16/5/12 :"( Rip Perry Williams! I Can't Stop Crying

We 'dated' for six months. Perry was tall, broad shouldered, green/brown eyed, South African and athletic. He was popular amongst the girls for his stunning looks and dimples. He was four years older than me and somehow I was sucked into his clutches. He called it love and I surrendered, he called it fun and I gave in, he called it warm and I let him in. 

Perry opened up to me one day. He told me about his 'dad', he told me how he had lost his elder brother. I laughed it off thinking it was a joke but was too kind to disagree when he kept telling me about the countless times his step dad used him and his brothers for his own sexual pleasures. I thought Perry had watched too much tv and didn't believe him. A year ago he was diagnosed with Bipolar One and overdosed for the first time. It broke my heart but he made it through and out the other end, in return our love increased. He was my strength, my might, my power, my modesty, my shield, my warmth...he was everything. 

Our relationship started crumbling when his ex kept struggling to pull him away from me and was frustrated by how firmly I held on to him. Perry laughed and called me paranoid but I was scared. Then he kissed my most painful scar (one on my neck) and told me he would either be with me or with no one. A week later he confessed that somewhere in helping me overcome anorexia he had turned bulimic. It scared me, at first I thought it was a delusion until I saw him purging and I realised how much he would exercise. My friends struggled to tear us apart and pressurised me into 'dumping' him. I lied to him and told him he had angered me and I never wanted to talk to him again. I'm in tears just writing about this because I feel so guilty and responsible for his downfall. 

I focused on my education and anorexia, Perry stopped dancing, he stopped going out with friends, he drank a lot and he cut himself off from the world. I was scared but thought it would settle and he would find someone else. It hurts so much to think I was so stupid back then, so naive... 

Two weeks who he came to me, begging for forgiveness and it scared me seeing him. Though he was still gorgeous he was mostly bone, it reminded me of my brother but my stupidity made me ignore him and walk away. He'll find love again, I thought, he's so dramatic it's silly. Yesterday when I got home from my exam my brother told me Perry had called at least ten times and I ignored it, thinking Perry was just being an attention seeking **** again. At around ten I got a phone call from his half brother telling me they'd found Perry's body curled up on the floor and covered in weird bruises they couldn't seem to place. My heart broke and I hate myself so much. I can't stop the tears. It's my fault. I should have just listened to him when he needed me. I miss you Perry and I wish you were here right now because I would have done anything to help you. It's killing me. 
WordHustler1995 WordHustler1995
18-21, F
3 Responses May 17, 2012

Lots of things like this happen to people just know it's not your fault no one could have known you feel guilty so you feel like you killed him but trust me you didn't your friends got in the way of your relationship

u are a crazie ***** who would something like this on the internet

Right well um I'm sorry if this affected you in any way. I know I'm a crazy ***** it's something I get told repeatedly every day of my life but that though EP was about sharing experiences with other people? Please tell me what I did wrong and have a nice day.

It isn't your fault. If anything you gave him a few happy days. Cry because you miss him.

Thank you so much. I just wish I had called him back instead of stupidly listening to my friends and I hate thinking he was in any sort of pain. When I broke up with him it felt like tearing the firm thread tying me together and I turned very numb and cold hearted towards him. I feel overwhelmed by my own guilt. I wish I had called him back, maybe I would know what happened or maybe I could have helped him or made some sort of difference. I would do anything to help him. The bruises are still bewildering but hopefully we'll know the cause of his death soon. Whatever it is I just hope he's happy and in peace now. I hope he met his mum and all his siblings who passed on before him.

Thank you for your kindness.

Damn, what were the bruises though?
And you did nothing wrong; you were just a teenager. We all do stupid things whilst young. You should only be sad because you miss him; don't let yourself get sad because you killed him- you did not.
He clearly had psychological problems, and its not your fault what happened.