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Where Do I Start...

How do you sum up the most frustrating relationship in the world. I guess at the beginning. My mother has never been happy in her life. I can understand where some of her issues come from because my grandma was alchoholic the whole time she was growing up and my grandpa wasn't exactly what you would call affectionate. Still knowing all this, I still see how she has consistently sabatoged her own life and blames everyone else for her mistakes. First of all she married my father. He's not a bad guy, but he's very messed up from the stuff his father did to him. It's pretty much impossible to have a conversation with him because he's so introverted. My mother isn't very outgoing either so I always wondered how they even got together. Anyway, when they got married neither of them had a college education or a means to really make a living so we were always poor growing up. My dad went back to college when I was a kid. Naturally my mother blames my dad for everything that went wrong when they were married. I used to believe everything she said about my father, but over the years my experience has shown that she has a very selective memory. I remember various incidents throughout my childhood of crazy things that she did, but one will always stick out in my mind. It happened when I was around 11. My mother was very unhappy and she was always saying things like, "I want to die" or "I should kill myself." She was always saying things like that in front of us. One day she got really upset about something and she started opening a window upstairs and acting like she was going to jump out. I don't know if she was really going to do it or not, but I was scared and I grabbed her and pulled her to the ground.  She started laughing crazily and that scared me more. Once she got really mad about something and threw a soda across the car. It was right before we were supposed to do an activity with girlscouts and me and my sister had to go the rest of the day trying to forget that it happened. She was always doing things like that. I know she was depressed, but she was going to therapy to get help. The thing that pissed me off the most about her was that she told me things you should never tell your child. She talked about how much she didn't like my dad and she scared us by talking about possibly getting a divorce way before it happened. She told me weird personal things that I never needed to know. I always tried to shelter my little sister from my mother. I remember the whole time growing up making plans in my mind what I would do when my mother killed herself and me and my sister were left alone with my dad. When my sister turned five my mom decided to homeschool us. That means we were stuck with her 24/7. She tried at first, but once we learned that she wasn't going to make us do our work we didn't. After my parents got divorced, she still tried to homeschool us even though she was working and going to school. Basically we were alone all day. We were kids so we didn't do anything all day but goof off. She would get so angry and yell at us, but what were we supposed to do. We never had any structure in our lives. My mother has the mentality of a fourteen year old girl. She never thinks about what she says. She can't take anything seriously. She's selfish beyond belief and the sad part is she thinks she is this self-sacrificing martyr. My sister and I got our GEDs and started college, but it was still torture. She has no respect for other people at all. She never did any housework. She never cooked at all. She never did anything that you think a mother would do. Her excuse was always that she worked all day. There was a time when I was going to school full time, working a part-time job and had a ton of homework and I would still find time to cook and do the dishes. She would load the dishwasher once every six months and act like she wanted a metal. Me and my sister did it everyday and there was barely a thankyou. She's always taken us for granted. She puts people she barely knows ove here own children. She will bend over backwards for strangers, but she can't do the smallest thing for her kids. She is so consummed with what the world thinks of her that she's completely paranoid. No one knows the real her. About 3 years ago she wanted us to move in with my grandpa because my uncle he was living with died. We all moved into his house. I thought maybe things would be different because she seemed to care what he thought. It just made things worse. My grandpa was really old so he didn't really do any cleaning, but he could make a mess. My mother didn't clean at all. She made her own mess and just left it. I would come home late after a long day a school and the house would be a disaster. After we moved in with him, this was my mom's typical day: Go to work, come home and take a nap, get something to eat, mess around on the computer and then go to bed. On the weekends it was the same thing. I have so much anger towards her just for the sheer laziness and disrespect for us. We tried so hard to keep the house clean and live like civilized human beings, but she didn't care. When we were kids she would always complain about how messy we were, but then she started doing the same things. She's such a hypocrite. After my grandpa died(she wasn't there when it happened, she was on vacation with her boyfriend) it was unbearable living there. I stayed there until I finished school and then that was it. Me and my sister moved out and I've never been happier. The sad part about my mom is that now that me and my sister have had some success, she seems jealous of us. She's always saying things like, "I should have gone to school for that." It ****** me off that she screwed up her own life and she's always trying to blame her mom for it. My mom is screwed up to, but I've still made something out of myself. I just wish that for once she could get her head out of her own *** and just be proud of us instead of being jealous. I just want a mom that loves me without all these weird issues around it, but I know now it's too late and my mom will never be a "mother" just a person I will never understand.

thehoodedartist thehoodedartist 26-30, F 10 Responses Jun 20, 2009

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My mum is a very negative person, she clams it is because her mother was a schizophrenic and thus she never learnt how to show affection, she had two daughters with a man she admitted to never being happy with. She left college at 14 and made nothing of her life. Now I am at university and in a stable (non baby making!) relationship I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me at all. I am home for the holidays and it is as if my happiness angers her. She seemed surprised when I told her of my bf and asked why does he like you, I felt slightly hurt as it was as if she as a mother could see no reason to like me. I told her he was shocked that she didn't congratulate me on getting a first, and her response was, don't be silly it's your life, you know I am not good at that, why do I care. Not sure if I will ever get over how hurt it makes me to have her jealousy and anger following me around.

