I Have Suffered For 25+ Years And Never Knew What It Was, Until Today.Just today I noticed a thread on another website about having abscesses under their arms and someone told them to look into Hidradenitis Suppurativa. Much to my surprise, this is the disease I have suffered from for all these years. Not one doctor in my life has ever even tried to diagnose it and I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I wouldn't ask or go to a dermatologist. Lets go back to the beginning of the story.
When I started Junior High I didn't ride a bus because it was close enough to walk, about 3/4 mile. I was always heavier than I should have been, but being an only child of a mother who never wanted me and a father that worked excessively to avoid his wife, it was easy for me to eat my feelings. When having to walk back and forth to school I began noticing my inner thighs would rub together and burn like white hot fire. Soon the dark blistery boils began to appear on the inner thighs.
I didn't tell a soul. I was bullied relentlessly for my weight, so this just added to my non existent self-esteem. One summer I went to stay with my grandparents and they put me into swimming lessons. Of course when you are nine or ten it's hard to explain why you don't want to wear a bathing suit. My grandfather noticed one of my "sores" on my inner thigh and asked about it. I was mortified! He insisted on having my grandmother look at it, as she was a nurse. I refused to show her and from that day forward I made sure I was ALWAYS covered and no one see what I was hiding.
The areas of my body effected range from under my arms, my inner thighs, my buttocks, my breasts, to now my lower stomach. If I had to guess how many sores I have had over my lifetime, it would be in the thousands. I currently experienced my worst one and it was about the size of a golf ball before draining. It left a cavity about an inch deep to heal from the inside out. It is finally healed enough to have a healthy scab.
I refuse to walk around naked in front of my husband. Unfortunately I am usually intoxicated by one substance or another for me to let loose enough to be intimate. I suffer from depression and anxiety to the point of never wanting to leave my bed let alone leaving the house. Living day to day with HS is miserable. I too have considered taking my life and even had a plan at one point in my life, but I am afraid of what it would do to my children and husband. So instead of putting them through the hell of losing me, I live through hell to be here with them.
I am still trying to absorb the fact that this miserable and debilitating condition has a name and I didn't know for all these years. I just thought I was dirty, being punished, or just on this earth to suffer. Now, the more I read, it would seem there will never be a way of getting rid of it. The thought of having to live the rest of my life with HS is quite depressing. I would greatly appreciate the chance to talk with other people like me.
Oregoncoaster 36-40, F 1 Response 0 Jan 22, 2013