My Dad Is Gone...

A few months ago in July I lost my father. He was in a medically induced coma for 2 weeks. The last three days of his life he had a fever of 105. He passed away with no one by his side. He waited until we were all in the waiting room at the hospital. I feel horrible that I wasn't there by his side. :(
I am heart broken that he's no longer here. The last words he ever said to me was, "Look at this rash." The last words I said to him, while he was on his death bed..."I forgive you, and I love you." 2 hours later he died.
I feel guilty for going to the waiting room to sleep instead of being right next to him, when he drew his final breath. I don't know how to get over it. :(
SweetNothings83 SweetNothings83
26-30, F
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

I know how you feel. My mom died two years ago and I feel sad every damn day. I am so tired of feeling tired. I know what you mean about guilt - but it honestly sounds like you did everything right. You were with him at the end. You got to say goodbye and to say I love you. My mother died suddenly, early one morning when her husband could not hear her calling him. She couldn't breathe and died, right there on the toilet. Makes me so sad to picture that moment with her gasping for air alone. I hate her husband so much for robbing me of my mother. She was 73 which is not young but I was not done with my mother.

I feel guilty because the day before she died, I brought over an air filter. I was hoping it would help her breathe more easily. I wish I had made more of an effort somehow, but I didn't really know how close to danger she really was. She had COPD I found out after the fact. Anyway, I could go on and on about how messed up my life has been since she passed. I fight with the depression every day. I miss her. I'm angry at her. I wish she had left me something that let me know she cared about me.

On a positive note, I did find (by accident) some emails she sent me. They said nice things so I choose to believe that she loved me. I was her only child and I wish some day to understand her better. I still don't really know who she was. Her husband has ownership of everything in her house. It made me crazy for a long time. In fact, on bad days, it still makes me upset. But I must move on. I am torn between trying to forget her and trying to cling to every memory and memento. It's exhausting fighting the sadness. It feels good to release and cry sometimes, however it sometimes feels like it will never end. The sadness seems to have a life of its own.

I just want you to know that your father loved you and he is always with you.