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I'm Sorry.

My dad just died this past Valentine's Day. It was four days before my 18th birthday as well.

He had called me on the 13th, a rare thing for us, because I hate talking on the phone. He asked if I wanted my temps as a birthday gift. At first I said no, because I wanted to do it for myself (I hate when people buy me things) and I am never in a celebratory mood on my birthday. I was just about set in my decision, but then I heard this... desperation, in his voice. At that moment I felt something, maybe a bit of a subconscious thing. I agreed, and we said goodbye. That was the last time that we spoke.

My dad and I had never had a good relationship. Ok, that's a bit of an understatement-- for the most part, it was horrible. He was an extreme alcoholic, and very abusive in a number of ways, to my mom, my sisters, and of course, to me. I was always a disappointment in his eyes, never good enough, never strong enough. He would choke me at times, or push me around a bit, to make me 'less of a wimp'. I was just a little girl, and here he was, a huge, muscular man, benching 250 lbs. on average (he liked to brag). If I came home with any grade below an A, he would pull out this thick, black belt, and just... start swinging. He was always in and out of prison, too, so if I didn't see him passed out on the living room floor Sunday morning, I prepared myself to say hello through a glass window the following week.

I had always envied my friends, who had dependable, responsible fathers. I even envied those who had NO father. My dad embarrassed me time after time, and hurt me in so many ways, physically, emotionally, mentally... I hated him for it. I began to call him my 'biological father' and felt he was nothing more than another homeless leech. There are still parts of me... dark parts I don't like to think about... that have yet to forgive him.

My dad got sick later in life. After all of the heavy drinking, his body suffered, and he developed diabetes and cirrhosis of the liver. His immune system was basically shot to hell after that, but he continued with drugs, his favorite being heroine. After a while, my mom decided it would be best for him to move in with us, so that she could keep an eye on him and get him some help. I think in a lot of ways she knew his time was coming to a close.

He began going in and out of comas. Once, a very sudden coma occurred, and I was home alone. I heard him downstairs, stumbling around, crying out for help.

I didn't want to move. I thought about all he had done to me, to my family... I thought about letting him die. Then I stood up, walked downstairs, and called the squad. He may have been a horrible person, but he was still my father.

Things changed after that. I began to see him in a new light. He apologized for past transgressions, and there was this look he would give me at times, like he knew what was going to happen. He would smile at me and say, 'I love ya, kid.' I'd never heard him talk like that before.

After my dad died, I got a birthday card in the mail. It was from him. He had never given me anything for my birthday before. There was an inscription on the inside that read: 'How, in just 18 years, did you get to be "so beautiful"?'

I still have the card. Sometimes I pull it out when I cant sleep. I didnt know why he put the words "so beautiful" into quotes at first. Then, the morning after the funeral, I was listening to the radio, high as ever, crying my eyes out, because not even drugs could take away the pain this time. A song came on, "You Are So Beautiful To Me." I think it's safe to say that it was from him.

I guess I just wanted to post this to say that I am sorry. I am sorry that I still cant fully forgive you, and that I made you pay for the past, long after you had changed your ways. I wish I would have tried to form some sort of relationship with you before your death. Maybe, someday, I'll get a second chance.

OblitusAuri OblitusAuri 22-25, F 9 Responses May 12, 2010

Your Response


My goodness, did you really have to make me cry this much. I have a great relationship with my dad so i can feel your pain. But sweety, he was sick mentally, maybe he had a horrible past or childhood.. Please forgive him, his last card tells me he loved you very much but never told you openly, forgive him fully and let him rest in peace!!

Despite everything else, he saw the beauty in his daughter in the end, which is only right; and completely true.

Yes I am here the second times, at least. I have new thought from this story again.<br />
<br />
I think God has answered your prayer, and he wanted to make you happy by prompting your dad to give you that card and reconcile with you.<br />
<br />
It also keeps me vigilant about my loved ones.

T_T (Crying face)<br />
<br />
This story is touching. Kids are the most forgiving people, most of the time. After everything he had done to you and your family, which perhaps contributed to the issues you have to deal with even now and more in the future, you still keep his card like it is one of the most important things to you. <br />
<br />
I don't lie. I think you are indeed beautiful. Your dad wasn't delusional. How come a dad who had made so many mistakes could produce such beautiful child like you? If you can't believe you are beautiful, at least you should believe that I don't lie. You may believe that our sense of beauty is different than yours, but we aren't lying.<br />
<br />
This story could be made to be a very good movie, because it is real, and reflect something that is very humans. <br />
<br />
Do you ever share these things with people offline?

The Living Years lyrics<br />
Every generation<br />
Blames the one before<br />
And all of their frustrations<br />
Come beating on your door<br />
<br />
I know that I'm a prisoner<br />
To all my Father held so dear<br />
I know that I'm a hostage<br />
To all his hopes and fears<br />
I just wish I could have told him in the living years<br />
<br />
Crumpled bits of paper<br />
Filled with imperfect thought<br />
Stilted conversations<br />
I'm afraid that's all we've got<br />
<br />
You say you just don't see it<br />
He says it's perfect sense<br />
You just can't get agreement<br />
In this present tense<br />
We all talk a different language<br />
Talking in defence<br />
<br />
Say it loud, say it clear<br />
You can listen as well as you hear<br />
It's too late when we die<br />
To admit we don't see eye to eye<br />
<br />
So we open up a quarrel<br />
Between the present and the past<br />
We only sacrifice the future<br />
[- From: -]<br />
It's the bitterness that lasts<br />
<br />
So Don't yield to the fortunes<br />
You sometimes see as fate<br />
It may have a new perspective<br />
On a different day<br />
And if you don't give up, and don't give in<br />
You may just be O.K.<br />
<br />
Say it loud, say it clear<br />
You can listen as well as you hear<br />
It's too late when we die<br />
To admit we don't see eye to eye<br />
<br />
I wasn't there that morning<br />
When my Father passed away<br />
I didn't get to tell him<br />
All the things I had to say<br />
<br />
I think I caught his spirit<br />
Later that same year<br />
I'm sure I heard his echo<br />
In my baby's new born tears<br />
I just wish I could have told him in the living years<br />
<br />
Say it loud, say it clear<br />
You can listen as well as you hear<br />
It's too late when we die<br />
To admit we don't see eye to eye

I know how this feels and I know what you're going through. I'm sorry for your loss. Take care over at your side.

The feeling is mutual

Thank you for the comment :) <br />
<br />
That was really very sweet of you. I can relate and I'm very sorry that you had to experience that. Loosing a parent is one of the most painful things that I have gone through. Take care of yourself and I wish you well :)

Hello Wormwood, I want to comment by saying that this has to be onwe of the most touxching stories i have read on here, near the end of the story I could all but hold back my own tears because of losing my father over 20 years ago. I think the most apropiate thing for us to do is to forgive and not forget.<br />
I remember two weeks before my dad passed, I went to see him, I wanted to spend some time with him and perhaps go out and have lunch and maybe a beer, well we did. after that we drove back to my parent's house and we sat and talked a spell and it was getting late and I said to him dad I need to get home, so he said ok, I went over and gave him a hug and I felt this frailtey about him, it wasn't the same. Two weeks later I get a call from my brother that dad passed away and it dawned on me that what I felt wasn't my imagination. Do me a favor I had a friend listen to this as well the song is from Mike Adn The Mechanics, its called living years