I Have No Shame

This is from my blog. If you like this story you should check out my blog at brutallyhonest81.blogspot.com

I’m sharing this story out of pure entertainment. I’m not proud of it. My husband seems to find this one of the funniest things I’ve ever told him. So, here we go…

The summer before my senior year of high school, my mom kicked me out of her house. Having almost no other option, I moved in my dad and his wife(who I swear hates me and plans my demise on a weekly basis). BUT the worst part of living with him was living in a different town and switching schools. Just imagine, I had to move schools my senior year and leave the only friends I had ever known.
School started and it was everything I imagined. Besides a few people who were nice to me (the twins) I was pretty much invisible. The twins and I worked together at the local grocery store and they always invited me to go out with them on weekends. So for me, I couldn’t be happier for an opportunity to try to make friends and go party.

One night we went to a party that was mostly made up of other kids from school. Like most parties I went to at that age, I was there to get drunk. Let me make that clear, my main goal was to get D-R-U-N-K. Lucky for me, I succeeded that night and what happened still haunts me to this day.

I start talking to one of the guys that I had noticed around school. He was cute and the more I talked to him, the more I liked him. Well, one thing leads to another and before I know it I am in his car on the way to his house to “hang out.” We get to his house and quietly make our way to his bedroom. Sitting on his bed, things start getting hot and heavy…. Being somewhat in my right mind I tell him we’re not going to have sex and it would be a good idea to take me home. His 17 year-old hormones had other things in mind and he talks me into giving him a blow job (like I said, these are not my prouder moments.) I concede and realize I have gum in my mouth that is making this process a little difficult. The sober side of me looked for a trash can but the drunk side took over and said “put it on his stomach and save it for later.” Drunk me tends to be resourceful.

Only a few short minutes later (I have mad skills) we are in his car and he is taking me home. The drive wasn’t too far and at this point I was just ready to pass out in my bed. He kissed me goodnight but had a very strange look on his face when I got out of the car and told him bye.

The next morning I woke up hung over. Bad hung-over! The kind where you’re still a little bit shitfaced from the night before and only get out of bed to pee because you can't stand it anymore. Walking by the bathroom mirror I noticed something off. After doing a double take I see that I have a gum on my head. Not just stuck to my head. No. I had a wad of gum deeply imbedded at the base of my hairline at the top of my forehead that is making the hair stick in directions I didn’t even know possible. Panic set in and all I can think is "how the hell am I gonna get this out!" Ironically, how it got there was not even a thought in my mind. I just needed it out. Not knowing what to do, I walk to the living room where my step-mom is sitting. She takes one look at me and says “what the hell is wrong with your head?”
After a few minutes of her just sitting there staring at me, she goes to the kitchen for the peanut butter. By this point I’ve sobered up a little and all I can think is “what the **** is she gonna do with peanut butter? I need scissors!” So I’m laying on the couch with my step mother scooping handfuls of peanut butter out of the jar and onto my head when she asks how it got there. And bam, it hits me!! I replayed the entire evening in my head and finally put the pieces together. Not wanting to give her details and really not even wanting to think about it, my only response was “I guess I passed out with gum in my mouth last night.” Shame and embarrassment set in. That’s when I realized that “dumb, drunk, resourceful me” just ****** up any chance I had at making friends or having a boyfriend at this new school.

It took somewhere around an hour for her to get every last scrap of gum out and that was the longest hour of my life. At some point I considered dropping out of school just so I wouldn’t have to go back and face the guy who drove me home and kissed me goodnight with a piece of gum stuck in my hair.

I would just like to point out that peanut butter, does in fact, get gum out of hair miraculously! If I remember correctly, it took about a week before I could go a day without smelling peanuts. Secondly, I did go back to school that next Monday but I layed in bed the night before planning non-violent crimes wondering if prison would be better than what I was going to have to face. More importantly, he did tell his friends and the next few days were horrible. I can only imagine them looking for me in the halls just to see if I had to shave my head just to get the gum out. Lastly, I would always think back on this story knowing my step mom could not have bought the “I guess I fell asleep with gum in my mouth” excuse. Who would? It made absolutely no sense! How the hell could someone fall asleep with gum in their mouth and it just end up deeply rooted into the hair at the top of their head? She never said a word about it after that though.

Moral of the story: Spit or swallow, but keep it away from your face! ******** and gum are a bad mix.
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4 Responses May 14, 2012

usually when I get drunk at parties, I end up giving out ******** and sleeping with two r three people. I dont see much wrong with it, its fun

This is just thoroughly the best ever

lol - what a fantastic story - thnks for sharing it

OMG LMFAO. "******** and gum don't mix!" mad respect.