I Waited Over 10 Years to Tell My Wife

I have had herpes for about 20 years. I worked in the nightclubs in my 20s, and was pretty promiscuous. Actually, I would have sex with nearly any girl that was pleasant to look at and would let me. I still remember all the emotions that went through me when I had my first outbreak. I had just started dating a girl that I had liked for quite some time. I was scared, and immediately went to see a doctor. He was pretty blunt, if not rude, about the whole thing. He handed me a tube of Zovirax cream, and said I would have this my whole life. That was it.

I immediately took my girlfriend to the doctor and had her checked. She was told everything was fine, and was sent on her way. We used condoms from that point on, but neither of us had ever been told about any kind of medication or anything to treat it. I don't know if it was available back then. Anyway, at some point we both decided to go our separate ways, and she never had any symptoms.

A few years later, I met who would become my first wife. We talked about the herpes before we got married. She was OK with it, and never brought up the subject again. We were married for 6 years, and to my knowledge she never caught it. I had frequent social contact with her after for a while after we split, and it was never talked about.

My (2nd and last) wife and I just had our 9th anniversary this year, and have been together for somewhere around 12 years. I am in my early 40s, she in her late 40s. I never told her that I had herpes until about 3 weeks ago. She initially took it better than I expected, though she was disappointed that I didn't trust her enough to tell her in the beginning. She said if I had told her about it in the beginning, it wouldn't have made any difference in her decision to marry me. It's hard to say for sure if it would have really made a difference, but I believe her.

A couple of weeks ago she developed a couple of sores. She was angry beyond belief - and rightly so! She immediately scheduled a doctor appointment and had a culture and blood tests done. She got every test for every STD known to man, including AIDS. This last week has been the most miserable of my life. I can't complain about the way she has treated me, because I deserve every minute of it. However, I have thought about what I have done to her. I never gave her the choice to make the decision for herself if she was willing to take this risk. I also never started any medication because she does the bills and would know.

Today, the doctor called. The sores were nothing more than ingrown hairs or something like that. There was no trace of anything in the culture. The blood test shows that she has been exposed to herpes, but the doctor said if she is showing to have been exposed but has not had an outbreak by now, she probably won't. She will only carry the virus. We have spoken, and she is now OK with the status of things, and we will work on repairing our relationship. I will also continue on the Valtrex I started last week.

MORAL: Be open and honest FROM THE BEGINNING. I don't necessarily mean on the first date, but at the point that you think things may progress beyond the friendship stage. You need to give the other person the opportunity to make that choice on their own. We, as a community of people  exposed to this virus, need to do all we can to stop the spread of it, and not allow others to go through the devastation and heartbreak that we did.

justme998 justme998
23 Responses Oct 7, 2008

Having herpes is not the end of the world. don’t give up on your Faith. believe love will come in due time. I believe that love is out there for everyone and they will love you because you love yourself the way you are.
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I just found out I have herpes also. Both types. Oral and genital. But I have never had a breakout. I have been married for 18 years and have always been a faithful wife. I am in my late 50's.

I have never been promiscuous, but my husband in his younger years was very promiscuous. He had more sexual partners than he can remember. I have not told him about my test results yet because I am very angry at him and am holding it inside. The doctor did a lot of different type of blood work on me because I am getting ready to have shoulder replacement surgery and spinal surgery, and t his is just a test the VA did because they are outsourcing my surgery..

I remember years ago, my husband kept having "hemorrhoid attacks" all the time. They were extremely painful and he used cream for it for years. It never crossed my mind that he had herpes and it is not something he ever mentioned or insinuated to me of even being a possibility.

I have known for about a week now and every time I look at him, I feel hate in my heart for a man I have loved for two decades. I don't know how to get past this.

I know I will have to eventually tell him, but for now, I just haven't said anything.He keep asking me "What's wrong" and I say to him that nothing is wrong.I am so confused. If I was younger, I would leave him.

I read it is, or can be spread, by skin to skin contact. I have a new grand-baby and I am afraid to go to my daughters and hold this new baby. The thought has crossed my mind to disappear from my family's life to avoid infecting them and never telling them. Just move away and disappear somewhere..

