Just Found Out And Don't Know How To React

I've made plenty of mistakes in my past, but I've been learning a lot about myself recently. I'm only 19 years old, and recently received it from someone and he just keeps blaming me. He doesn't ever want to talk to me again. But we live in the same building and have the same friends so it's bound to happen. If anyone has a similar story, or any words they can share with me. I really feel disgusted of myself. I really hate myself and I can't stop crying. I feel so dirty and lost. No guy will ever want me, I don't even want me. I'm so young and I thought I'd have a bright future. I just want to crumble, I want to remove everyone from my life. I don't know how to move forward. I need to go the doctor here to get colposcopy, and I'm terrified. I don't even know what that entails. I feel like I'm on my own even if plenty of people have it. Someone have anything to say?
lostindispair lostindispair
1 Response Dec 5, 2012

It will be okay. It may not seem like it now but it will get better.
I'm 18 and I got diagnosed about a year ago. I was a bit promiscuous in college, and I didn't even know about HPV until I found myself having a strange discharge and I couldnt figure out what it was. I got tested for everything and everything came back negative until I went to my mother's obgyn. My pap smear came back abnormal, and I freaked the hell out. I had to go back and inform my other partners about it and ask them to get tested-only to find out that they couldn't be tested accurately (the main test that does exist for HPV in men isnt FDA approved- gives false negatives and positives all the time). If that didnt make things worse and embarrassing, I had to tell my parents, 17 years old, first time on my own that I caught an STD, and not one that could be cured by a prescription. I've come so close to suicide so many times its not even imaginable. But I assure you, most judgement you get comes from ignorance. People do not understand how common this std is, and the social stigma that surrounds it is paralyzing, but there will always be people who love you no matter what you may have or what has happened to you in the past. Your boyfriend should come to his senses soon- he is probably still getting over the diagnosis, and probably hasn't researched everything thoroughly yet (or he just hasn't been reading the right information). It takes some time to accept for everyone.

Its been really hard and scary- I get worried every single day that I will be alone, but remind yourself of the statistics. 80% of sexually active people will get it in their lifetimes, and the majority will clear it from their systems in about two years. With HPV unless you can clearly narrow it down to one person (as in you have only had sex with one person), it is hard to find out who gave it to you. Try not to turn it into a blame game- it doesn't matter whose fault it is now that you both have it. Just work on keeping yourself healthy. You still can have a bright future! Out of all of the viruses you could contract, if taken care of, HPV isn't that bad (as crazy as that may sound). Don't feel disgusting and dirty--always remember that almost everyone around you is dealing with it (or will deal with it in their lives)- its just another ****** thing to deal with in life. And trust me, there are more disgusting things out there lol. I had a colposcopy done- its basically just a special magnifying device that your obgyn uses to look at the cells of your cervix more closely to get a better idea of how the cells are changing. I won't lie to you, it hurts more than a pap smear-my obgyn took some pieces of my cervix for biopsies-this will hurt, but if you focus your mind elsewhere and just bare with the pain it will be okay. I have heard people recommend ibuprofen right before the procedure so it will not hurt as much. Look at it this way- This is all in prevention OF cancer- the fact that we don't have cancer right now and that we can work to prevent it so effectively is amazing.
You should message me if you would like a private support system- I definitely want to start one of my own.

Very well said.

I definitely may need some support and able to vent sometimes. My name is ann. Thanks for your story. Gives me hope.