My Personal Space

I wanted this site to be my space. The only place in the world, I could come and be myself. I wanted to be able to write the things I was feeling and not have to say them to him. I didn't want to have my feelings shared with him because I do not trust him. I don't trust any one really. An online group was 10 times more trustworthy than the man I married on a spur of the moment stupidity day.
I did however, get caught trying to type back to a comment after he went to sleep. Needless to say he is not happy. He thinks I have betrayed his trust. He said it "looks bad" that I would rather be here than in the bed cuddling with his cheating behind. I don't feel that. I feel like this gives me a piece of freedom every time I get on here. If it's telling my story, or answering someone else. I feel myself slowly feeling better.
I can't open up with people I see on a daily basis. I am not the kind of feeling sharing person. I am programmed to hold it in and just take it. I think that is another reason, I didn't want to share I was on this site. I have an easy release and no one staring at me as though I failed.
My entire life has been to not show fear, tears, or happiness. I am now finding myself staring in the mirror and I am not able to tell what it is I am feeling. I am confused on where my love lies, and also where my life has been or is going. It seems like everything is just falling in around me, and this again is nothing I am willing to share with him. He would only begin to worry this meant I was leaving him. At this point I want to keep all those feeling hidden inside of me.
POMomma POMomma
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 28, 2012

I'm sorry you feel so alone. I have been there. Hope it all works out! xo

Sometimes it's ok to hold it in. I use to do that but now I can express myself better. Hope it gets better for you.

Thank you. It seems like a pointless act to me. I am more of a reason type person. I can't find a good reason to let it out so, I don't. But it is something I am working on with the therapist. Hopefully it will get better.