Scared But Faking Bravery

    so last year in august  i found out via phone call that i had HPV and abnormal cells on my cervix. I had a  biopsy and a colpocapy *sorry if i misspelled that* which really burned cause i was extreemly sensitive to the vinage wash they used. the doctor scared me senseless saying that the virus covered a very large area of my cervix and she couldn't see an end to the infected area near the cervix's opening which might indicate serious problems. she recommended a conization procedure if my results were serious risk or cancerous and i started freaking out because i have had only 2 partners one which i was with for 4 years and had a horrid on and off relationship and my current boyfriend of almost two years who may i add is the most likely one i contracted it from...... I had been tested the year before with a clean bill of health just before we had begun getting serious.

one year later BOOM HPV. I have always had safe sex and i had previously gotten the HPV vaccinations and still managed to get this.... I want children eventually and didn't want to have anything done to me that could  jeopardize that I suppose however i did it to myself. 

I told my current significant other   immediately after i found out  and i told him the information i learned about him being a carrier. I took the stance that we were both to blame even with clear testing results for STDs from him HPV is undetectable in men and i willingly and happily have been ******* with him like a jack rabbit ever since we first fell for each other. Really i can't resent the love of my life but i feel like i let myself down like i should have done something more, but there was nothing else i could have done except NOT have sex. We are in love and nothing changed between us after i told him but that was such a horrid phone call i was upset and he ended up leaving work so we could talk about everything. I felt like my world had just been ripped apart. but i was in tears and depressed over the whole thing and worried even after hearing my results.

the results helped the doctor determine that i have a mild case of HVP not low grade but not high grade and the cells were not cancerous but they were precancerous.... so i am still worried and feel like a time bomb and the surgical options for me may not be needed   now but might be later. The doctor  told me i must be screened every 6 months and it may go away on its own in 2 years. She also told me it usually takes 8 to 10 years for my grade to develop into cancer..... Again i am 22 i want to have kids when i am in my late 20's early 30's putting me at risk if it turns cancerous later on down the line.  unfortunately for me i will loose my insurance after i graduate from the masters program .... so while i don't want surgical treatment and it's not nessary at the moment i may have to adress it as a precaution anyway. 

This scares me. i am planning to schedule my first 6 month revisit pap exam tomorrow and i'm terrified that it may have gotten worse and equally scared that it could be just stubbornly sticking around.

My sweetheart is just that we are still happily together, we still plan to end up getting married  later down the line. He took the whole thing well but then why wouldn't he he isn't worried about anyone cutting into his ****.... *arg! He is truly supportive tho and he was sensitive towards my situation. we talked about things and even if it came to it and i couldn't have kids it would still be ok we have eachother. However i dunno how ok i would be with that i think it would be   devastating  to me to be unable to carry a child to term because of a surgical procedure like LEEP or  conization. I will cross that road if it comes to it hopefully it never will. I saw my boyfriend's step dad go threw chemo and cancer removal surgery and he just recovered after 6 months of treatments and having a feeding tube and hes just starting to gain weight. I am terrified of getting any form of cancer after watching him suffer and nearly give up before he got a clear screening. He had cancer of the throat I don't want to imagine having my insides chopped out cause i got cervical cancer from HPV that spread.

 

IM still scared but the HPV i have is being monitored and at least they caught it when there is treatment if it is needed. That doesn't make me feel better about things tho it just gives me options.

Does anyone have any success stories in this area or any advise or anything they can share with me?

I mean as supportive as my boy is he is still a man and well lets face it he had no clue he was infected and there is no way he would be able to find out and to him it doesn't matter it doesn't affect him anyway. His only concern in this matter is  if it negatively affects my health from this point in which you know im thankful he loves me and cares but he has no clue how scary it is on the other side worrying with every exam. Hoping praying and swallowing vitamin c and antioxidant pills hoping it just might boost my immune system enough to crush this evil invading virus. I mean really when i asked the doctor she said in women my age it should go away on its own after several years but sometimes it doesn't. 

 

Its a FML moment when cancer is a likely reality........ 

 

IM worried can you tell?  and as long as i have this and abnormal cells i won't just be able to forget about it. 

 

 

UPDATE !!!!

 

so i went back in my 6 months and she said it may not be gone no need to worry but then i found out i still have it its in-between low grade and mid to high grade still and still no cancer cells but they want to make sure i still dun have any abnormal cells inside the cervix so they want to do another colposcpopy and another biopsy so after i finally got them to tell me the specifics of my results i made the apt on the 13th of may for the colposcopy/ biopsy  so not thrilled i just started taking some vitamins cause she suggested it i want this to go away and not become cancerous or even cin 1 because then i will have to get a procedure done but i made up my mind not to get the conization done unless i have cancer that will spread cause it just removes so much tissue and i want kids a little down the line and conization lists miscarriage and weakened cervix as high likely hood and its just so much more of a major procedure so no if i have to get anything done later i will get Leep and i will have to still be stitched closed when i get pregnant but at least i have a difference in percentage of risk of miscarriage I want to have kids and my doctor doesn't recommend cutting into a 22 year old's cervix without a damn good reason her words thank god since the results before this she eased up on the freaking me out meter my wonderful man knows how freaked out i am and im so glad i have him while all this is still going on but at any rate im hoping for another clear result like last time so that hopefully i have more time on womans  my side im not ready for children just yet but before im 30 i plan on having a family  i turn 23 on the 15th of May two days after the biopsy  so all i want for my birthday is some good news ill let u know what happens

carrotjuice carrotjuice
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 23, 2010

please anyone have advise or any such similar experience tell me i want to hear and i want advise ! :(