I have keloids. It started with acne in middle school developing into keloids. I have them all over my upper back and chest. The worse and biggest being on my chest. It has been hard, but I am learning to accept my scars. I try to love them so that it won't eat me up and stop me from living my life. However, I shut people out. I want to be in a relationship so bad. But I am terrified that the person I will fall in love with will get disgusted with me. I know then that the person is not worth my time, but it will still hurt. The one good thing is if I did show him the ugliest part of me and he did accept me, he truly did love me. But I am not ready and still don't have the courage to be vulnerable and show my flaws to anyone. I have never been in a relationship because of these scars. I feel so empty. The sad part is, I don't want the person I am slowly falling for to like me back. I am scared that I will say no to the person I love. It will be the most painful thing, to say no to someone I think I have fallen for. Just because I don't want him to see me the way I am. I wish I was strong and had confident in myself. I do have confidence, but not when it comes to my appearance. I guess that means I haven't truly accepted myself yet. I am feeling weak at this point. I hate having crushes, because I realize how hopeless it is to have these feelings. What scares me is I am getting better at closing off my feeling. One day I will be able to truly accept them. I hate ranting like this. On my better days I would imagine them as spots or patterns like on animals. Or imagine them as planets or asteroids. I try to imagine them as something beautiful, making me one of a kind. But the pain gets to me, and I start thinking who would want me. I hate that I am being negative. I shouldn't let my appearance determine my self worth, I know that. But I am human and can't help but feel this way. What can I do to overcome this low self esteem? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable? I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to push people away anymore.
justagirl93 justagirl93
18-21
1 Response Aug 23, 2014

i know exactly how you feel.. i have it too