My Calling Rendering Me Insomniac!!

Since dad's passing, I've had some harsh realizations. Life in itself is nothing but a mere journey. All of us are travellers who co-incidentally happen to just bump across each other. With some, the journey is brief, with a lot of others it is even briefer. The only real destination is either the funeral pyre on which we are burnt to ashes or the ground beneath where we are laid and fed upon by the maggots.

Getting good grades, landing a good job, owning a car, owning a house, falling in love, marriage, settling down, having kids, having a family are all the norms of life. It was done in the past so its an unwritten law and meant to be just followed. No questions asked. When something is done repeatedly over a period of time, it automatically becomes the law of the nature. Its like the points of attractions you have on your travel guidebooks. So, they are a "must do".

If someone decides that he/she doesn't want to get married, h/she is considered either insane or a gay (no pun intended). If someone doesn't want to be a part of the rat race, he/she is considered to be incompetent. The reaction is the same when someone gets blown off when he/she visits Agra and decides not to visit the Taj Mahal. Its definitely not necessary that Taj Mahal would charm everyone. Why can't we accept each other for who they are? Just live and Let Die. Everyone's got the right to choose to die if they can choose to live.

Coming back to my realization, dad and me have always had a rocky relationship. I accept that he wasn't a perfect human being however he was the best dad. He had always been ill, ever since I remember. Not seriously ill, more of a recurring illness. Never saw him sit under the fan in 28 years of my life, may be 25 that I have memories of. People had to switch off their fans or air-conditions if they wanted him in the room. Never saw him drink a glass of cold water. Even in the harshest of summers. Never in my life. He never smoked a cigarette nor drank. The only liquor I saw him drink was the first sip of beer when one does a "cheers!" along with a bunch of pals and medicines, ohh yea..loads of them. Yet, I never imagined that he would leave us. Not now, not when it happened. I sure hadn't expected it when he called me home last March (after a gap of about 4-5 years). Yes, we had a fallout, had some irreconcilable differences and decided to go different ways. It was more of me walking out on him than he on me.

The reason for the call was he wanted me to get married which I obviously denied. What better could be expected of a REBEL? The reason was nothing besides not being ready. What would I have done had I known it would be the last thing he ever asked of me? I am not sure as there are no ifs and buts in life but I do not regret my decision. I just followed my heart. However, a lot of things were left unsaid. I am sure I wasn't able to convince him. He must have surely felt hurt or did he accept my decision. I will never know that. While he was on his death bed, everytime he got out of his drugs-induced unconsciousness, he wanted to talk. I know he had lots of things he wanted to tell us but he never could. Every time he tried to speak and he wasn't able to, he just stared upwards to the ceiling with eyes full of tears and realizing that he was helpless, just shut his eyes and let the tears flow away. There were so many things each of us wanted to tell him. Some we managed to and he responded by those little nods but I am sure he had more to tell us than we had to tell him.

Its just so weird that even though we are all aware about the uncertainties of life and death, we decide to become so ungrateful to the niceties of life. We are so engrossed in the rat race and walking the beaten path that we forget the very essence of life, LIVING IT. We forget to appreciate the very fact that we are alive and are more bothered about money, more money and more money. What am I doing here in a foreign land living away from my mom and brother when it is now that they need me the most? I need to find a purpose in life. I need to know what I want of it. I know we need money. Thats the basic necessity of life like water and food. But for how long? How much do I need? What else do I need to sacrifice in achieving that? What is it that I really want to make out of this life? What is my calling? These bloody questions are surely rendering me insomniac.
mratheist007 mratheist007
26-30, M
3 Responses Apr 24, 2012


thanks for your wonderful comments... as per the satisfaction, it isn't a virtue that i possess. i must confess i am a mere human.. how can i be satisfied?? yes, there aren't any regrets... and yea i will continue forging a new path

wow! I read every word you wrote, and re-read it.<br />
What continued to come to me is:<br />
yes, our lives are a journey, but we have been given the gift of choosing the path we travel on. I have many times changed my path.<br />
Lemmie ask you 1 question:<br />
when you look down this path your on, and imagine the end of your journey, are you satisfied and happy about what you see?<br />
If the answer is No!, then certainly you can take a step at a time to forge a new path...<br />
finding joyinthejourney