Not Purposefully

But it happened, over time. I learned to keep my heart from the pain, because it was too hard to live feeling the weight of so much grief. But now, it's like I'm numb, and angry, and I wish to anything I could just feel emotion again instead of trying to remember it. I don't know if all people go through this, or if I'm just more sensitive, but, when it finally hit me, that the girl I loved so deeply, didn't love me back, I sort of died inside. I don't know how to bring my heart back to life. My heart feels weak and void, like it'll never work again, and it's been almost a year now. The process has been slow and steady, this sapping of my strength. I'm to the point where they are suggesting medication, and I am in a way, holding my life together really well, but I've lost my passion, my spark, and so then again, I don't have that much to care about or hold together. The only thing I care about these days is loosing weight. I know I was just fine, but it's like an addiction. I count and measure everything I eat, and punish myself when I eat too much. I'm always thinking about food, obsessing, worrying that what if I eat too much one day. When I eat too much I feel like I'm going to puke. But I'm terrified of throwing up so that wouldn't happen. I just hate how shallow it is, but if there's something I care about these days, something I'll work for, at least it's keeping me occupied. I don't like being social anymore. It's like I've forgotten I know people, when I see them I feel odd, like I'm in a dream, like I'm floating off somewhere, like I can't relate to them. Deep down inside, I must be alive, there must be some little coal glowing, but these days I'm even beginning to doubt that. I remember what it feels like to love, to care, to live. I wish I was still there. I wish I could do some things over, knowing what I do now. But I would never have taken back holding her hand as we crossed that bridge. I'm useless now. I'm just a useless shell. I don't have the strength to love.

LonelySoul LonelySoul
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 19, 2009

I know you posted this like over two months ago, but I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing. I'm feeling some pretty similar emotions at the moment. I don't know this is me be awkward and attempting to connect. There it is.

I know the feeling; it took me almost three years; and the pain started to ease; and the world started to have color and not just shades of gray. Fingers crossed it will be quicker for you. Hugs!!!