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Does Anybody Understand?

I'm 13, my parents were killed in a car accident when I was 7, I lived with my aunty and uncle for a little while and then my big brother claimed custody of me. I love being with my brother and it makes me feel closer to my parents but I miss them so much and sometimes people don't get that a loving big brother isn't the same as a parent. And it's been hard not having my mum growing up, there are so many things that I want to talk to her about and never can. I am a happy, well typical teenager happy, girl but people sometimes forget that I'm also still really sad. My brother does his best he's 34 now...he used to be in the army so he can be pretty strict and his girlfriend is lovely to me but they're not my parents and never will be.
Sophiesmiles Sophiesmiles 13-15, F 56 Responses Jan 24, 2013

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I hope things are going good your you.you seem like a realy strong girl

Thank you, I'm doing ok :)

I understand, there's not the same closeness and feeling of security as if he was a parent. Since he's so much older he must seem more like a distant uncle to you, it's not like you grew up together.

about to lose my mom. she's the last one. been through this 3 times [step mom and dad] don't make it easier. peace

i'm sorry for ur loss

Oh, made me well up.

I don't think anyone will fully understand unless they've experienced it. People can understand, just not fully.

My mom died when I was young, it's a feeling not many people get. It's like an emptiness that you know will never be able to be filled and it sucks. Life is harsh.

I have a brother that is 10 years older than me that my mom has said she considers a '3rd parent' to me and I have a hard time seeing that...he's my brother and that's all...

I totally understand how you feel. Its not fair that you have to go through this. Its okay to feel the way you do.I am personally glad that you have loving family there for you and don't have to be totally alone. Talk to your brother about your feelings. I'm sure he will understand, He may feel the same way you do.

That is absolutely wonderful.. I bet you are 100% greatful for them.. :)

I lost both of my parents before I was 9, a year and a month apart. ( am adopted and am now 25). My big sister sort of became very protective and motherly to me after it happened, although she is only 3 years older than me, I think...anyway, the pain never goes away. It just gets easier to deal with, and anyone that says it will go away in time, must not know the feeling. I am here if you need to talk to someone that does truly understand.

Thanks x

You are most welcome. My sister died in a car accident in 2003 (she was my half sister from my mother's side and a different one than mentioned above.) My adopted parents would not let me go to her funeral, but I was able to talk to my niece. Recently she lost her father as well. I DID attend that funeral with the sister mentioned in the above reply and her daughters. My Daddy is buried in the same cemetery with my grandmother, sister, and my nieces' and nephew's father. It killed me seeing those graves. Even after all this time. The same day I visited my Mama's grave as well (in a different cemetery). I cried tears for them both. The sad thing is that I hardly remember them and have no pictures of either of them. I hope you have good memories and some pictures to bring those good memories back to you.

i still have my father but he drove that day i lost my mother in the car accident so without wanting to I am thinking it is his fault...I'm not letting him into my life....I'm not letting anybody into my life that creates a slight possibility of pain and thats pretty much everybody! So I don't have anyone to hug...When I had a tough day in school and I'm just tired and stressed out...the arms of my mother were a place of shelter and happiness but with loosing my mum I lost that place! I lost the feeling she gave me with the unconditionall love of a mother! I can understand you so good

Hey, I can relate exactly to what you're going through. I was 16 when my mom had a cardiac arrest. It even hurts to type it..but now she's in a nursing home and she cant move or talk. I get confused sometimes because Im grateful she's alive but she's not lively. She cant hug me even though I wrap my arms around her. Man, Mom's hugs always do the trick. Im sorry that you lost your special place-because in that place, I thought I knew more about myself than I do now.. :)

I've been there. I lost my dad a few years ago. If you ever want to talk, msg me. I know it's hard. Stay strong. :)

Thanks x

I believe no one will stay in this world forever, I also lost my both parents, but we can't do much in this case. Feel that you are lucky that you have loving brother and his GF as well. Always see positive side so you will feel happy. God Bless you.

