They Call It Obsession I Call It DedicationI am the youngest of 4 daughters in my family, i'm 18. From the time i was a little kid growing up till now, i have always known that i wasn't exactly the "favorite" if anything i felt like i was the complete opposite of that.
In 5 weeks i will be leaving for Army basic training and since i'm active duty i wont be returning home. Sometimes i will hear my mom talking on the phone to her girlfriend or one of her friends and she will be talking about how much she misses my other sister whos currently doing training for the army, and wont be returning home until the end of august. and sometimes i hear her talk about me, about how she feels once i leave i will just forget about her and will only show up once a year and pretty much once i leave i'm not looking back. thats what she thinks. and shes said that she thinks i hate her and that i dont care about her. She's even told me all this. that i only care about the army and not about my own family or friends.
I can understand this to a certain point. Right now, i'm the platoon sergeant for my future soldier platoon. I'm really dedicated to the program i've been in it for about 15 months now and I've made the absolute best friends i could ever ask for. I'm in an awesome mood being there with everyone because we are like a family and i love the feeling of being part of something great. and its preparing me for the rest of my army career! so of course i pay a lot of attention to that, its extremely important to me. but my family and friends can find that a little difficult to understand and just think i'm obsessed with it and dont care about anything else. thats not true, i'm just dedicated and being platoon sergeant has a lot of responsibilities to it!
I just find it hard to believe that my own mother thinks i dont love her, i dont care about her, and that i put everything before her. The fact that she thinks all of that when i've told her its not true, and i've told her that i love her and care about her, just proves to me how little she really knows the real me.
I'm not exactly the most affectionate person, i'm not big on hugs and cuddling and sayin 'i love you' and all that mushy stuff. i have other ways of showing that i care about someone. Shes told me that i'm heartless and pretty much that i am too tough for my own good. I know i'm tough, but i've been through a lot so i believe i earned the right to be strong.
I'm just worried that once i leave my relationship with her will take a turn for the worst and maybe i wont want to come home, thats very possible, but that doesnt mean that i will forget about my own mom and i will never stop loving her. I just wish she would realize this herself :/
lemach94 16-17, F 1 Jan 18, 2013