Is This What It's Like When Your Dreams Are Lost

I am twenty-four years old and realizing that I am halfway through my twenties to thirty. My boyfriend is twenty-six and he feels the same way. It is fast approaching. I went to college at seventeen and graduated at age twenty-one. I never got the great job that I thought I would get. I have held several different minimum wage and part-time jobs over the past two years. Right now I work at a tanning salon.

My dreams were always full of becoming an actress or a writer, a singer or a dancer. When I was young my teacher told my parents I should consider something more realistic. I have always fallen back on writing when I feel confused and try to find some comfort or answers. I've never been religious and don't believe a whole lot of the Bible. I try to live everyday in the moment and use it as another day to make something more for myself. I still sing and play keyboard, and pretend to act. I have a YouTube channel that gets hits, but never has soared to a million hits on one sole video. Most of them don't even get seen by a thousand people.

All I've wanted was to be recognized for doing something great or unique. I know there are a lot of people who admire me or take inspiration from what I do. But I have never felt like I had a true place anywhere. I lived in Ohio growing up, but now I moved to Florida. My dad is letting us rent from him for cheap while my boyfriend and I work and save money. But my boyfriend works at a coffee shop and every dime he makes, he has to spend it either on rent, bills, or food. It is really hard to save for us because we make hardly any money. I only work part-time. I don't even want another job because I get bored with them and cannot commit.

I guess I am still stuck in this dreamworld fantasy where I believe I can be like Selena Gomez or Taylor Swift. Maybe there's a chance I can get discovered on the internet. Maybe something will get me out of here and fly me to LA so I can go to auditions and get into a movie. Or maybe there is nothing.

My friends all have things going for them, but I don't know how much of it is also just as much a fantasy as how I make myself out to be. Facebook allows you to create your own business pages and showcase what you do. They get thousands of likes and I am still in the lower ranks that fall below 50 likes. It doesn't matter, I know.

I'm pretty, people compliment my pictures, I am pretty smart. I have always suffered from mild depression so I smoke. It helps me be creative and puts me in a good mood. I like to exercise and shop, but I always feel like I am not doing enough. I always feel like something is missing.

I used to party a lot in college, and everyone knew who I was. I just hope that was not my social peak because that was the one time in my life where I felt like I was important and one of a kind. Once I graduated, it's been nothing but doors in my face, except for the few people who have given me a job to do.

I never had a boyfriend until a year ago when I met my first long term boyfriend. We have been together for over a year now and he is great. He also feels like his life is slipping away. All he wants to be is a comedian. All I want to be is a musician. Why is life so hard to be what we dream?
DreamerJade DreamerJade
1 Response Jan 16, 2012

That is not possible when money and the job market and parents and everybody have control over you. As much as you want to think you're free or as much as you can accept your life for what it is, none of us can control anything and that is the truth.