I've Been Dying Inside Since...

When I was 17 years old, I was jumped in a sidestreet. At the time I was used to fighting due to a quarrel I had with most of the kids on my high school's baseball and football teams. I would make fun of their hip-hop music and they would try to fight me for it. When they realized they couldn't win fighting me one-on-one they started bringing more people, as well as weapons into the fights.

After the first time I wielded a knife in a fight I cut a boy's arm from his elbow to his wrist. He was a boy I knew and went to school with, and after that, the only time i used a knife in a fight, even when severely outnumbered, was to use it as a fist-hardener.

One night, however, when I was coming out of an end-of-the-year dance, four guys jumped me in a narrow alleyway/sidestreet. They had completely blocked the way to my car. One of them told me, "You screwed with the wrong people" and pulled a gun. By this time I was quite close to him and don't quite remember how the next bit happened. Somehow I managed to disarm him. I threw only one punch that night. The boy dropped instantly after that punch. Later I would learn that it had collapsed his trachea and he suffocated.

This incident has been plaguing my life ever since. I have nightmares and 6 years later can't forgive myself for killing a kid. When I think about how much I have changed in those years, I have to wonder where he might be now. Not the pretentious jerk trying to impress his buddies...but maybe a successful college graduate? I have never been in the armed forces. I didn't kill an enemy. I killed a kid with a future, and I'm having a hard time living with it.

Trembolain Trembolain
22-25, M
7 Responses Apr 7, 2010

Do not add to what is.

We all can cringe if we look back at all our actions. Say you did not kill that kid and he killed you. Do you think he would look back and regret it? Things happen in a split second but the effects reverberate for lifetimes. For all you know that kid was the real killer and you simply shut him down early on in his career. Kids dont realize there are consiquences to all actions and none actions. You may have reacted harshly, but in this case it was better then taking the chance of having your own life ended.

Thinking back, I could have just as easily walked away. I still don't know if the gun was real, and if it was, whether or not it was loaded. I would have rather been shot that day than have the pain I do knowing that I ended a life before it even started. I just wish he had pulled the trigger before I got to him...<br />
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BTW beeeriy...From what I understand of what you were trying to say is that I shouldn't have made fun of their music. It has never been that side of things that has gotten to me. In my view, it is my prerogative as an American citizen to say whatever I truly feel. I simply implied that their music had no artistic value other than the catchy, cookie-cutter beats. The reason this happened wasn't because I made fun of their music, it was because they (as a group) felt threatened by me and wanted to beat my views down to the "social norm" in my school at the time.<br />
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But thank you for reminding me that even on a "Holy God I feel horrible for what I have done" thread, there are still people popping in and telling me that I deserved it because I didn't think that bashing on someone's tunes was worthy of a violent response. I listen to metal for Christ's sake!!! Know how much crap I catch for that?

My Dad Died of Cancer. No body killed him, but you have to realize everything happens for a reason. Theres a reason that he was killed. Karma's a *****, but Karma doesnt kill, so its not because he go up in your face. You were in defense mode, and you didnt want to die, so you used your normal instinct, which was to hit hime back. Dont live your life in regret. And this is all coming from a 15 year old girl <3 (:

listin it was selfdefents i no wut you mean tho but i cant post my story as it was a feald merder of myself that is all i will say about it the guy was going to kill you your body tookover anf you got him ferst <br />
but i gota say you should never make fun of ppl bast on wut they listin to or try to do you brot it on yourself <br />
im trying to be as nice about this as i can but its hard for me to explain things with out being forwerd

way to much burden your carrying. dont feel guilty and angry at yourself...it was an accident. you were defending yourself. always remember "everything happens for a reason". it was his time to go. he pulled a GUN out on you. dont hold on to that. stand tall and be proud. it's the devil trying to attack you. Pray............

You have to understand you didn't kill him on purpose. You had no idea that that one punch could kill him. It was a freak accident. I have no idea how hard it is to live with this, but you have to realise it was an accident and not your fault. Those guys threatened you with a gun, you were simply defending yourself. Of course it wasn't a great outcome to your self-defence, but you can't change what happened. And you haven't ever killed someone on purpose. You don't sound like a violent person (especially not now) so you just have to learn to let go of these things. I'm sorry, that's really all I can say. I know I million people have probably already told you the exact same thing, but still. I hope you let it go eventually.