I lost mom when I was your age in the same way. I think your ability to even address your vulnerabilities is a good sign that you'll be alright. I sure couldn't at that age or even talk about the loss until my late teens maybe. My dad shut down after she died and since she was the breadwinner he had to take up a job which he did, working nights at a casino so I hardly saw him. He's an a##hole and I'm guessing was before my mom died which is why she worked several states away and only came home 2 weekends a month. It really doesn't make sense how little control we have.
If you're not already, I'd say throw yourself into some type of art, whatever you're passionate about. Not only can it be cathartic, but it'll make you strong since there's always going to be shallow manipulators who will try to take advantage of your vulnerabilities if you are not introspective enough to see them first. Especially religious people, ewwwe, but even the hipster/agnostic types are as uptight in their own way.
Like Judy Garland said, "It's better to be a first rate version of yourself than a second rate version of someone else." Keep good friends who will listen and not b.s. you either. Maybe find a gay boy in your school who needs a friend to confide in. If I'd have come out at that age, even just to myself, I would've appreciated a good friend like you. Take care and much love to ya:)

p.s. if you ever need a laugh, look up George Carlin if you haven't already.

Thanks, I do a lot of art and I find writing helps. I don't have anyone at school that I can talk to about it but I've found some people on here can be really nice. You are right about one thing I'm sick of being told it was fate or god had a reason and he will guide me through...no he won't I don't believe!

Hey Sophiesmiles, honestly although Im older than you I still feel stuck at 16 when everything happened. I do believe in God-but its not easy, because sometimes I wonder how can a man so nice let me feel so bad- still thinking that question over..but I must say you have to find something to believe in with ALL your heart even if its yourself..but one thing you have to do is believe and know whatever reason all this happened you survived..maybe you should figure out what there is for you to do while you're here...I know you'll be GREAT!!!

Nobody can understand that situation, until one feels it. Yeah its hard not to have parents around you, nothing can replace them... but atleast your brother is trying to fill the gap. He won't be able to give it all, as he will have his family but I guess thats the way of life... #stayHappy

sorry to hear that!!!!!!!!

Your circumstances are unique to you, nobody can truly understand, but you should take comfort from a loving brother who has taken you under his wing, and his supportive girlfriend. Be blessed by the support you have, it can't be easy for your brother. I hope and pray that your life will blossom in the future. Take it one day at a time and stay positive.

I'm sorry, nothing can take the place of your mom and dad. But remember you carry them inside yourself, if your not sure about something ask yourself what would mom think. I believe you will know the answer. Good luck and remember the love your parents had for you can never die.

I know what you going thru I'll need write mine out and post it and all the miss take's I'v made and I'm 52 as of yesterday and I have been living with my sister for 5 years

Norman

It is hard being a teenager. To have lost your parents when you were seven had to be a really hard blow. I hope you are seeing a counsellor. It has to be hard talking to your brothers girlfriend about stuff most girls would talk to their Mom about. I hope you have really good friends too. Take care Sophie. Will pray for you:)

Sophie you are young and experiencing the same feelings and thoughts I am after the loss of my beloved.........we were high school sweethearts. I try to put on a good front but the face I put on is not what I am feeling inside. Sometimes the tears come like a huge ocean rogue wave. I have two wonderful chldren, five grand daughters and a young 8 year old grandson that I simply adore.

Honestly, I can't give you any real advice...........nothings has really worked for me after nearly five years. We were planning to put down a new hardservice floor.........I did that and that took an enormous amout of time, had a broker to help me with those types of things., my son takes me out to dinner with just us, (I appreciate being taken out but he is my AL) and sometimes I can't wait to get home because don't want to cry in front of him.

Al past so suddenly I had no time to say goodbye..........nothing......nothing.......and tha hurts terriblly.

I don't have any anger feelings,,,,,,,,resentments or other types of negative feelings........just the dark dark saddness............I have been to Grief Share..........When you are my age there is the problem of abandonment from couples that still have their mates.........for a while they are around but soon vanish............and even when you do go out them you feel strange............the fifth wheel........Dating is totally out of the question for me because like most teenage boys..........the big S word is on their brain and I am not the least interested. I just would like male conversation and a nice dinner out........goint Dutch or I would pay for both........

Something I heard this morning that made an impact on me and I will past it along:

People that oversome.........trivial question it was ......
.but do you know someone that was turned down for wanting to make a recording telling him to go back to truck driving; Anwser: Elvis Presley

Walt Disney was reject from the Kansas City Star because he wasn't creative enough,

Michael Jackson,,,,,,the great basketball player of all time.........told to go home he wasn't good enough......it is said that he went home to his bedroom and cried his heart out.

and there are others..

