You Cau Stop The Jealousy

I use to be extremely jealous. Most of my life by the way. I was treated very badly by my sisters and I was the family clown or their emotional punching bag. I always wished I could be smart in school like them, loved by my mom like they were but I never hated them. I lived in the shadow
of my mothers praise for them. Why can't you be like them she would say or you will never be anything if you don't make it in art or music.
My mother allowed my sisters to badger me because of her own mental illness.I did not have the hate jealousy until I started dating.
I was so consumed with what it felt like to have someone to care about me I became very possessive. I wanted it to be about me, me, me. I wanted to change them to be what I wanted them. One relationship after another failed with more confusion, hate, and becoming controlling.
I was becoming like my mom. Doing only what I saw growing up.
I hated myself. I would break up with my relationships when I felt I would be like her and treat a man like she did my dad.
Finally I got counseling and it saved me and I found happiness.
I learned that what you see is what you get and I had to allow a person to be themselves no matter what. If I am having to go through a lot of stress in a relationship, distrusting them, following them around, not allowing them to have some space, and if I did not feel or see a mutual respect for each other, then I am with the WRONG PERSON.
I was so desperate for love I would be any thing, jump all the hoops, march to the beat of their drum that I forgot I am important also and I don't have to be nagging, controlling, or fearful any more. I can see clearly now and I know it is hard to wait but it will worth it.I love me too now.
firstautumnmoon firstautumnmoon
61-65
Jan 20, 2013