I know if I tell my son and my daughter, they will never allow me around their children again for fear of spreading it. I KNOW this, because I know them. And myself, it would kill me if I gave it to them by kissing their little faces.

This has changed my life and I just don't know what to do. I do know I am going to have the doctor do a second test and on this second test, I want numbers. The first tests were both positive for both types 1 and 2, but it did not display any numbers. It just Positive on both test.

Life sucks and it has changed as I once knew it. I am alone in this except for these sharing forums. I have a feeling me and forums are going to become best friends.


I know this is a very difficult time for you and wondering how r u coming along? Easier said than done, but with all the strength you have, TRY to calm down a lil bit. I know itz easier said than done. But, have u seen this hemorroid cream to know if itz definitely for hemorroids? Second, I would search and search every possible hiding place in your home see if u find anything i.e meds for Herpes. Also, the numbers from Dr. Ofc. should indicate "this is not a recent exposure, did not come from your current partner." OR, "Yes, this is a recent infection." I've read quite alot of stories where the wife thought the husband infected her, but turns out husband tested negative. The wife uknowingly for MANY MANY years, had it and later infected the husband. As for your new grandbaby, I dont know if I'd worry so much. Reason being, there are many ways to hug etc. a baby without having to kiss the baby in the face etc. Can you hug your grandbaby and avoid the face, without making the avoidance look too obvious? I dont have a grandbaby right now and everyone is different, but inconvienent med condition or not....I have concerns about non parent adults kissing newborns anyway. How about kiss a part of baby's body that is clothed. That may help u feel better too? IMO, whose to say the parents aren't unknowingly longtime carriers themselves and haven't disclosed it to anyone? Children can still be born even if one or both of the parents have herpes too. Im sure naturally your mind is thinking all kinds of stuff, I'm just saying TRY to act normal around your husband until you get more information. And dont act like somethings wrong around your kids either cause they may too ask whats wrong. Hope this helped. I can imagine what your going thru. But you do have someone out here that does understand and Im here for u. U are not alone.

Getting diagnosed with Herpes can be the worst moment of your life.
However, in order to safely and confidently date with genital herpes you should definitely know a few things. www.HerpesPal.com can help you deal with and overcome any issue which genital herpes might create in your dating life. So take a deep breath. And realize taking little steps every day will help you recover and heal from this experience. And I promise, you will find happiness again.

This is exactly the story j was looking for. I have done it now and I feel like its the worst thing I have ever ever done. I waited until after the second time we had sex. I want to be forgiven. . .by myself.

My wife told me that she had Herpes after three and a half years marriage. She was keeping a secret from me for years. My wife was concerned with what other people would think of her if they knew her secret. In the end she was more concerned with her reputation than what I had a right to know. She was more concerned with her image than my health as I have herpes now. How does a person have such selfish motives driven by fear and humiliation the very fear, humiliation and fear of rejection is exactly what I've been forced to live with because of her choice. Integrity is doing the right thing. None of that. Honesty...it's more like deception and manipulation. How can you trust a person that never trusted me? How can you believe after years of deception? So selfish. No matter who we are marriage calls for honesty. Openness. Trust. Integrity. Respect. All of which seem to be character flaws of the above mentioned blog and my wife. There are laws against this very thing. How can a person have a chance to accept us as we are if we are to afraid to be ourselves? The feelings they hide from are the feelings others must face because they cant? So narcissistic. Selfish. Disgusting. Not the virus but the character flaws it exposes. No wonder so many have it. No virtue. No character. No dignity. No sense of right and wrong.