I have rambled enough but I am trying to convey is try..........try ..........try to keep on the postive side of things in your life...........It is and will be difficult.........

Keep in touch........plainjane2...............

Hi Sophie,
I know it must be hard being without both of your parents. I have lost my father and my mom I rarely talk to or have conversations about anything simply because she is very simple and also kinda traditional so we do speak about very few things but not as much as some of my friends moms do. Although I love her very much and is the only person I have to really take care of me. I know it must be hard for you but always know that God loves you above all and when you find yourself alone or with no one else to understand you- just know he is there watching and caring for you.

I understand. From experience I can tell you there will always be an underlying sadness. You will always feel like a motherless daughter somehow. It's okay to tell people, talk about it, remind them. Whatever it takes to let them know that the tragedy becomes absorbed by the survivor somehow. I was 9 when my step father killed my mother and himself leaving me orphaned. There is always a sense of difference. 30 years later I still wonder what, where, or how i would be (the difference) if it hadnt happened. You don't want it to define you but it has to be a part of you. It's a balance I hope you find. Good luck:)

It's hard, I know! I lost my mom when I was only 6 years old. My dad passed away when I was 26 and even though he was physically here until that time, he wasn't mentally here due to alcoholism, depression, and other health problems. He pretty much went on a downward spiral from the day my mom died up until his death. I'm 33 now, but it's still very hard not having parents. I mean, I'm well past the age of when you should be own on your own, supporting yourself and what not but my mother won't be here when I'm going through pregnancy and having kids, and I kind of feel like I just fell out of the sky. Especially since I also have no biological siblings at all. I have no immediate family. I have a half brother and sister however, they don't want anything to do with me. I'm married to an extremely nice guy who has taken care of me over the years however, his family was no so accepting of me. I've had a lot of problems with his mother and older brother. His mother is turning around, I think but I have no hope in his older brother. I have friends and keep in touch with relatives on my mother and father's side. I have one grandfather who I recenly went out to breakfast with. I'm going to a family gathering on my father's side in a few weeks. These are good things, but it's still hard. I wish I had my parents to talk to when things are good, or bad. I wish I had siblings. I get jealous of people my age whose parents are giving them financial support, whether it's for a wedding or a house. If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to chat with me. Hang in there!

Hello Sophie,

I saw part of your story on my email and logged on to read it. I don't come on much. It must be really hard to have lost both your parents. Not many people go through that and it's okay to be sad and to miss them. It's okay to also know that your parents loved you and want the best for you and you honor their memory when you just try to be the best person you can. I would suggest finding an older woman that you like and trust and can confide things to as a mother figure.
My mother gave me away to her aunt when I was six days old, and I never saw her as my mother and never knew who my father was or is. I now have 2 beautiful children of my own and try to be the best father I can be to them.
When it comes to going to college, not everybody has to do that, but don't feel less than anyone because you don't want to go to college. Sometimes it's not that we're not smart academically it's just that we're not applying ourselves. Maybe there's something else you like to do, just do what you like. There are a lot of technical careers you can pursue that pay well like x-ray technician. But you're only 13, you don't have to start thinking about College, you should just be having fun and enjoying your teen years. Just don't get caught up in peer pressure, hang out with the wrong crowd and find yourself doing things just to be part of them. If there's something you like to do, or people you admire, then try to make friends with other kids like that. Get yourself involved in some after school activity.
Last but not least, try to be grateful. Don't forget to thank your brother for doing the best that he could. I'm sure that he misses his parents too, but he was old enough when they passed to know that they would want him to carry on with his life after his period of mourning. Try to focus on their life, do some research on where they lived, what they did, your grandparents, how they met, and try to celebrate their life. You're very young, and even older people have difficult getting past a loved one's death. I have lost a number of relatives, including my (adopted) mother, but I keep her close to me. My password to get on to my computer is her middle name. I've learned to carry their memories with me, and when I think of them I think of things they might have done or their personality. I lost one of my cousins when I was about 14. We snuck out of the house and went swimming and he drowned and I had to take the news home to his mother. It was devastating, and I still think of him when I look at the ocean.
I don't mean to ramble, but I was touched by your story and just want you to know that everything will work out for you, just have faith, do the best you can and try to keep good friends.

