My Dog Chance Died Today

Since I was 8 every year when its the month of my birthday somebody dies, a pet dies, a human I am close to dies or leaves. A friend leaves a roommate moves but mostly there is some sort of death... In fact, my great grandma on my mother's side died this month before i was born,on her way to see me be born. Mother never let me live it down. Used to tell me how I am the daughter of saten being born two days before all hallowes eve. Honey my pomerianin died this month, grandpa got diagnosed with lung cancer this monthnever made it to christmas, I first tried to take my life at age eleven this month. ect ect. My dad left two weeks before my birthday. The amesia from being hit in the head wiped out so many memories but the ones that scarred my soul still stand. I got chance after the puppy I had was killed and I found her body. I had been so excited to have a dog after having rented for so long was buying a house so I could have a dog like Daddy had gotten me BJ (Bear Junior) for my birthday early from the litter of puppies that Bear had at papaw's house I was turning eight years old....good thing he did too cuase guess what? papaw up and died and lucky me I knew the second he died and what was going to be said when the phone rang (the days before caller id) and sure enough evil amy was right. diabetes was it not? The very same **** that rules my life on top of everything else? Stupid useless insulin and your telling me to remember to take this twice a day every day for the rest of my life, and how long is that three four years? Lets dragg it out to what eight ten years? Whoopie I feel like crap now lets make it last! But there I was excited gonna own a home gonna be worth something gonna have the American dream and well darn my puppy got killed so Elizabeth Lewelling come picked me up and took me to her house. Said her dad would not let her keep no puppies of her dog Angel, and if I did not take the last puppy (the others died) he was gonna knock him in the head. I did not want to see no stupid dog. But she brought in this wagging pile of fluff who jumped out of her arms and ran to me and woody and started licking us all over. Well that was that the dog stayed up out butts ever since. I named him Chance ( Inmemory Chance) because I said he was a chance to be happy to finally have a home to be a normal family. Well its my birthday month and guess what, another death.. when will I learn not to love anyone or anything. They are all gonna leave or die I should have learned by now. Its quiet I miss him he was unique a lot of people did not know him the way I did... he was not a dog he was a chance.
you know why I was born to a sterile daddy and a mother that didn't make eggs really? .An Evangelist name Brother Richard Hall stopped preaching in the middle of his sermon ..walked down the aisle to my mother stops and says... your gonna have a baby... she is gonna make a difference she is blessed of God ..almost eight months later, I came into the world.. and my daddy named me Amy which means "Beloved" cause I was supposed to be beloved of God and the family. He never had another child and she never did either. I really am his they did a dna and all not that I don't look just like him ... but I sure have not made a difference I should not even be here. I got to see brother hall when he came to town for revival and one day he died some time back when I grew up and decided to find him... found out he died some years ago... the short end of it all is I hate me I hate that I have not done crap with my life... I wish I was young and pretty again and could go back and do things right... maybe without the mess ups and the looking for parents in everyone I meet... alI ever wanted was to go home... everyone I ever loved is home. How lucky they all are.. none of this world is even real.. so what is the point anyways? I am still that lost girl inside only my body is older and fatter.. not that anyone gonna read this drivel anyways... I wish I had a hug right now... one of those real ones .. like grandma used to give.. when she would say your mother is sick but jesus wants you to forgive her.... she would hug me and for a time I honestly believed its ok that I was not a screw up.. a mistake the only one mother ever made she would say... I cant even keep a dog alive or a fish... or keep a home ... and a garden... I understand some people dont get attached and can walk away.. but when all you have ever done your whole life is walk away and run away... when does it stop? I look in the mirror i see a fat old woman whos nose is too wide and eyes are too small. I have crooked teeth and my neck is too fat and i have a big head. I have big boy hands and knobby knees and a fat belly and stupid boobs. My animals love me when its late and I am alone and the world has gone to bed. They see my tears and are there... and I can't even protect them .....


he died today in my driveway....  it wa an accident but i still cant make the pain stop.... the tears  flow  i got to be srtong for the kids they took it much better than i did but i cant get the pain to stop what wrong with me....