Keep Looking Back , Hurt, Confused...

So I'm 19 and it was only 2 days ago that I found out I had herpes. I was devastated and I still I am. I remember the moment the doctor told me. Before I took the test I was so confident because I knew I was always "clean". I visited my boyfriend not to long ago during thanksgiving and we had unprotected sex. I knew I was clean and he told me he was too since he's in the military they had to take blood test. But on the drive back home I felt this burning sensation and I had to pee every so often. It hurt and it lasted 10 days. At first I thought it was a UTI and cranberry juice seemed to help until it worsened and So i saw the doctor... UTI test was negative so I was relieved. So maybe I thought since I hadn't had sex for awhile I was just really sore. Then I did other blood test and requested std and HIV. I wasn't worried. Come to find out... I had herpes.... I called my sister (close friend) freaking out because I didn't know what to do or how to feel... He's told me that his exgf was clean... And he was clean too when they gave him a blood test 2 months ago... I was clean... I admitted it to him no matter how terrified I was.. He's still around and he's supportive but I dont feel the Same I still feel so angry... My problem is... I did a HIV check and std when I broke up with my ex and I was clean, I stopped having sex then until my new boyfriend now. So I know I got it from him.... I'm worried though.... He said he's going Monday to get checked... But what if he comes out negative ? If his exgf comes out negative too? I know I didn't just get this out of no where... I've always requested an std and HIV and did Pap smears even when I was with my last partner for almost 3 years before we broke up. And I know coming into that last relationship I was clean... Right now I just seem so confused and hurt..

I've found this blogging site and I found some comfort... To know that there's others who's willing to share thier story ... I know others had it worse than me... But it still feels depressing to know.

I'm lucky to have my boyfriend still around and accepts it even though...I can't... I keep telling him he's crazy... I dont say the word herpes.. but he mnows what im referring to...But for some reason it doesn't matter... He doesn't feel any different... I'm still learning how to accept it... How to cope with it... I cry often and I don't feel myself anymore...

My sister (close friend) has it Nd she's pregnant now. She's accepted it and tells me it's hard... And it's really hard at first...

Sorry if I'm ranting... It's just a lot on my mind... And I... Express myself better though writing than talking in person I don't have really anyone to talk too...

I feel lost and confused ... But I still feel beautiful . I guess knowing it doesn't make me feel the same person. I feel... Outcastes even though I know there's others out there... I seem selfish and I apologize... This is all new to me... I got caught by surprise...
smilerose smilerose
18-21
Dec 9, 2012