I Have Always Had These...

It's just so odd, they are usually violent as well. I could just be sitting and listening to someone, and the though to just smack them crosses my mind. I would never do this, of course, and I have no ill will towards them. I certainly don't want to hurt them, and it's usually wonderful people that I care about. The though crosses my mind, though, for whatever reason. I remember this one time I was walking down the street with my ex gf. The thought crossed my mind to push her into oncoming traffic. Once again, I stress that I would never do any of these things, but my mind likes to mess with me. If I ever did any of these things, I would never forgive myself, which is why this is such a problem. It bothers me to think of them. ANother problem is thinking of people in pain. It haunts me at times, so I usually have to switch to actively thinking of myself in pain. I would much rather suffer than have these people suffer. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to hurt these people or see them in pain. These thoughts, while uncontrollable, haunt me to the bone. It's just another reason why I really cannot stand myself. If I could rid myself of these thoughts, I would. That's why I have to actively think of myself in pain or dying. I feel that I deserve it due to my sick thoughts. I cannot stress enough how these are not considerations, merely thoughts. It's almost as if my mind doesn't want to be in the moment so it just f#cks with me. I hate it. Are there any pink pills for my sanity?

TheEvilLeaper TheEvilLeaper
26-30, M
4 Responses Mar 16, 2010

I've had these bothering thoughts too, like wanting to kill my animals (I never would) they're aggravating, but you have to trust yourself that you would never do anything horrible

you are not alone, many people have this, myself included, though I am a twisted **** and now, after having them for 15 + years, enjoy them. look you ain't gonna kill anyone, your not a killer, you just have OCD, go see ya doc, he will sort you out, make life easier for you to live and cope,,

Hey Father Holmes - this should set you in the right direction. First, intrusive thoughts are a common symptom of anxiety. Some people get intense physical symtoms and some of us are riddled with intrusive thoughts. It does go away though. Fading away is more like it. You'll want to figure out what is causing you anxiety. get it off your plate, or find alternative ways of looking at it. Unfortunately, seeing what is causing anxiety is sometime difficult as it is not always obvious.<br />
<br />
Takes time though. Plus, you have to take care of your body. Anxiety isn't all in the mind. You want to slow down your motor because it's going at high speed.<br />
Pills may help take the edge off but they are not a cure.<br />
Usually some good cognitive behavioural therapy will work.<br />
You are thinking about your girlfriend because what intrusive thoughts do is get you with what scares you most. Thats what sticks.<br />
<br />
Don't be so hard on yourself. This happens to a lot of us. Sure, it's disgusting but when you can let them pass in one ear and out the other, without being bothered by them, then they will begin to fade.<br />
<br />
iamfree<br />

I have always thought that I was the only one myself. Don't worry, you aren't alone. I don't understand what causes this, but you aren't the only one who this happens to. I am sure that we aren't the only two, either. If there is us, there are more like us.