So Close And Yet...

Where to start... My family is sorta on the rich side (tons of paintings on the walls, glass and other sculptures everywhere, etc)

and then there's me and my sister

now my parents brought us up teaching us stuff like which fork or spoon you use for whatever you happen to be eating, always wait for your turn to speak and don't interupt people, sit up straight.... and the like

as we got older it turned from "teaching" to something along the lines of trying to control us....

things like "shut up i'm talking, you know not to interupt", "stop slouching or you'll be excused from dinner"

eventually my sister just got really bitchy

i stopped talking and ate after everybody else

we weren't really happy kids to say the least

my parents always told us things like "you should be happy, you have a nice house to live in, we've recently re-painted everything"....

but as i saw it, they didn't treat us like people

to them, we were more like objects or one of their pieces of art

i remember my mom saying "good children should be seen, not heard" like a painting to be gawked at

they just stopped sorta caring about us or if they did say something to us it was almost always negative

and although we all lived in the same house, all of us together

i had no family

they ditched my abstract self years ago

 

eventually i started running away and "never" went back at the age of 16 (about a year ago now)

and the fear of not feeling like you have somewhere you can be (safe, loved, wanted) is pretty bad

 

not sure if that makes much sense (things always sound better in my head) but there it is

and i'd like to thank one person in particular for giving me somewhere to be for a while, i'm not sure i ever let you know how much it meant to me (and sorry about that tearstain on your chair, though thinking about it reminds me you were there for me when nobody else was)

AllHallowsEve AllHallowsEve
18-21, F
8 Responses Mar 3, 2010

indeed i does!<br />
as do you ^^

i know :L ... but you has me NOW! :P

i've lost you twice already miss >.><br />
and don't you get upset about it cause every time i let you back in, even if it did hurt when you left<br />
ALWAYS forgiven, just not forgotten

* cough-cough*<br />
<br />
lose them in the end???

damn that sucks :/<br />
my marks were anything but outstanding...I'd start the year out with like 80-90% in every class and wind up getting kicked out of one or 2 classes and failing the others with below 35% (the min for summer school)<br />
my sister is a straight A student and rubbed it in my face constantly and told all her friends i was stupid (she's about 2 years younger)<br />
eventually my parents gave up on my schooling and abandoned that aspect of my life as well<br />
<br />
as for the being alone thing, i find its easier to find people with similar interests and personalities online<br />
people like that have helped boost my confidence some and it just seems a bit easier to keep real-life friends for longer (I've got the same problem....i make friends easily but always seem to lose them in the end)

Sounds like my parents except mine were obsessed with my academic success. The thing is the more they called me stupid for not being able to get 90% on everything the worse I did. Eventually forced to leave university for a year because I had failed so many courses. That was one of my lowest points when I actually though I was worthless. Eventually though through all the the fights, arguments, and multiple attempts to run away from home over the years I finally made my parents see that they were putting unreasonable amounts of pressure one me. But that year away from university also made me realize that I want to do well for me. It's my life to live for me, not my parents. So even though I'm only an average student who probably won't get into grad school or even a 4th year thesis I know I've still come a long way. Just last Christmas my parents promised me that no matter how I did they wouldn't comment on it. I still have my guard up pretty high and am always vague about my poor grades. Plus I still have huge confidence and abandonment issues. I was bully to the point of contemplating suicide in high school because people around me thought I wasn't smart enough. So before groups of "friends" would ditch me I'd always distance myself first so I can be the one who chose to leave instead. It feels like I've been running away from groups of people all my life and I have doubts about it ever ending. I don't want to be alone but I have no idea how to fix it. Recent events are also not helping.

:O<br />
i didn't know that<br />
and thanks :] ♥

You know i sleep in that chair when i miss you right? ... its the only thing left from the other house that i wanted to keep<br />
<br />
you can always come here again if you want to , im always going to be here for you