this wonderful website today and now I've found you all. I was diagnosed with genital herpes when I was 19 years-old. I was a troubled kid  from Vermont in a prestigious college near NYC, but instead of studying, I started drinking a lot and running off to my favorite nightclubs in the City. The year was 1984, and the tough little Gothic punk rock girl I was believed nothing could hurt me. Well, I got hurt. And it hurt. And I'm not sure about the rest of you but the first time was excruciating...actually most times even today it's still just as painful...as I haven't seen any significant decrease in severity in the 25 years the virus has been in me. The worst part has been that I could never be matter-of-fact about my having herpes. Whereas some people can come to terms with it and think, "Well, it could have happened to anyone, and it's a drag it happened to me, but it doesn't define who I am.", when I got herpes, it immediately became like this Minotaur in the center of my Labyrinth. I guess I can blame that on the fact of my being an imagery-addicted poet, but still, herpes became a monster who owned me, it had a life of its own, and a consciousness, and an awareness as to when it would be most inconvenient to strike, that is when it would awaken in me. So I began to think of cruel names to call myself, and crueler images to assign to my Being, like "The Mona Lisa Smeared with Filth", or as "Someone so lovely now irrevocably sullied and stained..." And it just got worse from there. Well, I've always been honest about having it. And to the best of my knowledge I've never transmitted it, although I do retain a vague sense of dread of a night in NYC 25 years ago....so now I am here. I have been single again for 5 years, mostly because of fear, and due to my tendency to hibernate anyway, but really it's about being sick and tired of having to have "the talk" and fear the reactions I might get. I did find a personals site called "Positive Singles" for people with herpes and/or other sexually-transmitted diseases, but that came to nothing. I guess now I should just give up on that sort of intimacy and focus simply on friendships...I don't know...I'm just glad to be here, and to not have to hide this painful fact of my existence. Thanks for listening :) ~ Hillary
Faersylphaelsea Faersylphaelsea
41-45, F
5 Responses Aug 9, 2010

For me it had seemed like I'd just have to live with constant and long lasting herpes outbreaks, but I lucked upon a website selling hsv-zero and spend the 40 or so bucks on a small bottle of it. It's got calendula and a few other ingredients used in Germany to treat herpes, in a base of dmso, which both treats the herpes virus and dries out the sores. Anyway, for me it can prevent the outbreaks, and if I use it too late it usually only takes about 3 or 4 days until I'm blister free. So now the disease is actually manageable.

what matters is your fine now - life is an experience !

Heh-heh, I love that, Brainyblonde! :) That's excellent and yes indeed I will absolutely delight in saying the same when next I have the chance :) and I will try to think about this affliction in more positive, light-hearted terms, too, thank you so much :)<br />
<br />
Hillary

Thanks so much for your kindness, Glitchnitch! You really made my night. It's so nice to not need to feel ashamed. And I imagine many of the people who do have herpes lack the courage to be honest about it. It's so nice to be here, in a place where being honest feels like a celebration instead of a curse :) Thanks again, ~ Hillary

you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. millions of people have Herpes. it could have been worse, like HIV, or some other really bad ones. but the fact is Herpes is the most common and among the mildest of sexualy transmited diseases. there are millions of wonderful people in the world who have it. we all have some flaws about us and our past we aren't proud of. cheer up and be the wonderful person you are for sharing and being (real). that alone is far more important than a pesky virus that is not much worse than an alergy of sorts. be happy and live well - Glitchynitch.