You will never be able to replace your parents - it will always be a a piece of you that you lost. However over time grief becomes more bearable - you shouldn't feel guilty about that. The best way to honor your parents memories is to reflect and cherish the good times that you had with them. and to honor your parents by living you life in the best way possible. The relationship with your brother and his girlfiend may involve some of his role to be that of a guardian and while that may involve replacing some of the roles your parents used to have he will never replace them. Is is nice to hear that you brother has taken on the responsibility of being your guardian. He must love you a lot. You are very lucky to have each other. His strictness will be the way he has been taught (through the army) to teach discipline. Try to accept his imperfections and use the time together to continue building your relationship with him. You have a very special bond with your brother - something that many people would be envious of.

SophiaSmiles,

Your user names says a lot about you. Love it!!!!!!!

Sophia, I lost my loved one nearly 5 years ago and the loss still hurts so badly and even other widow don't understand. Couples have different relationships, therefore grieve or go about their life in different ways. His loss is the reason I am on this site.

Your brother has to be one great person and your parents had to be wonderful people to have two great children.

Sophia, I am so impressed with your ability to write about your feelings, have you ever given thoughts of writing a book about your feelings etc. for others who have or are facing the same loss you have. If you have college on your mind please get touch with me, if you would like to pursue a scholarship to a University in MO.

Even though there is no way that I can walk in your shoes please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Your entry has helped me....with my feelings of sadness today and I am old enough yo be your grandmother.


Plainjane2

Thank you, I find it helps to write sometimes, I'll add you and you can look at my other stories. I'm not smart enough for college, I skip school and get into trouble so I'm not even sure I will get through high school. I find it helps me to speak to different people on here and learn what helped them. Sophie x

You are right to speak to different people.

What does skipping school right now and saying you are not smart enough to go to college have to do with all this. You are 13 . I have four grand daughters:ages 12,13, and two 16 year old ones. All are
as different as can be. More about them later except the one that just had her 12the birthday, she is my little singer. Visit brendastarr48 on YouTube. Look for Sierra age11singing Adele songs and the latest one "Price Tag". Another song is MEAN by Taylor Swift. She has a request to sing Skyscraper by Demi Lavoto for theMega Meier Foundation in April and I will winging my way to St.Louis to hear her solo in April. She belongs to a group called Wee Glee of St? Charles a choral group.

Oops wasn't finished. Sophia, what are your talents besides writing and having wonderful insight for a young lady of you age????? Have any sports skills. Getting a scholarship is not all about IQ. Do you even have a pinch of a desire to go yo college????? I can only give you possible assistance in one place in Missouri.

Please keep in touch.........will be keeping u in mind!!!!!!! Plainjane2

Thanks, I like art and fashion, I'd love to be a fashion designer and see my designs in vogue magazine. I have a few pictures of my drawings on here. I don't know if I'm good enough I just like doing it. You must be so proud, I will look on YouTube at her videos :) Sophie x

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Your story, touches my heart.You are so young,but you've been through so much.Please
know that your not alone,and you have many friends. No one can take the place of your
parents, but you are loved and I know you will do something special with your life.
Be strong !

As a father of four, this touches me deeply. If you can imagine the love you feel for your parents, multiplied by tens of thousands...and then more....it is the measure of a parents love for their children.....It is how you were loved by your parents. You were their pride and purpose...... I promise. :) You will be in my thoughts.

Thank you thats really nice x

I understand. I lost my Mom when I was 14, and my Dad when I was 19. I was on my own. I constantly felt like a ship without a rudder, travelling at the mercy of the wind. I am 58 now. I have a wonderful family. But, I still suffer a little anxiety, which I attribute to unresolved feelings of loss and detachment. With that said, I would say that you seem like a remarkable and smart girl, Sophie. And I guarantee that your parents are watching and helping you as angels and that they are incredibly proud of you right now. I think it would be great if you could find an advisor, possibly a mentor - someone with whom you could discuss your innermost feelings about your loss and what it means to you. It is in these deep unresolved feelings where you will again meet your parents and maybe "update your relationship" with them. It is apparent that you will be a wonderful success in life, just from your writing, and you deserve some answers to your questions. They are within you. Good luck on your journey.