I Still Cry Today Sometimes

I was five.

The details for this story are not important.
All that needs to be shared is that he went to bed a healthy 30 year old. In shape, ate right, worked out, ran, and was a smart, clean, liberally minded high school english teacher.

He never woke up.
That cliche, "I remember it like it was yesterday" is true.

I was changed.
My mom changed.
My brother wasn't even born yet.
We moved to live with my Grandparents who helped raise us.

My mom became very protective.
I was shy, quiet, didn't have many friends. Part of that was certainly due to the shock of loosing my father so suddenly. My whole world shattered and at five years old, I also lost who I was.

I wanted to try out for football in Jr High - I could throw the ball and hit two feet up the base of a lampost consistantly from 30 yards away in 7th grade!
But my mom said no.
I understood, but I hated her for it. I became more introverted, desperately wanting to escape myself.

My father never saw my first staring role in a play.
He never saw me graduate from High School.
Then my Grandfather died.
Now both never saw me Graduate from college...with honors.
Both never saw my kids.

I'm a very happy, humurous, positive person. I love and live life to the fullest I can.
Partly because I know it's fleeting.
So I breathe deep every day. I enjoy the moments I have... alive.

Everynight I think about death.
Ever morning I wake up and live.

My biggest fear is not dying, but leaving my kids forever.
But I live.
Today, I live.
I breathe.

1nourmindseye 1nourmindseye
31-35, M
6 Responses Aug 22, 2011

I understand.<br />
<br />
They are great motivators to keep one alive and healthy!<br />

I know what you mean about the fear of leaving your kids behind. I think about that a lot too. My mother told me how she lost her mother when she was little and she was lonely and people who tell her "you have to do things for yourself now, your mother is not here to do them for you" and she didn't even know how to brush her hair. She was sent to the convent to be raised by the nuns. I can't even think of who would care for my boy if i am gone. I designated my family but I know he won't be cared for with the same love and understanding. So I take good care of myself for his sake.

I can't imagine losing a parent but I have to say I too am happy to wake in the morning alive and well. You just have to live day to day and live life to the fullest!

You're welcome.<br />
It certainly puts things in perspective.

Thank you.<br />
It still hurts sometimes, but it has also helped shape me.

Your story is so inspiring