17 Lost My Baby (monkey)

i write this because i dont know what to do anymore i feel like i need to talk about it more. since i dont have no one to talk about it to but my boyfriend but i know it affects him if i am sad or crying he does try his best to make me smile but i go right back to being sad. i go around school pretending i am happy and that today is another boring day. i get home and try so hard to make a smile and say that today was a great day with my sister i have to smile and say stupid stuff just to make her think that i am okay with it and i am fine. but really i am not i am dead inside crying and yelling inside it feels like i am dead and there is no reason why i should still live on. my baby is now in heaven with her grandmothers i dont think she would want me to be sad about it but i cant help it. i am going to start of my story now, i will tell you why i feel the way i feel. it was in December i was out of town and my boyfriend stay here, i was about 10 days late when i came back. but during that time i was out of town i knew i was pregnant deep in my heart i knew i was with out taking the test. i was already getting morning sickness and well i was eating everything i crave. when i came back my boyfriend bought 2 pregnancy test and on 1-3-13 we found out we were going to be parents we were so excited about it but at the same time i was scare. days went by and there was not a single day that we talked about our baby he told his family and friends but i kept quite only telling 2 friends that i was pregnant getting the nerve to tell my mom that i was pregnant. i was about 5 weeks pregnant. we nickname our baby monkey because our niece that was recently born was hairy and well we decied to call ours monkey since we both are a bit hairy..any how i felt it was a baby girl when i found out i was pregnant i started to eat healthy and drinking vitamins and walking more. both in our families we have cases of miscarriage but we though that was not going to happen to us but it did...one 1-15-13 i started to spot thinking it was normal i didnt think much of it..but when clots of blood started to come out i got concern and told him to make an appt with the doctor..but the time 7pm came the bleeding stopped and when i got in to the shower i felt a sharp pain and i looked down and felt something falling i put my hand between my legs only to discover a huge clot of blood that fit in my hand.....i started to cry in the shower trying to calm down for my mom could not hear me at all....then a second one appeared..form that moment on i knew that my monkey was not going to grown....i felt sad i stayed in the shower for a long time...my eyes were red and i made the excuse that shampoo felt in my eyes they believed me....during the course of the night i felt sharp pains i kept waking up and going to bathroom more clots of blood would fall down....that night i didnt get much sleep.....i cried so much...4:45am was when my monkey came out i held her in my hand when she came out i saw her cover in blood....i cried in the bathroom then threw her in the toilet.....with great pain...i told her that i love her and that i will miss her so much but she will always be in my mind...i quickly texted my boyfriend..dam i wished he was right there with me holding my hand telling me everything is going to be okay but he was not i went threw all that alone and i spend a long lonely night...about an hr i wake again to get ready for school trying to cover my eyes so my mom dont see i have been crying..i had to get ready and go to school with a smile in my face while inside i was breaking i was so broken.....in school i have to be fun girl smiling the whole time...my boyfriend wanted me to be faking for me to lie to him and tell him that everything that happen was not true that is was a big joke and lie.....but it was not it was true..that day i couldnt really focus in class but i did what i could......the next day today 1-17-13 my boyfriend holds me and i feel like running because i am still sad and i cant help but think about my monkey the whole time the fact that she is no longer with me at all..they way he holds me now is when he use to hold me when my monkey was inside..well its my 2nd day with our her....i feel broken because not everyone knows what i going threw.....i need comfort and a good long cry where i can scream yell and just let everything out....god i feel so broken........3 my heart is not going to ever be the same .....
Monkey11613 Monkey11613
22-25, F
2 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I just went through the same experience, except the fact that my baby hasn't passed yet, which is even harder walking around knowing my child that is no longer is still inside of me. Message me if you ever just want to talk. I know it isn't easy. Sorry for your loss.

i might not know any one in here and i find that conferring in a way..and i thank you..yes i think i start to go to church more often now..god took my angel and i think its because he needed my monkey to be with him..trying to be strong is hard when you have almost no one by your side and if your family finds out then you are alone forever....3