Kundalini Astir

I was always a fairly skeptical guy--very common-sense, laid-back.  I was raised in a Methodist church, but without much intensity.  All of my background would look pretty normal (married parents, good I.Q. tests, whatever).

During graduate school (Literary Studies) I became interested in esoteric literature and ancient philosophy.  I was studying Plato and Plotinus intensely, and reading plenty of 19th century American literature.  Although I had never used anything "harder" than alcohol until I was 25, I started smoking marijuana about twice a week about a year before my mystical experience.  I'm reluctant to admit that, because it allows a skeptical reader to explain-away my experience by pointing to the drug use.  But it is a part of the story, however minor.

After Christmas of '06 with my family, I found myself back in my apartment near where I attended school.  My fiancee was visiting her family.  So I was alone for about a week, and spent much of the time smoking marijuana, drawing, and fidgeting with photoshop.  On December 29th, I awoke with a kind of electric shock to an image of a man lying in his deathbed, smiling wildly.  I've never had a "vision" before, but I suppose that was it.  I quickly drew the image on a piece of paper I had near my bed. In the days before and after this, I might have gone almost a week without speaking.  I can see in retrospect that I was undergoing a "flattening of affect" that lasted almost three months. During that time, a friend gave me a DVD with a Kundalini Yoga exercise video on it.  I was interested in it "intellectually" enough to give it a try.  I did about half of the video, about six times.  I remember at one point, perhaps in February, having a dream of a giant python rising out of a fire pit.  A textbook kundalini dream, I found out later.

Other than complaints from my fiancee that I was "different," nothing really changed for a while.  But on March 6 of 2009, I had reached a kind of crisis moment.  For days leading into that, I had felt extremely unfocused, unable to teach effectively or carry on normal conversations.  I was intensely interested in "cosmic" questions and "theories" of all sorts.

I would say the mystical experience started on March 6th, but I don't remember the 6-9th with perfect clarity.  To the best of my recollection, I half-heartedly taught a class on the 6th, then went home and sat in front of the television.  My fiancee tried to "snap me out of it," but I was very distant.  During that night's episode of "LOST," I watched with an obsessive intensity, as if what happened on the screen were an important feature of reality.  It seemed that what was happening on the show was somehow written especially for me.

I skipped dinner on the 6th due to a lack of appetite.  I did not sleep all night on the 6th.  I remember there was a tremendous thunderstorm, and my thoughts were racing all night.  I woke without hunger on the 7th (a Wednesday) and went, robotically, through my daily teaching routine.  It was the week before "Spring Break," so I let my students go early.  My appetite was still really down.  At home that day I remember feeling very frustrated, almost angry, for no reason.  I tried a handful of almonds, but didn't have more than four or five nuts.  On Wednesday night, I stayed up all night AGAIN (this problem with sleeping was unprecedented for me--I always fell asleep easily).  There was a major party above my apartment, complete with students ******* off the balcony and hollering into the morning hours.  Somehow the whole thing started to seem to me a kind of physical manifestation of my disordered thoughts (upstairs = my mind, etc.).  In the morning on Thursday, I didn't eat.  Thursday night some friends called and asked my wife and me to go bowling.  She didn't want to.  For some reason, I said "okay."

I'll never be able to do justice to what happened at the bowling alley.  By the time I arrived there, *everything* seemed to have taken on a double/symbolic meaning.  I was convinced that the very normal nod and "hello" from one of my first friends to arrive was a kind of subtly coded message to me to go outside.  Once outside, I started to panic, not knowing what I was "supposed" to do next.  I called a friend who I held in high esteem to ask him if he knew what was happening to me -- his voicemail said, "It will beep, and you shall respond."  A very enigmatic message, but sort of typically weird for him.  But as soon as I shut my phone, a car horn beeped.  It was a woman locking her car door by remote.  I thought I was supposed to introduce myself to her (my thoughts were paranoid, undoubtedly--everything hyper-meaningful).  I walked up to her and her friend and said, "I... think I'm... I'm supposed to have dinner here..." sort of hinting that I might be scheduled to meet her? 

She brushed me off, so I looked around for what to do next.  I looked around and spotted one of those lights-in-the-sky, typical of "Grand Openings."  I followed it for a few blocks and found that it was a trailer attached to a truck.  I knocked on the door of the truck.  An almost sleeping man in the front seat said, "Uh, what?"  I said, "What does the light indicate?"  And he pointed to the grocery store: "Grand Opening, man."  So I went inside, trying to discover why I was being led there (again, in retrospect I recognize how insane this sounds--but it seemed so necessary).  I wandered around and then finally walked up to a store-manager looking guy and said, "I think I'm... LOST" (a veiled reference to the television show).  But precisely then my friend called me from the bowling alley and said, "You're up!"  So I ran to the alley.

