Yes the Inner Demons.

I have fallen in love with the most wrong women for me available in the past. I don't know why I did it but I did. They all needed something.
Someone to take care of them or problems they needed help to overcome.
I have always been a sucker for someone in need I guess.

These relationships resulted in myself going through some very intense hurt and aggravation of which I will spare you the details.
One sided love was the result every time and after all was said and done I have come to have serious trust issues.

Inner demons if you will. They cause red flags to appear from nowhere and the resulting feelings are somewhat overwhelming at times, causing me to jump quickly to conclusions even though my brain tells me it is wrong. The only way to really explain such issues is that there are inner demons who are always looking for something that could possibly be a red flag. This makes me a very hard person to get close to..

I am sure it will be hard on anyone who tries.
Most of the time I am fine but when the demons start pointing I become someone else until my heart and brain fine a way to make me see the light.  So I will take this moment to apologize to anyone who tries to get close to me. I will not be easy to understand.
BlueGeorgia BlueGeorgia
41-45, M
17 Responses Jan 31, 2008

Freska I suggest you remain hidden behind walls until someone comes along that seems to good to be true.<br />
Then take some time to a little checking on them. They may just be good and true.

Because of this i will only allow people to get within a safe distance, men dont get within a mile! It's a shame because im always on the lookout for any words or actions that may spell danger. Ive wrapped myself in a safe blanket and i dont know what it will take to bring me out.<br />
Ive just suffered too much from anothers destructive manipulative behaviour and i never want to go through anything like it again. I think its self preservation on speed!

I HEAR YOU.... I can relate to this more than anything ive ever read on EP. Brilliantly expressed :)

TY Journey I am here for you as well...

I am like this too, I have very thick tall walls up around me and always on the look out for those "red flags" to go up, so I understand where you comming from....<br />
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anytime you need a friend I am here too blue :) hugs

That made perfect sense to me.

Some people are like that.

That is so true but I think most can't do it all the time.<br />
But thanks for that reminder.

That is very possible. I have a lot of experience with hurtful people and when I look back to all the times when I knew something wasn't right, but just refused to see it. I hang mt head in shame because I could have shortened so much pain that was eventually gone through.<br />
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Yes if something is going on, even without the evidence I believe I would know something was happening.<br />
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The eyes do say a lot. Don't ever forget to read the eyes.

Makes total sense to me. I even deal with this with friendships. I have a friend right now who really needed me thru her really awful divorce. Now she doesn't ever call or even write an email. She may just be busy, but it still hurts me and makes me feel used and it's funny how these things are piling up in me and making it harder for me to let new people in. I don't want to be hurt anymore either. Unfortunately of late I've had the sneaking suspiscion that relationships are going to involve hurt no matter what. None of us are perfect. But I really want to find people who are there for the long haul...who really give a crap about me. Where o where to find them.<br />
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I wonder, and this is just maybe a crazy thought...if the feelings you have aren't like totally illusions but maybe like somebody who has been through the fires per se is a lot quicker to smell the smoke. Not to say bag the relationship or anything...just that you might be much quicker to notice when something is not quite right, even when you can't lay a finger on it. Is that possible?

I live with them every day.

It made sense to me. It's like seeing things that aren't there and reacting to them before I see that they are only an illusion. In the past there was not illusions. The red flags were very real and I tried not to see them then. <br />
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Now it is like I am constantly looking for them.<br />
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It is like I am trying to see it coming now before it comes. The pain I went through before has me subconsciously trying to avoid the pain again. Does that make sense?

For me it's negative thoughts....I get scared with closeness too. I feel very insecure and then I pull away sometimes from friends and stuff. I think it's about changing negative thoughts...recognizing them sooner. You can't really be in a relationship with anyone and not have them let you down sooner or later. But you have to interpret what's really a bad thing and what you're just interpreting something as a bad thing thru your negative filter. don't know if that made sense at all or if i'm just a ramblin'

TY cjewels I may take you up on that sometimes. : )

cjewls I don't lose my cool to the point of yelling and such. I just begin hurting and the walls start going up.

It is like my brain is caught off guard and by the time it gets a hold of the situation, I have already opened my mouth.<br />
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And if something doesn't help me get it under control it escalates out of control. These are the worst of times for me.<br />
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I have only had that happen once in several years and it could have been a lot worse. I hate this about myself.

I don't think you'll be that bad...