I STRONGLY AGREE W/ U!!! I really hate that you had to experience this the WAY u did. My reading your story reminds me that I have ALWAYS did the right thing IN ADVANCE of ANY intimacy whatsoever. And, I will continue to do so. After the shock, mind racing and everything else that goes on with finding out, I researched educated myself about it and knew I had to use my head. IF I trust the person enough n comfortable enough to even think about getting close i.e before even a simple kiss...I know I have to have that convo. I simply say "I owe it to you and the type of person I am....itz only right and fair to u to tell u that I have been exposed." Itz not deadly, I'm not dying...u wont die, it has a stigma associated with it that is waaay worse than anything I've ever experienced....I dont get symptoms, I cant even tell itz there....itz not HIV, but it DOES start with an H." Then they will usually say "what is it?...Herpes? They we start sex education talk n about it. My conscience is clear and up to them after that. I have been successful each time (2) and I've had 2 relationships so far. Relationship ended for other reasons, but not sex related. I will tell everyone that it is VERY VERY important to use protection in this condition tho. Because it is MUCH MUCH EASIER to contract HIV in this condition. It is your life and never ever be hesitant to ask one for recent HIV results. When we think about it, we should really consider this condition a BLESSING!

Hey there. I really appreciate your story. I am 33 years old and have been living with herpes since I was about 15. There were guys that I told from the very beginning and the there were guys that I didn't say anything until after wew were intimate. Just yesterday I told the guy I've been seeing for only a couple weeks that I have herpes AFTER we had sex for the first time. We used a condom but he did give me oral sex. He was clearly not happy but he could've reacted worse. I haven't spoke to him since last night. I feel awful. Dirty. I feel like I'm a bad person. Embarrassed. And we work together. I didn't even go to work today. I woke up this morning with so much anxiety. I couldn't even get out of bed. I wanted to tell him but I didn't know when to. Everything just moved so fast sexually. I knew I shouldn't have been dealing with him anyway because he is married. I tried to end it with him but he kept pursuing me. Telling me how much he cared about me, how wr crazy about me. He even told me he loved me. Deep down I knew it was all bullshit. He told me he wasn't in love with his wife anymore but to be patient with him and undetstanding. I guess I was gullable. It moved to fast for me to tell him. I needed to know that I could trust him and that he genuinely cared about me like he said he did. The chemistry was so strong I couldn't resist him. So we had sex. Afterward I felt so bad. I just felt like I had to tell him. It took me a long time but It finally came out. I just don't know what to do. I didn't reach out to him yet. I really want to know what's going through his head. I'm so disgusted with myself. Should I wait for him to reach out? Or should I check up on him? I can't blame him for how he's feeling. He said he needs to do research on it. I know it's not going to work with us. I knew it before this just because he is married. Especially after me telling him this, I know it's over. The crazy part about it is that he wasn't honest with me about his marriage. At first he told me he's been separated for two years and he has his own place. Upon further investigating, I found out he's not separated and still living at home! He wasn't even going to tell me. I'm not justifying my actions but its like dang he wasnt honest with me. I'm so lost..

Hi MissLF,
I feel your pain and distress. I too am 33 yr old and have had HSV2 since I was 17. Over the past 15 or so years I have struggled with disclosure. Who do I tell? When do I tell? Should I tell even though I am on meds and haven't had an outbreak in 6 years? Do I tell if I know this is a one time sex kind of deal? So any who, I have told most of my sexual partners. And to be honest many times after the relationship I end up wishing I had not told them because a)they did not get it and b) now they know my deepest secret. I fear the fact that someone now has that very personal information about me. I do realize that morally we should disclose before any sexual contact but realistically this may not happen 100% of the time. And then we have to deal with the guilt and worry. I am commenting just to tell you that you are not alone, I have gotten myself into similar situations and really had some psychological repercussions. Even after 15 yrs it is so hard to accept and disclose. It's constant rationalizing on my part and I literally drive myself crazy. I go back and forward even though I know the ultimate right thing to do. I hope that everything turned out ok for you. The guy sounds like a douche anyway. He is married and cheating and lying to both of you. Hopefully one day we will finally meet the right man and tell him up front as we so often plan to do and that will be the end of our dating dilemmas.