During bowling, every score I or my friends bowled seemed profoundly important, such that I believed my friends were like supernatural "plants" (angels?) sent down to show me a coded message based on bowling scores, and that they could bowl, for example, a 4/4 frame to tell me something about numerology.  (!!!)  Needless to say, I was wide-eyed, trying to figure out the "meaning" of everything.  I was convinced that each of my friends was a kind of physical manifestation of my living and dead relatives.  I was surrounded by two dead grandpas (one smoking, one drinking), my parents (embodied in one Jewish male friend), etc.  It built into a crescendo of "meaning" in my mind until I sort of freaked out and called my fiancee, begging her to come get me.  I took off my bowling shirt and profoundly gave it to a friend.  I left my OWN bowling ball there, and my own bowling shoes, telling my friends "I no longer need those."

Outside, I was greeted by the image I'll never forget: a parking-lot light (4 lights) shining down over three winter-dead trees.  It all seemed so profoundly beautiful.  I thought, 4 divided by 3 = 1.333333.  The synthesis of "the One" of ancient Greek philosophy and the Trinity of Christianity.  And the stars shone in the background.

That night I couldn't sleep again.  I added it up one time: 84 hours without sleep, eating only a handful of nuts and drinking only water.  Not by choice, but because of an inexplicable loss of appetite.  Friday morning, the 9th, I rose after a night of almost unbearable mental strain.  During the night I was convinced that either I or my wife was going to die.  I was convinced that I was communicating with a star through my bedroom window, a star of the Egyptian Pharoahs (I thought).  In the morning, as my wife started urging me to get it together for the long drive to see my family (5 hours), I told her honestly that she needed to speak using the pronoun "We" rather than "You" and "I," because I couldn't distinguish between "You" and "I" when she used those words.

For some reason, I demanded that she let me drive the whole way home, despite my exhaustion (it's worth mentioning that she was very worried about me at the time--thought I was behaving very strangely).  That night, during dinner with my family, I was convinced that I was going to die that night, according to some pre-ordained timetable.  My brother, mother, and father seemed to me to be sharing only one personality.  It bounced back and forth between them, and I simply watched it.  As I went to bed (in a separate room from my fiancee -- conservative parents!), I was 100% sure that the oak tree in the front yard was going to fall on me and crush me.

Nevertheless, I let myself fall asleep.  In the morning, I awoke strangely refreshed.  But there was one huge caveat.  I felt like a brand new person, but knew that I had to confess a few "sins."  I told my wife about two times I had cheated on her about a year earlier (I was HUGELY afraid to tell her, and she had no suspicion).  I told my parents I had been smoking pot.  I told my mom I was hearing voices.  But after I put all of that into words, I felt like the weight of the world was off me.

I see now that none of this will "read" like a mystical experience, but this is the story as it occurred to me.  Somehow, I (an atheist going in) came away *knowing* that there was a giant-genius power in the universe, and that that power worked through me, not only "on" me.

None of the strange thoughts or trouble with sleeping or eating have recurred since then (thank G-d!).  But I've never gone a day since then without thinking about what happened to me in those three days.

Thanks for reading!

Jabberwooky2008 Jabberwooky2008
31-35, M
8 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Dear Jabberwocky,
your experience is interesting, but also a bit worrying. I think you realise that what you experience is classically psychotic. I am not calling you a psychopath, many people experience a psychotic episode. I have had similar experiences and they are very powerful, but I don't think its something you should encourage. Just imagine if instead of thinking ' tonight I am going to die' you thought 'tonight I must sacrifice myself to save the world' (jesus style)- the intensity of the sense of meaningfulness would lead you to kill yourself. Or maybe you would kill someone else. these things happen. I think you probably do have the potential for great spiritual awareness, and you should seek to enjoy this through meditation, but not smoke pot, or at least not often. Because although an experience like yours may have been enjoyable, and meaningful, full blown schizophrenia is very dark.

I have had the same type of experience the states come and go the mind too have you read Krishna Gopy account it may help look at kunalini syndrome and there are a few accounts decribed on buddha at the gas pump

I really enjoyed reading this story, I arived here google searching 'mystical stories' because all other mainstreme stories pail into insignificance when you become an experiencer of the mystical. It's hard to find quality entertainment when your own experiences are far more interesting than the movies, than the greatest books, because of that I write my own, manifesting my own entertainment in narratives. I enjoyed the story above, and laughed out loud at times, the 'LOST' reference lol, still giggling, althouth I can totally identify with the whole text, even the numerology, my door number & phone number have the same number of the sun, and the communicating with stars from ancient Egypt I too have similar experiences, infact I swear to this day they saved my *** one time and I still thank my lucky stars (literally) for that. Synchronicities are mystical and I know a rational explanation is the more knowledge a person acquires the more things are connected by that knowledge, but the experience of synchronicities are still magical and remain mystical to me. I also really enjoyed reading the reply from FinditHomeWithin, this has been like a breath of fresh air for me because it seems here I can identify, although I don't do drugs or have a diagnosed condition, I just feel since researching the esoteric my life has become less material and my experiences and awarenes of conscious takes me into another realm of reality, which is wonderful and one feels sorry for the drones who continue to be distracted by careers, adverts and television and society and such that render them not only unable to experience the mystical but also condemn those who do as being the weird ones, if only they knew.

