I have extreme jealously issues , like to the point where I want to scream cry , throw a complete temper tantrum .. Depending on the situation . Or I get extremely hurt , my heart burns , aches , my body tenses up my mind races I just get so jealous , as if I can feel myself turning into a complete different person . I feel as if my skin gets a dark purple , and I'm staring at my heart as it beats with a heavy base , it's a dark red tape pulsing , throbbing , it's angry , it's livid . And I'm this beautiful purple spirit not even a person anymore and I'm staring at this torn heart . I don't know why that's what I feel but it is . I feel it's because I basically grew up with NO attention , not the positive attention at least . Not the proper love . I have never HEARD my mother tell me she loves me , my brother or grandfather , a text every 4 years maybe but I was never told it first , only time I hear it is if I say it first . Just typing this I get a lump in my throat and my neck feels as if it's ready to burst and my eyes swell up . It hurts . So when someone gives me attention , I love it of course , but if I see them giving the same love to another I feel tiny , then I feel HUGE a huge spirit of anger , that I could possible kill someone . I feel as if I tower of everything , that my anger Elevates me . Puts me on a pedestal and shows me how worthless i actually am , how much of a joke I am , how much I will never be really loved or praised for being unique , because someone will always be similar or better . That is what jealously does to me . And it could be the tiniest of things , because I hardly get to experience of being praised or loved . It just hurts me so much . But the hurt just turns into complete anger , want to retaliate and just hurt that person twice as hard . Maybe because I had hate towards my mom for some time because she use to tell me ..faithfully my brother was better than me . So when I witness that with other people maybe my brain picks it up as ...this is your mother again , and that old flame , combust . I don't know if I hate it or love it . I defiantly feel as if I am my only person I only have myself I am trapped in a cage that is my body , my soul wants to scream and be set free but the lack of honest love it's received and the jealously it feels when felt abandoned keeps me "trapped" damn as I typed this I actually just realized most of my jealously issues come from my abandonment issues ..that the other person may be so much more better than me , I will be left for them . God it sucks .
Rs668009 Rs668009
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 22, 2015

I feel the same... Believe it or not. I may be worse as ive attempted something that has to do with my life before. You can message me if you want.