There's nothing you can do about what's already been done, but you can change what happens in the future. I'm not trying to beat up on you, I'm just one that keeps it real. U already said you feel bad, and you definitely should. Him lying was bad, absolutely. But I dont know that lying has the the equivalent effects and regular discomfort of herpes. That was sooo unfair.
AGAIN! How would u feel if the situation was vice versa and u sucked some syphillis into your mouth and down your throat? I wouldnt want someone to knowingly do that to me. Oh, and what happens if he decides to press charges for knowingly and willingly transmitting an incurable STD? Then you have to take off your job to go to court? I BELIEVE court records are public information? I'm sorry Im so blunt. Itz just that we're all in this....letz do the right think o.k? Hope this helped provoke deeper thought going forward. Do pray for forgiveness, n Best Wishes.

Hi there! Let's cure your herpes! Just follow our 3 simple steps and you will be cured! Go to oneminuteherpescure(.)com , i will tell you the only treatment that finally eliminates the real cause of herpes.

That does not work.

dont want to turn this into a debate over whether viradux is real or not. I just know I used it and my herpes cleared so I have no doubt. They are clear at the company site that it does not work for everyone, but for $30 bucks or so you can try it and find out.

Did it just "clear" or did it "CURE"??

I had mess up several possible relationship by telling them after I have intimacy to them that now I know telling ppl ahead is the right way doesn't matter how worry or upset will b if they leave u by this.
I told one last night, I appriciate he wants to stay friends with me and not judging me nor angry at me. He understood my difficulty.
I feel bad that I didn't tell him right at the begining that I may loose the possibility between he and I. I really care for him and think him an amazing person but too bad, now there may be friendship left only. :/

Not working... just type it in 8-)

Whoops try this:

[link:www.viradux.com|Viradux-AU Company Website]

here is an actual link... thanks 8-)

Viradux Website

This is the second site I've seen you on promoting this product! What kind of commission are you making? When your on more than one website where people are feeling vulnerable and pouring their hearts out and here you come again with your Viradux cure I can only call bullshit on you Sir!

not a scam. I had herpes. I tried viradux au. my herpes are gone.

you have a right to your opinion but you might be preventing people from finding relief from this horrible disease.... it's that simple maritzad83

Not to give unwanted advice, but you and anyone you have had contact with should look into Viradux-AU. There are very important treatment breakthoughs that you can read about at their site: www.viradux.com

I don't work for them, just hope this helps.

I just told the guy I dated for 3 monthes, he freaks out and not talking w/ me now even I know I didn't give it to him.
U're right, honest is the best. I really try to tell him as earliest I could but still too late for him.
I didnt' tell him till we had several sex already, I really didn't mean it, it just hard to say it out.
Esp. u dont' know who to trust, u can't tell anyone u meet.
I really try...I'm 28 I dont' know will I be able to meet someone can accept me as who I am.