Fascinating commentary!--thanks for showing up!

As a Schizophrenic... (the closest term and desc<x>ription I have for what has been used to describe my situation) I have experienced the very thing you are describing. Actually it's much more than that, I have lived in that world for time periods of up to 2 years. The same thing you describe with the bowling ally, characters or spirits manifesting themselves, usually in myself or others around me, synchronicities beyond explanation and reference point meanings to other things deeply involved in my life, such as the LOST comment and whatever else you posted. It's interesting to me that people seem so surprised by these experiences (not to discredit your own) But that its such a deeply ingrown thing within the human psyche, the ability to wonder and look beyond singular beliefs and function, the ability to imagine and essentially "dream" things into our own worlds... paintings, inventions, idea's, various concepts, religion... etc. What surprises me... (again not to discredit your own experience) Is that the modern man or women in modern society is so deeply involved in the day to day routine and so remotely detached from the deep ingrown roots of our ancestors and the once very cosmic and bound to nature lives they once lived that when anything out of the ordinary comes into play in someones life, it creates a powerful sense that something unordinary or special (for use of a better word; grandiose) is occurring, when in fact is probably more a surfacing dream sense of our higher conscious self, kind of waking up or stirring about probably since late childhood. If you look dreams and sleep this isn't so far fetched. Every night almost we sleep and fall into a dream state as we loose consciousness and go to this other world, whether or not we are aware of it, and essentially think ourselves into a vast number of worlds and events in the realm of deep sleep and the inner workings of our very complexed and entangled minds. In the waking sense when we hit those points of great meaning, it is as though this bubble of deep conscious thought is attempting to surface to reclaim the mind it should already have, that in the monotonous expanse of our day to days, we have very much lost touch with this deeper self and as a result tend to have run ins at one point or another with this deeper, very active, very real world or realm laying just beneath the "norm" of whatever world we perceive. <br />
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What you were seeing in the few days this all was happening, I would describe in myself as deprogramming or a short circuit in the "norm" I would usually be experience. I went a long time in this place, several times actually and have had to give up television and taking in most information thats produced on a mass level, as well as distancing myself from others, as that too would slow or distort the process. I've learned our minds and character yearn in a sense, the deep rhythms of a life that is unique and of its own, not associated with what is expected in society. Looking in now to the other people I see who are actively taking role in society, I see that they seem asleep, they seem bogged down by television and fulfilling an active role or plot in some story, not something they are aware of, but something that certainly exist at least from my own perceptions. I see that as a result of watching television and reading books, living the way they do that they have been wired into living their own stories, that they sort of create themselves through the deeper conscious mind, the dream realm of human psyche. <br />
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It is very perplexing to live in this way, for anyone really. It truly isn't any one persons doing or the result of one power, just something that has occurred. I don't see it at all being beneficial to our society and its people that so many become programed in this way. But I do see that it is necessary in the large scale of human populace in our current stage of development. I have at times become very paranoid about the pattern of this I frequently see, But I don't really get paranoid anymore about it. I see the programming entwined with schooling and the information we are encouraged to plug into. The sc<x>ripting of television shows, and the common language formations of books and story plots. It still seems, and will always to me, very intentional. A very purposeful thing of our governments, and other worldly powers who run a large country with modern technology. I don't see it as a conspiracy or anything bad or negative like others tend to. I see it more as a necessity but a system still in it's infancy, that it lacks the dynamics in processing and information necessary to fully accommodate even the average human being, that within it still contains the seeds of hate, violence, ignorance, segregation and the aptitude for creating people who are lazy and unwilling to compensate for other understandings; a work in progress if you will.<br />
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SO as a result certain people, more people that it would seem, manage to tap into this realm of the inner psyche and will go through these things at certain points in life. I can only began to wonder how the phase of dyeing must seem, and actually look forward to my own death. I understand that the psychology of death and dyeing is more apart of our living characters than it would seem.

But still a Muslim this means..<br />
What kind of practices my brother do you do as a sufi..<br />
Do you pray five times, and do things the way the prophet and the Quraan says or you do other than this?<br />
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What about graves and good people, do you ask them for things but not Allah?

Kinda Sufi.

Good that you confessed to your family about what you did.<br />
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But what is your faith now?