17 Years Old- Lost My Dad To Unknown Causes

I lost my dad Christmas day last year, he was a healthy 59 year old, with no health problems whatsoever he just collapsed...
After the obvious mourning period for like a month, after that I ignored it and now i am really starting to deal with it.... It sucks because I miss him all the time and think about him 24/7 and there are so many things I would like to ask him and ask advice on, stuff like that...
Another thing is I am just so scared all the time of everything, i constantly get horrible, vivid scenarios flashing through my mind of my family or friends dying, and I guess it is because I finally know that life can be taken away so instantly and quickly. But it makes me so upset to think about anyone else dying and it scares me so much because it could happen ANYTIME and it just scares the **** out of me
 when my friends are driving and get distracted, my sister went on a trip recently and it scared me so much to even think about her being on a plane and that she has a chance of getting in a fatal accident
or anything it just makes me sick sometimes to think that life is so dangerous
and sometimes i forget that and make stupid mistakes like forgetting to bring my cell phone out and stuff and my mom cant get a hold of me and then what if something happens to me? what if I die? I have the power to put such pain on people... I know that pain and it scares me to think that one stupid mistake that I make can cause so much tradegy and pain
my heart just hurts so much sometimes it really does feel sore like a constant depression... its just BROKEN and i dont know how to ******* fix it because it isnt like a father is replaceable...
its funny how much you can mask from people, i cant talk to any of my friends or family about this because it just brings them down, I want them to know that I am ok because I know my sister and mom are hurting too and they don't need to worry about me
Another thing is that I'm not religious so i really have no idea what happened to my dad's soul... Is there such a thing called heaven? I would like to think he went there but I just didnt believe in that stuff before so it seems so superficial to start now AFTER my dad died, people who are religious are lucky cus let me tell you life feels pretty ******* empty sometimes. Being an athiest sucks and although its reightous or 'cool' its not you just feel empty when something like this happens... well thats how I feel anyways
I hate this
I had a perfect life before this happened, I mean it wasnt perfect but I had such a loving, caring father he was the best anyone ever could have asked for and my family was in such a good place.... now its a constant pretend to be happy... we are all good once we ignore it... but his presence is there and I can tell my mom is hurting so much but I don't wanna go talk to her because I'm afraid I will crack and fall right back to where I was in the beginning... so vulnerable and i dunno its like opening up a closed wound
I just wish I could load this constant missing feeling off me and like give it to someone else for a day... even though that sounds selfish but its true
 My friends have no idea what this feels like, well some of them dont, because some of them have actually lost a perant or someone they have loved but the ones that havnt are my best friends and I wish I could like protect them from this or something but at the same time I almost wish they knew what I felt like because its like they live in a bubble which they sometimes think is made of steel when it really is made of a thin line of ******* soap and I wish they knew that because then they would take advantage of still having their own fathers
i wish I still lived in a bubble.... i would give ANYTHING and i literally mean ANYTHING to feel safe and completely happy again and have my picturesque little life back
and I mean I know there are worse things in the world such as war and there are so many mass genocides which just makes me sick to my stomach... to think of those poor people who had to experience the pain of losing their children and whole families for the sake of war or for one man's sick pleasure.. how do they deal with that? HOW... I would kill myself because dealing with one persons death is enough, nevermind my entire community... I would literally die myself
Murdurers should have their family members killed because that feels worse then dying yourself... when you die you dont feel anything you just die and all your problems go away and your poor family is left with dealing with the pain of losing someone
what really gets me is that there are a million ways to get killed and they constantly flash through my mind like nightmares coming to scare me in the day and everywhere... sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the thought of it it just can be so FAST and can be caused by anything... it takes ONE second to die not even that you can get shot, or drown, or something else... and then that 1 second becomes the catalyst of such hurt and pain that lasts for years and years. Death is a *****, a cold, sneaky little *****
I really hope I can talk to some people on this forum i really would like to, I just need people to talk to
nicoleleblanc10 nicoleleblanc10
1 Response Oct 16, 2011

Hey-<br />
<br />
I know how you feel. I just lost my dad ten days ago. No one knows how he died, but from what we can tell, he someone either slipped off the roof, balcony or the ladder and died right away as he hit the sidewalk. I found him not breathing, and as I crouched next to him hollering, he had already turned purple by the time the ambulance came. He was 59 years old too. How does that happen? I never thought about death ever, and my life had always been so wonderful, full and happy. Now I'm constantly paranoid about death, and I worry about people dying all over the place for no reason. I worry about my mother being alone, I worry about having to take care of the whole family since I am the eldest and the only person with a job. I mean how can this stuff happen to normal, every day people? It makes no sense, but we can't rationalize it. I don't believe in God but I have to accept that everyone is here for a certain amount of time. Once that time is up, they have to go. I don't know where they go, I hope that the spirit and soul lives on, freely floating around the world and somehow guiding me through the rest of my life... but who really knows?