Apparently I Still Do

Reading these stories reminded me that I still have issues. I thought I had worked them out in therapy long ago. But I still fall apart when a guy friend doesn't return my calls and text messages. I mean I lose it, meaning I sob myself to sleep and obsessed about him ans think of ways to get this attention. It bothers him. Once he asked me to leave him alone. OUCH! But they are only protecting themselves and their privacy and sanity. I don't have friends and lovers. I have hostages! My emotional and temporal hostages. Who wants to be responsible for another human being's happiness? It's unreasonable and self-centered of me.

The truth is, my needy behavior is very annoying to those I fixate on. I call them too often, offer myself sexually, etc. to keep their attention. And guess what, I've been doing this sort thing since elementary school. The result is always the same: I chase away the ones I want to hold on to then have emotional fits. 

I gave up attempting suicide many years ago because I almost succeeded by accident. No point in trying it again. Suicide is extremely physically painful. Not an easy way out as it sometimes seems. 

When I was in elementary school, I actually was left alone mornings and afternoons on school days while my brother and sister were enrolled in enriching activities. I felt very left out and envied their activities. I became an angry little girl with violent tendencies, starved for attention- even negative attention/ punishment.

But I am adult now, and there's help out there for me. Therapy, peer support and spiritual programs I can use. Thanks EP for reminding me I still have abandonment issues to work on. I hope all of us who suffer from FOB will become happier!

RubyTewes RubyTewes
31-35, F
2 Responses Mar 7, 2009

Thanks for the tip :) Yes, my pattern is to choose men who are unresponsive, and not available. They tend to have difficulty comitting to long-term relationships. I end up heartbroken. <br />
<br />
I finally stopped dating and pursued online relationships. They were safe in a sense, but they are not designed for longterm commitment. I've become bitter at times, cynical sometimes, but always mistrustful. In any case, I attach myself and won't let go. It is extremely painful to end it. Unbearable.

I can appreciate what you are going through. I am extremely affectionate and have gone through 2 marriages and countless relationships. Smothering them with affection when all I need is someone who is affectionate to me. then a friend sat me back and said that I have abandonment issues and when I looked back at my relationships I have always gone out with non affectionate women. Therfore what I am saying is analyse the type of people you are getting involved with and start helping yourself. It has been a lonely time but I have started to step out now. Hope this helps