With Joyful Abandon

I've got abandonment issues. Big ones. I've always been a loner, not through choice but, for reasons I can't fathom, people seem to think of me as being either irrelevant, disposable or a punchbag. Sometimes all of these at once. To say it hurts doesn't touch what I've been going through since forever.

Recently, I thought I'd escaped cyberbullying by a band of trolls by leaving the sites they post on and changing my penname, but they've been getting at me by proxy by befriending my friends then turning them against me. So much for my online life, which consists of worrying about who's going to go next. I've got about five, maybe six people left out of a group that used to number more than twenty. Agonizing, much?

This is a mirror image of real life, where I go through the same crap. I wear a false smile to convince people that everything's okay -- they tend to run, otherwise. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone. I wish that wasn't true, but it is. I would love to make friends with people who say what they mean, mean what they say and are constant and faithful in friendship. Where are they? I hope I find some here.

I don't ask for much. Just a bit of fun and games, and perhaps a shoulder to cry on now and again. Maybe I'm just really unlucky, but friendships like that are transient at best for me. I'd love to have one that actually lasts. Heaven knows I give the loyalty I want to receive, but when it's my turn... yeah... they're busy...

Am I the only one who goes through this?
lolcatlover lolcatlover
36-40
3 Responses Aug 11, 2010

Let's start with aquaintances and see where we end up? I'm not afraid of making friends.

Nice to meet you, Ambivilent. Would you like to be friends?

Nope. And you won't be the last one. Honesty prevails for those who are honest!