Just a lil advice, Im really really trying to help from my heart. I'll tell anybody, itz not WHAT u do, but HOW u do it. Sometimes we bring things on ourselves. And, therefore, self induced stress, and sadness follows. We do have more power than we actually realize to PREVENT certain situations. If we change our thought process to think "this convo may be the hardest thing I ever had to do....but, the BEST thing I ever had to do for myself." I PROMISE u, a man is more understanding than we realize when we do things THE RIGHT WAY. Chances are great that he will respect you for life just for being honest. Two good things will happen. You're being very thoughtful of him...his health and life and yours at same time. We really really have to find a way to have this convo IN ADVANCE. I will say when u meet A REAL MAN, and I repeat REAL MAN, he will open to listen, and learn. In learning he will also learn that millions of people have it, but just dont know it. A Herpes test is not part of a routine annual medical exam. The test has to be requested unless a Doctor feels there's a reason that he will suggest you be tested for it. It is well known that more ppl than not, will only go to a Doctor if they suspect something is wrong. I myself, didnt have any symptoms what so ever, but simply asked for the test. Im not a T.V person so I love researching a lil bit of everything, mostly travel, etc. But it just so happened that I stumbled across something that said "all STD testing is not done as part of a woman's routine annual exam....certain tests have to be REQUESTED." I thought hmmm I've never been tested for that, so I might as well since I do have good health insurance. Thatz when I found out. While not happy about the results, but I thought "think positive and learn more." So thatz what I did. I learned that MY LIFE IS NOT OVER :)) A very good thing is "at least I didnt receive a dwath sentence." And, now I know itz much much easier to contact HIV with this so.....I proceed with SERIOUS CAUTION. I live happily and travel the world when I find a great flight deal :)) Again, LIFE IS SO NOT OVER. Now one may ask "how do u get this convo going?" Well, we all know how quick we CAN end up in the bed. We are all human. So I proceed with SERIOUS CAUTION. I've learned a quick way to wed out the IMMATURE :) When I can tell a guy is ready to go straight for the sex that's my greenlight to gave that convo. I say "ur a nice guy and everything, n dont get me wrong, but I dont play with my life....I have to think about me and my family who loves me back, so I require HIV and all STD testing FIRST since mistakes can happen even when protected." Most x's I hear "I never had a chick ask me to do that." O.k... So...first time for some things? :))) So, they either back up and/or never hear from them again :))) PREVENTION IS KEY. I can show him a recent negative HIV test, so why cant he??? So, if he's not mature enough to be willing to do it, he obviously dosent know or maybe dosent even want to know his status. I also wonder does he even care about his life or just "his HEAD" lol. For me I want to live and see more of the world. Again, it is my life and Im willing to show and disclose my science and he wont? Even if I wasnt in this situation, itz still a good lifesaving thing to start doing. For me, I'd love for a guy to ask me for recent testing and his ask if there's anything I'd like to disclose. I'd be impressed like never before. I'd simply say "yes I tested postive HSV 1 AND HSV2, I've never had any symptoms, but my Doctor said " I was exposed." "And, I respect myself and you, the bloodwork came back positive." So, ladies PLEASE FIND A WAY TO HAVE THIS CONVO...PLS PLS PLS. U MAY SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND MANY OTHERS TOO IN THE PROCESS. Dont be desperate like you cant be alone. There's other was to get SAFELY satisfied until you meet the right one. A REAL MAN THAT IS. I've read stories about MANY women who disclosed. Those REAL MEN respected her honesty, loved her, married her AND had children and live happy. So just be selective about who is mature enough to have a sensitive conversation with :)) U will know. Just go slow and you will quickly find out. Test him out little by little and dont get in bed with him so fast. And always remember (herpes or not) when a man shows his *** down the road....many of the signs were there in the beginning but we ignored it.

I had herpes for almost a year now and during that time also I have tried several things. I did a search and I found the web site of HSV-Zero Product. Can control the outbreak, the important thing is to give a sense of relief from the pain itself. It's really a treat.

There is no cure for herpes at this point in time, so I have an issue with people saying that taking a medication will cure it.<br />
<br />
Also, there is no such thing as being a carrier of herpes. You either have it or you don't. Some people have outbreaks, but most do not.

Why take valtrex at this point? The wife has herpes, so unless you have lots of outbreaks, there is no reason to bother with the medication.

Cultures to detect herpes are notorious for false negative results, especially if sores are swabbed more than 48 hours after first appearing. The fact that she tested positive for HSV antibodies in her blood, and had genital sores, strongly indicates she contracted herpes from you. It sounds like she had a very mild outbreak, though. Hopefully she won't have another, or if she does, they will be mild.

You should speak to your doctor about valtrex. I was on it and came off of it years ago because taking it on a daily basis does not allow your body to fight the virus. My doctor advised that i take Valtrex twice a day for three days when I notice the first sign of an outbreak. Hope this helps.

Cold sores are type 1 and genital sores are type 2 in most cases. They are 50% similar in DNA however type 1 is the cause of genital herpes in 30% of cases. Because type 1 resides in the ear and type 2 in the ba<x>se of the spine you will generally not get the repeat outbreaks in the genital area as much as you would with the type 2. Both can be cured with a treatment of Herpaflor <br />
which contains Lysine and other herpes busting ingredients<br />

There is no cure for herpes!

Youre story moved me sir. The fact you were able to have a wife at all is a miracle to me.

I agree with it.
I think girls are easier to be touched.
I dont' even know who would like to date me.

Wow...what a great story