I Have Limerence
I have stumbled onto to this experience group after waking up haunted by my Dreams once again. This doesn't happen as much as it once did (waking up haunted). It actually happens seldom enough (once or twice a month) that I am even more inspired to find a "cure" for these dreams/thoughts that I can only attribute to my limerence.
My story begins when I was in 5th grade. It was the first day of school and I was waiting with friends out side of the school for the bell to ring. During this time I first laid eyes on my "Limerent other." (for the purposes of annonymity let's call her Sally) From that moment on, I was essentially hooked. During my 5th grade year our lockers were near each other but we weren't in any of the same classes. I looked forward to any time we would run into each other at our lockers at the same time. I would also, plan ways to run into her in the hallway or catch a glimpse of her in a classroom. My relationship with her seemed mostly normal for a 5th grade boy with a crush. The only thing I knew what to do with my feelings for her was to pick on her. Specifically, she was in the Nutcracker the winter of our 5th grade year. She was one of the mice in the play. I think I called her mouse girl or something like that for several weeks after.
From 5th grade through 8th grade my relationship with her evolved slowly from immature reactions to having a crush to building a real friendship. We attended the same church and were in Sunday School together also. The main reason that I would not bat an eye when my parents would wake me for church on Sunday was because I might see her. Through school and church my instances of spending time/being near her were fairly common. By and large, I lived for every moment that I could see her or be near her.
By high school we began to become friends. By our senior year we were spending time together as "friends" and were in many of the same classes. I can still remember the feelings I had one day as we studied together at my house one weekend. I was overwhelmed with passion and warm feelings as we sat together on the couch and studied. That winter I asked her to be my date to the Christmas Dance. She gladly accepted. Later that month, I believe it was December 21 exactly, I shared with her the way that I felt about her and that I had felt that way for a very long time.
Her first reaction was that she had wished I had told her sooner. By and large it was a very emotional conversation for me. We were driving at in my car at night when I shared my feelings with her. We quickly pulled over once I broke the ice by saying "Sally, I love you, I have loved you for a very long time." We spoke for a while and ended up making out for quite some time.
Right away I was on cloud 9. The next day we were both going away for the holidays. I could hardly focus and spend time with my family. I remember spending most of the holiday near a computer as we were emailing back and forth. I would await her emails as if they contained the most important information that I would ever read.
Throughout our senior year our relationship grew very strong. We both developed strong feelings of passion for each other. We spent quite a bit of time together and became sexually active. The summer before we split ways for college was an emotional roller coaster, feelings of excitment of going away to college mixed with the pains of our impending seperation.
Once away at school we spoke on the phone every day and emailed a lot. I was having significant problems being away from her. As our freshman 1st semester dragged on I was struggling significantly and she began to distance herself. Over the winter break we spent a lot of time together but the time we spent together was not enough for me. I could feel her slipping away and this made everything that much more difficult. Everything in my life had been building toward her and she was going away and I was not handling it well. When our break ended I drove her halfway back to college and dropped her at a friends house. I remember that friend did not welcome me very warmly, and I couldn't help but sense that she was a confidant of Sally's that was helping her break away from our relationship.
We communicated comparitively less and less throughout the spring semester. We spoke 1-2 a week and the quality of our conversations were strangled by the difficulty I was having. I felt I was losing her and nothing else mattered. When we would speak, I was sad and withdrawn or elated. I was drinking a lot and almost got kicked out of school for alcohol infractions. I was ordered by the university to take alcohol and drug counseling over the summer after the spring semester.
As the semester ended I gained hope that I would see her and spend time over the summer. I was hoping that this time would help us patch things up and get back on track with our relationship. To start off the summer after the semester ended I had planned a week long trip out west with my college roommate. I traveled home before heading out for this trip. I had made tentative plans with Sally that she would drive me 3 hours to the airport to see me off. The night before I was supposed to leave, Sally came over to hang out. By and large she came over to "break things off." She explained to me that all the time that we had been together, she was going along with what she thought was best for me but never felt as strongly as I did. She also shared that she couldn't drive me to the airport and that I would have to find another way.
I lost my mind when this occurred. To hear her say that she never meant it any time she said I love you wrenched my heart. My mom ended up driving me to the airport. I remember being consumed by feelings of anger and abandonment the entire car ride. Thank goodness for my mothers ears during that ride. She graciously listened to my woes of love lost.
During the my first flight I wrote a letter to Sally. I essentially wrote that I never wanted to see her again and all things that I had given her a tokens of my love I wanted back. I mailed the letter out in the lay over for my next flight. During my week out west I decided that I wasn't going home for the summer, and I stayed out west for the summer. During this time I didn't have any contact with Sally. I spent most of the summer being sad about her. I got a job 5 days a week that helped me pass the time. I was also living in a place of great beauty. The natural beauty of where I was helped me significantly.
After that summer, my interactions with Sally were few and far between. A phone call hear and there, an email every couple months. Things continued this way through college and even into the years after college. All of our conversations were very superficial and we never really ever addressed our relationship again. Up until the last year, I still received post cards and birthday greetings from Sally. However, during this entire span, thoughts of her haven't left me. I wake many nights from dreams where I am near her. Most of the dreams mirror the limerance that I feel. In my dreams she is un attainable, yet still accessible. In my dreams I usually have some interactions with her that lead me toward feeling as though there is a chance we will re-unite. There have been a few dreams where there has been physical contact, a touch or kiss. These leave me the most haunted.
In total, it has been 18 years since I first saw Sally outside of school on the first day of 5th grade. My limerence is improving, there are days when I don't think of her, and the dreams that she haunts me in only occur a few times a month. Writing this story has helped me deal with the feelings I woke up with an hour or so ago. Sally is now married and for all intensive purposes I feel that I have overcome most feelings of limerence toward Sally in my waking life. It is the dreams that are truly haunting me. They envoke such intense feelings of limerence that it takes me many hours to adjust after waking.
