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I Waited Over 10 Years to Tell My Wife

I have had herpes for about 20 years. I worked in the nightclubs in my 20s, and was pretty promiscuous. Actually, I would have sex with nearly any girl that was pleasant to look at and would let me. I still remember all the emotions that went through me when I had my first outbreak. I had just started dating a girl that I had liked for quite some time. I was scared, and immediately went to see a doctor. He was pretty blunt, if not rude, about the whole thing. He handed me a tube of Zovirax cream, and said I would have this my whole life. That was it.

I immediately took my girlfriend to the doctor and had her checked. She was told everything was fine, and was sent on her way. We used condoms from that point on, but neither of us had ever been told about any kind of medication or anything to treat it. I don't know if it was available back then. Anyway, at some point we both decided to go our separate ways, and she never had any symptoms.

A few years later, I met who would become my first wife. We talked about the herpes before we got married. She was OK with it, and never brought up the subject again. We were married for 6 years, and to my knowledge she never caught it. I had frequent social contact with her after for a while after we split, and it was never talked about.

My (2nd and last) wife and I just had our 9th anniversary this year, and have been together for somewhere around 12 years. I am in my early 40s, she in her late 40s. I never told her that I had herpes until about 3 weeks ago. She initially took it better than I expected, though she was disappointed that I didn't trust her enough to tell her in the beginning. She said if I had told her about it in the beginning, it wouldn't have made any difference in her decision to marry me. It's hard to say for sure if it would have really made a difference, but I believe her.

A couple of weeks ago she developed a couple of sores. She was angry beyond belief - and rightly so! She immediately scheduled a doctor appointment and had a culture and blood tests done. She got every test for every STD known to man, including AIDS. This last week has been the most miserable of my life. I can't complain about the way she has treated me, because I deserve every minute of it. However, I have thought about what I have done to her. I never gave her the choice to make the decision for herself if she was willing to take this risk. I also never started any medication because she does the bills and would know.

Today, the doctor called. The sores were nothing more than ingrown hairs or something like that. There was no trace of anything in the culture. The blood test shows that she has been exposed to herpes, but the doctor said if she is showing to have been exposed but has not had an outbreak by now, she probably won't. She will only carry the virus. We have spoken, and she is now OK with the status of things, and we will work on repairing our relationship. I will also continue on the Valtrex I started last week.

MORAL: Be open and honest FROM THE BEGINNING. I don't necessarily mean on the first date, but at the point that you think things may progress beyond the friendship stage. You need to give the other person the opportunity to make that choice on their own. We, as a community of people  exposed to this virus, need to do all we can to stop the spread of it, and not allow others to go through the devastation and heartbreak that we did.

justme998 justme998 41-45 21 Responses Oct 7, 2008

Your Response


Getting diagnosed with Herpes can be the worst moment of your life.
However, in order to safely and confidently date with genital herpes you should definitely know a few things. can help you deal with and overcome any issue which genital herpes might create in your dating life. So take a deep breath. And realize taking little steps every day will help you recover and heal from this experience. And I promise, you will find happiness again.

This is exactly the story j was looking for. I have done it now and I feel like its the worst thing I have ever ever done. I waited until after the second time we had sex. I want to be forgiven. . .by myself.

My wife told me that she had Herpes after three and a half years marriage. She was keeping a secret from me for years. My wife was concerned with what other people would think of her if they knew her secret. In the end she was more concerned with her reputation than what I had a right to know. She was more concerned with her image than my health as I have herpes now. How does a person have such selfish motives driven by fear and humiliation the very fear, humiliation and fear of rejection is exactly what I've been forced to live with because of her choice. Integrity is doing the right thing. None of that.'s more like deception and manipulation. How can you trust a person that never trusted me? How can you believe after years of deception? So selfish. No matter who we are marriage calls for honesty. Openness. Trust. Integrity. Respect. All of which seem to be character flaws of the above mentioned blog and my wife. There are laws against this very thing. How can a person have a chance to accept us as we are if we are to afraid to be ourselves? The feelings they hide from are the feelings others must face because they cant? So narcissistic. Selfish. Disgusting. Not the virus but the character flaws it exposes. No wonder so many have it. No virtue. No character. No dignity. No sense of right and wrong.

Hey there. I really appreciate your story. I am 33 years old and have been living with herpes since I was about 15. There were guys that I told from the very beginning and the there were guys that I didn't say anything until after wew were intimate. Just yesterday I told the guy I've been seeing for only a couple weeks that I have herpes AFTER we had sex for the first time. We used a condom but he did give me oral sex. He was clearly not happy but he could've reacted worse. I haven't spoke to him since last night. I feel awful. Dirty. I feel like I'm a bad person. Embarrassed. And we work together. I didn't even go to work today. I woke up this morning with so much anxiety. I couldn't even get out of bed. I wanted to tell him but I didn't know when to. Everything just moved so fast sexually. I knew I shouldn't have been dealing with him anyway because he is married. I tried to end it with him but he kept pursuing me. Telling me how much he cared about me, how wr crazy about me. He even told me he loved me. Deep down I knew it was all bullshit. He told me he wasn't in love with his wife anymore but to be patient with him and undetstanding. I guess I was gullable. It moved to fast for me to tell him. I needed to know that I could trust him and that he genuinely cared about me like he said he did. The chemistry was so strong I couldn't resist him. So we had sex. Afterward I felt so bad. I just felt like I had to tell him. It took me a long time but It finally came out. I just don't know what to do. I didn't reach out to him yet. I really want to know what's going through his head. I'm so disgusted with myself. Should I wait for him to reach out? Or should I check up on him? I can't blame him for how he's feeling. He said he needs to do research on it. I know it's not going to work with us. I knew it before this just because he is married. Especially after me telling him this, I know it's over. The crazy part about it is that he wasn't honest with me about his marriage. At first he told me he's been separated for two years and he has his own place. Upon further investigating, I found out he's not separated and still living at home! He wasn't even going to tell me. I'm not justifying my actions but its like dang he wasnt honest with me. I'm so lost..

