Kleptomania. I Have Lost Everything Because Of This Disease!

This disease has led me to have no family, friends, or anyone that cares about me, and i dont know how to stop, its like this disease controls me and i have no say in what i do in my life. I am only 17 and i have had a very unstable childhood, to be honest it feels like i have been manipulating, stealing and lying to nearly every person i meet since i could walk and speak. Throughout my short but difficult journey I have lived with every single person that has ever trusted me, i have also stayed in share houses... Unfortunately every 'home' was never prolonged and ended very quickly due to my issue or disease has everyone has been saying - i stole from everyone, in every home just because until i stole i felt an emptiness that would only go away without that thrill & exhilaration of the theft. I always thought i had it all under control and i was just doing it because i wanted to, but recently i have realised i can't control the need i have to steal, manipulate and lie. Its only seems to be getting worse as i get older, as all the things i feel the need to steal are getting more valuable and because of the value it makes them harder to 'make them mine' - this is a term i find appropriate, and this makes it all so much more dangerous and satisfying. After doing the crime i really do pay the fine...after i know that i have successful stolen, i get a rush of guilt, overwhelming sadness and depression. Just to clarify.. i dont do it because i want to, i do it because i feel that i HAVE to. Just a bit about my younger years - My parents divorced when i was about 7 and i was living with my dad for quiet some time, then i started to steal. Firstly it started with money, and credit cards but eventually it got to much for my single father with 3 children to handle so he shipped me to my mother who loved me to bits and tried so hard to give me all her love and make my life so much more than i deserved but i stole everything off her, drove her car around town, ordered iPhone's in her name that she had to legally pay for, eventually i had successfully done everything possible to make her hate me, and after everything i did i still never said sorry to her..not even once. So after my relationship with my mother crashed and burnt...my grandmother was the next victim to have to deal with my disease; i was about 14 when i moved in with her, this is when i got really bad- i stole about $500 in cash of her, i stole a car which was a brand new landcruiser and rolled it (was classed as a ride-off) so that was $70,000. After that i lived with 2 different aunties/uncles, my mother, 3 share houses, a heap of different friends and i have been kicked on the street EVERY single time. I was living in Queensland when all of this was going on. When i finally realized that i had nothing left there because everyone knew i had a problem and no-one wanted to help me. So i thought i needed to start a fresh, so i moved to Western Australia..For the first few weeks, i felt like everything was fine and i didn't have have urge for a while but i then i moved into my first share home where this whole issue started again. I have now moved into the 2nd share house in Western Australia. The first, i stole from people in the house and i moved before i got caught and now in the second and I'm finding in very difficult to stop the temptation but i need to because the people i live with are probably the most amazing people i have met and i don't want to ruin our relationship. I have finally realise i have a SERIOUS issue and i need help before i go so far that i can never return to 'normal'. I feel the need nearly everyday to end my life because of the thoughts that go through my head and also because of how disappointed i am in myself, the build up of shame, hurt, rejection. People tell me over and over how much i have going for me, how beautiful and smart and funny i am, but when i look in the mirror all i see is someone who is not in control, i just feel like i dont deserve to live after everything i have done to all those people who tried to help me.
I need professional help and some information about this so called disease: Kleptomania. If anyone can help me, please comment anything at all.
KristinaChamp KristinaChamp
18-21, F
Sep 9, 2012