I fully understand, love. My mother has not one once of feminine or motherly qualities about her either. When she comes home from work, she goes downstairs and watches tv until bed time. And that's all I've ever known her to do. So much of what you said just struck a nerve with me, I am absolutely aware of everything you've gone through... But I don't know the answers -_-

How are you all doing this holiday? I am having such a hard time with trying to respect my own boundaries and still wanting to have her be happy with me and have a nice holiday. But we really are miserable when we are in the same room. I dont like how I now talk to her. I am so angry and sad inside. I have very similar stories to the inappropriate conversations and behavior at a very young age. She also left when I was 9 but she acts now like she has been here my whole life. I dont have any brothers or sisters and my dad died when I was 18 they were also a lot of years apart. Do you mothers hang up on you when they are done talking even if you are still talking? Do they have comments about your weight, hair, makeup, job, relationship status? I have been a wreck since Thanksgiving and spending time with her and now the thought of doing it all again is terrifying me. She invited the whole family to my house before even asking me. So now I would look like the bad guy if I cancel or change anything. I hope you know reading these posts tonight really helped me to know I am not alone or crazy. <br />
I agree with the fact that it really might be jealously for all of us. I just dont know what to do. Even with her leaving me at an early age... I never did drugs I waited a long time to have sex and I graduated college have a corner office and get to travel for work yet every comment comes back to her and how she does something or knows more than I do.<br />
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As you can see I started off really sad and then I get really mad the more and more I think about it. I sometimes think that maybe this will be the one time we really connect but if history is supposed to teach me anything it is that I should move on.<br />
I guess I could mention she is from another country but very very americanized but when the whole family gets together they only speaktheir native language... I am the only one that was not taught i guess because she left... so I am just sitting there not having a clue what they are saying unless they are talking me. (somehow you know when family is talking about you)<br />
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She wont admit the physically or verbal or emotional abuse. <br />
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And I avoid relationships to the nth degree. <br />
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I just got a puppy 4 days ago so I can learn to share my space and know unconditional love.<br />
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Thanks for letting me rant.

I know what you mean about avoiding relationships. I find myself so exhausting. I am afraid of the world. My mother treated me like a leaper my whole life. I was blamed for looking like my fathers side of the family. She resents any sort of success I have. She had a crap upbringing, but I am the one paying for it. She favored my sister, she despised my father. Everyone is to blame but her and everything is always about her. I keep hanging on out of some twisted sense of loyalty. I must be addicted to pain. I am married with a couple of great kids and a loving husband, but I feel like I am in a little boat out in the middle of an enormous ocean and I am the one who has created the ocean. I don't know what I would even do if I sighted land. I can't stand up for myself, so I run. People are like aliens to me. I am sorry for ranting, I just want you to know that you are not the only one. I understand you. I guess that just the fact that we are here means something. We are living and breathing despite them.

Wow. Your story really hit close to home in many ways. My mother is very self-centered and blames her parents and my dad for everything that goes wrong in her life. She also makes me feel guilty for having things that she never had (education, devoted husband, career, lots of friends). She is jealous and it is very sad because I just want her to be happy for me like a parent should. My mother also confided in me inappropriately and talked poorly about my dad all of my life and I too try to shelter my younger sibling. There was always a colossal fight just before all the big moments in my life and it hurt me so much. My mother doesn't get along with ppl. She has no good friends because she gets offended very easily and then ditches them. This is why I had to hear all of her problems even as a child. My mother also said she was going to kill herself and I found her in a strange attempt (probably just for attention or to get back at my dad) but this scared me for life. Where our mothers differ is here: mine is not lazy and does everything around the house and really loves me and would take a bullet for me. It is just that she can't accept that I am grown, independent and have my own great life. She is not nice to my husband and my inlaws cause she thinks they are stealing me from her. It's like I was her only dysfunctional friend and now she'll manipulate and guilt me for choosing to have my own life. I don't want to break ties but I don't know what to do. There is NO reasoning with her. She only sees things her way. Help!

Did you ever try walking away from dear old mum? I just did. I think it's the best thing I ever did. At first I was really scared because I am disabled & we disabled people need all the support we can get. But you know what? What you describe is anti-support - it is support in reverse. When I was able to admit to myself that the many deaths I suffered just wasn't worth the crumbs in return and took a stand by walking away, and by being firm in that decision, I felt at first scared. But as the hours pass, I feel free. Liberated. Hmm. I actually feel like I am finally walking in my own integrity. I don't know: I toss this out in case it resonates. We cannot change the past, but we definitely can change the future! I guess I wasn't willing to lose another minute after 43 years of basically babysitting my mother. Time for her to be the adult she is and take responsibility for her own damned self! I am retiring from the job of being daughter. And U know what? It is going to be OK.

I totally connect with your story, there where a few times when i said "eerrrghhh"while reading because it hit a nerve. the complete and total selfishness of a mother is so damaging to a kid. When its all about their issues and you have to grow up alone raising yourself. Its hard to care about yourself when your mom doesn't.

I am so sorry that you had a selfish mom who neglected your need and put hers before your own. No child deserves to be treated te way she treated you. Take care.

i know a lot of girls like you that grew up with ****** parent/s. some of them went on to become much better women than their mothers. some of them turned out just like their mothers. you however have stopped the cycle of ****** parents. learn from it and instill that into your family when you begin it. some hurt her once? she couodnt build a bridge so she took out on the closest people to her. thank god you have moved on, be proud and hold your head up high. at the end of the day some people live to please their mother and never truly forfil their own desires. some peole cant see past themselves and unfortunately she sounds really self centred. i cant stand people that are dirty in their home. unitdy yes but not unhygenic ewwww.

Well thanks for wading through my story/rant. :) This is just the tip of the iceberg with the issues I have with her. I tried my best with what I had. Both me and my sister managed to graduate from college at least. I only wish that I could have a relationship with at least one of my parents, but I know that will never happen. I've resigned myself to this fact, but it still hurts. I'm proud of myself and my dad is proud of me at least. I just wish my mom could be proud of me without the weird jealousy. It just makes me feel awkward and sad.

It's too bad We don't get to pick our parents, isn't it? It sounds like you made the best of it and did something good with your life. You should be proud of that.