Hi MissLF,
I feel your pain and distress. I too am 33 yr old and have had HSV2 since I was 17. Over the past 15 or so years I have struggled with disclosure. Who do I tell? When do I tell? Should I tell even though I am on meds and haven't had an outbreak in 6 years? Do I tell if I know this is a one time sex kind of deal? So any who, I have told most of my sexual partners. And to be honest many times after the relationship I end up wishing I had not told them because a)they did not get it and b) now they know my deepest secret. I fear the fact that someone now has that very personal information about me. I do realize that morally we should disclose before any sexual contact but realistically this may not happen 100% of the time. And then we have to deal with the guilt and worry. I am commenting just to tell you that you are not alone, I have gotten myself into similar situations and really had some psychological repercussions. Even after 15 yrs it is so hard to accept and disclose. It's constant rationalizing on my part and I literally drive myself crazy. I go back and forward even though I know the ultimate right thing to do. I hope that everything turned out ok for you. The guy sounds like a douche anyway. He is married and cheating and lying to both of you. Hopefully one day we will finally meet the right man and tell him up front as we so often plan to do and that will be the end of our dating dilemmas.

Hi there! Let's cure your herpes! Just follow our 3 simple steps and you will be cured! Go to oneminuteherpescure(.)com , i will tell you the only treatment that finally eliminates the real cause of herpes.

That does not work.

dont want to turn this into a debate over whether viradux is real or not. I just know I used it and my herpes cleared so I have no doubt. They are clear at the company site that it does not work for everyone, but for $30 bucks or so you can try it and find out.

I had mess up several possible relationship by telling them after I have intimacy to them that now I know telling ppl ahead is the right way doesn't matter how worry or upset will b if they leave u by this.
I told one last night, I appriciate he wants to stay friends with me and not judging me nor angry at me. He understood my difficulty.
I feel bad that I didn't tell him right at the begining that I may loose the possibility between he and I. I really care for him and think him an amazing person but too bad, now there may be friendship left only. :/

Not working... just type it in 8-)

Whoops try this:

[|Viradux-AU Company Website]

here is an actual link... thanks 8-)

Viradux Website

This is the second site I've seen you on promoting this product! What kind of commission are you making? When your on more than one website where people are feeling vulnerable and pouring their hearts out and here you come again with your Viradux cure I can only call bullshit on you Sir!

not a scam. I had herpes. I tried viradux au. my herpes are gone.

you have a right to your opinion but you might be preventing people from finding relief from this horrible disease.... it's that simple maritzad83

Not to give unwanted advice, but you and anyone you have had contact with should look into Viradux-AU. There are very important treatment breakthoughs that you can read about at their site:

I don't work for them, just hope this helps.

I just told the guy I dated for 3 monthes, he freaks out and not talking w/ me now even I know I didn't give it to him.
U're right, honest is the best. I really try to tell him as earliest I could but still too late for him.
I didnt' tell him till we had several sex already, I really didn't mean it, it just hard to say it out.
Esp. u dont' know who to trust, u can't tell anyone u meet.
I really try...I'm 28 I dont' know will I be able to meet someone can accept me as who I am.

I had herpes for almost a year now and during that time also I have tried several things. I did a search and I found the web site of HSV-Zero Product. Can control the outbreak, the important thing is to give a sense of relief from the pain itself. It's really a treat.

Getting diagnosed with Herpes can be the worst moment of your life.
However, in order to safely and confidently date with genital herpes you should definitely know a few things. can help you deal with and overcome any issue which genital herpes might create in your dating life. So take a deep breath. And realize taking little steps every day will help you recover and heal from this experience. And I promise, you will find happiness again.

There is no cure for herpes at this point in time, so I have an issue with people saying that taking a medication will cure it.<br />
<br />
Also, there is no such thing as being a carrier of herpes. You either have it or you don't. Some people have outbreaks, but most do not.

Why take valtrex at this point? The wife has herpes, so unless you have lots of outbreaks, there is no reason to bother with the medication.

Cultures to detect herpes are notorious for false negative results, especially if sores are swabbed more than 48 hours after first appearing. The fact that she tested positive for HSV antibodies in her blood, and had genital sores, strongly indicates she contracted herpes from you. It sounds like she had a very mild outbreak, though. Hopefully she won't have another, or if she does, they will be mild.

You should speak to your doctor about valtrex. I was on it and came off of it years ago because taking it on a daily basis does not allow your body to fight the virus. My doctor advised that i take Valtrex twice a day for three days when I notice the first sign of an outbreak. Hope this helps.

Cold sores are type 1 and genital sores are type 2 in most cases. They are 50% similar in DNA however type 1 is the cause of genital herpes in 30% of cases. Because type 1 resides in the ear and type 2 in the ba<x>se of the spine you will generally not get the repeat outbreaks in the genital area as much as you would with the type 2. Both can be cured with a treatment of Herpaflor <br />
which contains Lysine and other herpes busting ingredients<br />

There is no cure for herpes!

Youre story moved me sir. The fact you were able to have a wife at all is a miracle to me.

I agree with it.
I think girls are easier to be touched.
I dont' even know who would like to date me.

Wow...what a great story